When the day comes for me to sell this domain, I figure it'll fetch $10 billion. And these are my plans.

Wipe My Ass With a $1,000 Bill. Sounds like as good of a start as any, after lunch at White Castle and dinner at Gray's Papaya. I would then toss the bill out my penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park and take pictures of the mad dash of people fighting to pick it up.

In fact, I might do this every day.
Cost: $1,000

Invest $1 Billion in 30-Year, Tax-Free Bonds at 4% Interest. That'll net me $40 million a year in tax-free income, more than $100,000 a day to waste however I want. I could tell whiny peasants, "Here's a quarter-million quarters; call someone who cares" and be out only $62,500 each time.
Cost: $1 billion

Purchase the Boston Red Sox and Fenway Park. The Sux were sold a few years ago for $700 million, so let's put the mark at an even-to-work-with $1 billion. I would immediately sell off Curt Schilling's contract to a Mexico City Little League. Jason Varitek would be traded to the Takult Swallows for a year's supply of California rolls. Manny Ramirez would be re-assigned to be Homer Simpson's personal assistant at the Springfield nuclear power plant. The rest of the contracts would be sold to the WNBA, where players will have the choice of either: a) getting castrated and working on foul shots; or b) remaining inactive until they become free agents.

We'd have no use for Fenway, of course, but we couldn't say good-bye without a party. So Yogi Berra would take a ceremonial last dump on home plate, inner-city kids from New York would be invited to graffiti the whole place, and I would push the button to detonate it. In its place, we'd build the world's largest Starbucks, and Grady Little would assume his post as store manager.
Cost: $1 billion

Hire Midgets Dressed as Clowns to Run Through Elementary Schools. The kids will have nightmares for the rest of their lives, but imagine the drunken stories they'll tell when they're 50.
Cost: $100,000, tops

Get Me on the Cover of a Madden Video Game. If it's in the game, it's in the game. And if it's a check to EA Sports for $10 million dollars, it's me in a No. 23 Giants jersey with 99 ratings in every category. Depending on Eli Manning's development, I'd either be quarterback or Tiki Barber's replacement at running back.
Cost: $10 million

Get the World's First 24-Hour Hummer. And I ain't talking SUVs here. Figure 144 women, for 10 minutes each at $5,000. There's no way Warren Buffett hasn't thought of this.
Cost: $720,000

Dinner for Eight at Daniel. But here's the catch: I would treat seven of the foulest gas-passers in the land and totally stink up the joint. Silent but smelly required, so that when someone complains we can just say, "Wasn't us, ma'am. Whoever smelt it dealt it." Yes, this is the way my mind works.
Cost: $2,000

Host a Month-Long Karaoke Party. But instead of singing to recorded music, you get to sing on stage with Bruce Springsteen and the E. Street Band, Elton John, U2, and The Paul Katcher Experience, with me on vocals and guitar.
Cost: $75 million

I'd Own the Only Free-Drink Bar in America. Bartenders get paid $1,000 a day, with no tips. Figure I give away $20,000 a day in free booze. Chump change.
Cost: $30,000 a day

Buy TIME Magazine. No more cover stories on The God Gene, How to Live to Be 100 and Saving the Big Cats. Instead, we'd run headlines like: Lisa Gastineau: Would You Hit It?, 26 Reasons Why the Yankees Are the Best Team in Sports History and The Cast of Hamburger ... The Motion Picture: Where Are They Now? Instead of Person of the Year, we'd have MILF of the Year, which would be Lisa Gastineau in 2005.
Cost: $500 million

Spit on People for $5,000 Each. Trust me, there are plenty of people who would take this deal. I know I'd let someone loogie on me for a tour of Europe right now.
Cost: $5,000 a day. Just something to start the morning off right. If I choose to ever get up in the morning

Well, that's all I can come up with for now. I'd still have billions of dollars left and tons more flowing in. Coming later in the week, a review of MVP Baseball 2005, on which I just pitched a no-hitter with Randy Johnson against the Orioles. And that hit-by-pitch on Miguel Tejada was total bullshit.