But not just yet.

Because National Masturbation Day isn't till Saturday, May 7. Some say it can't come soon enough.

Call it whatever you want — the five-knuckle Olympics; hand-to-hand combat with the purple-helmeted warrior; jackin 'the beanstalk; making the bald guy puke; playing the stand-up organ; pumping your gas at self-service island; shooting without scoring; turning on the ivory faucet — all I know is I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS.

But I have heard of this act of self-gratification. When you break it down, it kinda makes sense:

Mastur- — of Latin origin, meaning "the area between your legs."

-Bation — of Greek origin, meaning "to shake vigorously, as if strangling a Kevin Brown doll."

Put 'em together and it sounds like fun. But, of course, I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS.

National Masturbation Day's roots extend as far back as 1995, when a San Francisco sex shop called Good Vibrations held an AIDS/HIV fundraiser that encouraged sponsors to donate money for every minute they spent masturbating on May 7.

Like, who's got that kind of money laying around?

Not that it would effect my bottom line at all, since I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS.

But that doesn't mean I have never thought about it. For example:

• Do priests get to masturbate? You can't exactly get the deed done without sinful thoughts or visual aids, right? It's not like you can watch Press Your Luck and think of rose gardens.

• Have you ever wondered what woman has inspired the most, uh, sessions in history? Could it be Marilyn Monroe, Shannon Tweed, Jenna Jameson, some totally hot ninth-grade English teacher in Southern California? Who, damnit?! I need to know!

• Ya know guys who die of asphyxiation while doing the John Hancock with some kind of technique that limits oxygen to the brain? Is that the worst way to go or what? I'd rather die of a Rikishi stinkface while wearing a Carrot Top comedy tour T-shirt and a pair of autographed Richard Simmons peenie shorts.

(I have also never farted in a crowded public space and dashed away. NEVER.)

Today's Other News Links:

• N.J. Beach Town Repeals 30-Year Speedo Ban — OK. OK. Just who was the guy who lobbied to have this thing overturned?

• Pa. Eatery Offers New 15-Pound Burger — The restaurants owner says it can feed a family of 10. That's 1½ pounds apiece. What family are we talking about, the Chunkmonsters?

• Ivy League Colleges Lead Boom in Student-Run Porn Magazines — Sounds nice, sure, but from what I hear about the ladies in New Haven, there's a reason they're called the Yale Bulldogs. (Link found on Fleshbot)

• Lightning Strikes Florida Man Twice — I guess you can look at this two ways. Either he's super-lucky, or god really wants this guy dead. (Thanks, Art)

• Wyoming Men Cited for Making Snow Phallus — How would you like to be defense attorney in this case? Going to law school for however many years so you can argue the merits of putting a Snow Wang in your front yard.

• By Accident or Design, Selling T-Shirts Is Big Business on Web — A Wall Street Journal article on the proliferation of sarcastic t-shirts available out there. I'm dying to find the one that features Che Guevara and says, "I have no idea who this is."

• 9th Annual Webby Award Winners — I'll tell this story again. Back in whenever — I guess it was 2001 — I drank for free at an Emporio Armani store as the Webby nominations were celebrated. Nominations! Sing it with me now: Those were the days.

• Wikipedia Is a Real-Life Hitchhiker's Guide: Huge, Nerdy, and Imprecise — Slate puts my favorite online encyclopedia under the knife.