In my eyes, this puts an undue burden on Cookie Monster. He can't be all things to all people. He can't be a cookie-gobblin', crumb-spewin', googly-eyed, raging, phycho mutherfucker one minute and a calorie-countin' wuss the next.

That's why I suggest adding a host of new monsters to show kids how adults really live. For example:

Atkins Monster: Just like Oscar surrounds himself with trash, Atkins Monster would perpetually be surrounded by bacon. His clothes would be made of bacon, his apartment would be furnished in bacon. His girlfriend? Yep, made of bacon. (And here's where you insert your own obvious and crude joke.)

Tofu Burger Monster: This guy would be such a pussy, he'd make Elmo look like Joseph Stalin. He'd teach children how to play Hacky Sack and how to keep hemp fresh.

Green Monster: A healthy eater and proponent of exercise, Green Monster would be a big baseball fan. Bucky Dent would show up one day and hit fly balls to him. Always over his head, of course.

White Castle Monster: A quiet, unassuming fellow, he'd be silent but deadly. Not only would he teach kids how to order through bullet-proof glass, but he'd give them quickie lessons on economics during his weekly trips to Sam's Club for a 120-pack of toilet paper.

Brownie Monster: The culinary expert on the show, Brownie Monster would teach kids how to bake his own recipe with a secret herb. This guy would be great for ratings, since the brownies would render kids motionless on the couch, watching Sesame Street all day.

Beer Monster: All this food and nothing to wash it down with? That doesn't make any sense. And neither does Beer Monster after a dozen pops. But that doesn't stop him from rambling about his solutions to the world's problems.

Other Sesame Street Links:

• Toss a salad with Cookie Monster. Not as much fun of a game as you would think with a prison-sex title like that.

• Download an MP3 of C Is for Cookie. My gift to your ears.

• Remember the episode when Mr. Hooper died? Man, that was sad.

• Remember the annual Christmas Eve on Sesame Street special? That shit rocked. If I ever lose my mind and get married and have kids, I'll want to watch this one with them.

• 25 Favorite Sesame Street Moments. This feature reminded me of a few other childhood classics: Grover as the worst waiter ever, the guy in the trenchcoat who used to try to sell letters, and Grover's near-and-far skit.