But on Wednesday, I went home to my childhood home in Westchester County, and it was like being in a time warp. You know the joke in I'm Gonna Get You Sucka where the mom of the kid who O.G.'ed (over-golded) said she kept his bedroom just the way he left it, and there's cobwebs and inch-high dust and everything in the place? Well, my room isn't dirty, but cluttered with so much unusable, worthless crap that should've been thrown out years before I left a decade ago to seek fame, fortune and desperate women in New York City.

The next time I go back, I'm bringing a camera, but these are some of the highlights of what I found still there at 32 years of age:

A cassette single of Shaquille O'Neal's 1993 rap debut, (I Know I Got) Skillz. (Lyrics) I could go out and buy a Firehouse box set or a Britny Fox Christmas album, and I don't think it would be any more embarrassing than finding a relic to the days of spending $2.49 for a cassette single of a rapper who would rip off these lyrics in another song:

Don't need the drink crooked, I juice to get loose,
My favorite cartoon is Bullwinkle the Moose,
I'm 'bout to sting you like rubbing alcohol,
Yes, yes y'all, call me Ed Jones cause I'm too tall

Mattel Football 2 Hand-Held LED Game. Now, I ain't talkin' 'bout some new "retro" model you can buy on eBay, like some $250 "throwback" jersey or "vintage" Atari t-shirt the phonies buy at Urban Outfitters for $35. I mean the original 1978 game, which I mastered by waiting for a hole to clear and ... BAM! ... button-mash the shit out of that thing till my red dash of a running back had made it back to left side and readied to speed past another wall of defenders. A far cry from today's games, with graphics so crisp that, in Legends mode, you can notice the cocaine residue in Lawrence Taylor's nostrils.

Radio Shack Plane and Tank Game. I don't remember this one too much, but apparently I spent $12.95 for it in 1986 (see pics). It's a little bigger than a credit card and about as much fun as eating one.

Tap From a Beer Party Ball. Had to be a souvenir from a Yankees game, and no doubt we kicked the empty ball around the lot like conquering jackasses. Anyway, when my mom or dad was sick or having trouble sleeping, they'd at various periods over the past 10 years sleep in my old bedroom. And the beer tap is still sitting there on the floor.

1985-86 Fleer Michael Jordan Rookie Card. Baseball cards got hot in the mid-'80s, but basketball lagged behind a few years. I scored this Jordan card in a pack for 50 cents and, in 1988, tried to sell it at a couple of baseball card shows for $2. I sold more than $1,100 worth of merchandise in eight total hours at my tables, but no one bought the Jordan. The value of the card later rose to $1,000, and I still have it today.

New York Islanders Official Puck. They were the first hockey team my dad took me to see, and the NHL and I would begin a love affair that would last about four days. Actually, this was during the Drive for Five playoff run in 1984, and I thought hockey was awesome. Later, as my brain developed, I gravitated to sports where players don't just close their eyes, swing hard and hope to get rewarded if the puck manages to hit someone's skate.

Chris "Mad Dog" Russo Autographed Charity Softball Game Ticket. Someday I will have to do a diary on a day listening to the Mike & the Mad Dog Show on WFAN in New York. I like to call the show "The Education of Chris Russo," because when Francesa's not bullying callers and prohibiting them from getting a word in, Russo's admitting that he doesn't know specifics about something going on in the sports world. But I like the guy; he's entertaining at least and he was super-nice to everyone who bugged him at the bar after the game.

Mask From Senior Haunted House in High School. After the seniors scared the shit out of the kids, we walked to a friend's house and trick-or-treated along the way. I was the youngest at 16 and we were buggin' people for free candy. And if they had hot daughters at home, even better.

1989 25th Anniversary Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Now that was when the swimsuit issue had clout. It was Kathy Ireland's first cover, and it made her an instant star — just for being on the cover of one issue. The 2005 swimsuit issue came and went with such little fanfare — thanks to an insulting and disgusting lack of thongs and see-thru tops — that the franchise is pretty much on life support. Hard to top those bored soccer moms with Internet sites anyway.

Feb. 21, 1995, Issue of PC Magazine. "The Changing Face of On-Line" reads the headline to a feature story on Prodigy, CompuServe and America Online. Another cover bullet point promises: "First looks at the new 100-MZ Pentium." Someday I'll get around to throwing it out, but I haven't finished the crossword.

Phantom Tickets to the 1991 NFC Championship Game. Ducats to Giants Stadium for Jan. 20, 1991, were printed out for season ticket holders in case the 49ers were upset in the divisional round and gave up home-field advantage. As it turned out, San Fran would host the Giants at Candlestick Park, where Leonard Marshall hit Joe Montana from behind so hard that Montana was quoted as saying on the sideline, "It hurts everywhere."

Pelham Memorial High School Soccer Shorts. I never even played soccer in high school. Must've worn 'em during lacrosse when I was the third-leading scorer on the team ... with three goals. Haven't exactly gotten much use out of these shorts in the last 15 years.

No-Longer-Working Video Camera. If you broke this enormous beast down for parts, it'd be worth a pretzel rod. It's got to go, despite it documenting the best picture of 1990: our fellow Syracuse freshman buddy sleep-walking drunk into the bathroom in his tighty-whities, stripping naked on a shower bench, pissing on himself while smoking, then walking into my room and pretty much passing out on my roommate's bed, but still remaining somewhat conscious so we could interview him for about 30 minutes of cinematic gold. Afterward, we'd have locked-door screenings for anyone in the building who wanted to see, till one day when he stole the tape. Now you or I might have actually destroyed the tape, but he simply placed it in his drawer and, of course, we stole the tape back and continued screenings. We had no camera the other times he slept-walked drunk and naked. You think I'm kidding?

I hope you've enjoyed this brief trip through my childhood bedroom as it stands in 2005. That's about 1/50th of the broken, worthless, unusable, hasn't-been-moved-in-15-years crap that sits there. Part II to come in the future.