That's right. Since us ham 'n' eggers (commoners who aren't all buddy-buddy with god almighty) wake up to inboxes filled with such subject lines as "Need a Bigger Dick?" "Horny Teen Sluts Just for You" and "Refinance Your Morgage Now, You Small-Dicked, Teen-Slut Lover" then you can imagine what's in store for benedictxvi@vatican.va.

I can also only wonder how anyone could possibly think that anything sent to that address will ever be read by the Pope. And you know some of his most loyal followers and harshest critics will spend an insane amount of time and energy crafting e-mails to him. What loons.

That's why I like to keep my e-mails to the Pope very brief.

Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

Your eggs are heavenly.

Paul

Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

Please pass along this message from me to god:

Nice job on the tsunami.

Paul

Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

Even though I forget which kind of superpowers you're supposed to have, I still rank you ahead of Batman and just below Superman.

Paul

(Thanks to my buddy Tequila Dave for the link. Check out his "St. Maarten 2004" slideshow, located atop his photos page, for some funny takes on French smokers, local kids at nap time, and the abundance of chunkmonsters set free by the Queen Mary 2.)

Today's News Links:

• Free iPod — Um, Not Really — A San Francisco Examiner article pulls back the curtain on a shifty Florida-based operation that promises something for nothing, which, last I checked, has been to good to be true for the entire history of mankind.

• Wisconsin Man in 11th Year of College — Twenty-eight-year-old Johnny Lechner is known by 80% of the UW-Whitewater student body and, according to one 20-year-old chickie, all the girls want him. Which reminds me, I could always go back to Syracuse and try to improve on than A- in Cooking.

• First Convicted Spammer Gets 9 Years — Good. Fucking vermin.

• Why Google Is Like Wal-Mart — Wired compares the heavyweights. My favorite Wal-Mart reference comes in the lyrics to Triumph the Insult Comic Dog's I Keed:

Now let's go to Wal-mart where they won't sell my CD
That company's nuts are in a jar in Aisle Three
But you can see Christina in all her sluthood
It's like watching porn, but the music's not as good

• Photos: Penguins Go Trough Airport Security — They don't like the metal wand between the crotch either.

• The Hayseed vs. Hillary — Small-town lawyer Bill Brenner, who has aspirations of unseating Mrs. Clinton in the Senate, becomes the first of my friends' dads to make the cover of The Village Voice (image). Always nice to have your picture on the front of that paper instead of in the back with all the transvestite hookers. (Also see Bill's campaign website.)