Despite two Playboy appearances, most people agree with me regarding bodybuilder chick Joanie Laurer, current Surreal Life 4 cast member, former girlfriend of Triple-H and on-again, off-again love interest of X-Pac (real name: Sean Waltman), with whom she stars in the only celebrity sex video to not set online search engines on fire.

When I found out that the video, 1 Night in China (spelled correctly, as it does contains scenes from the country, to avoid a WWE copyright lawsuit), was released last month, I decided to give it as much of an examination as I could without throwing up.

Oh, the things I do for science.

***

Retailers are offering VHS and DVD copies for $29.95, but your friendly neighborhood P2P network is offering a full 56-minute version for free in the "1_Night_in_China - joanie laurer - chyna - sex tape" section. Don't say I didn't warn you. Following is a recap of the video that's parts comedy, horror and porn. Mostly horror.

00:16 — Chyna flexes her huge right thigh while wearing lingerie, telling X-Pac it's his last chance to choose her current white outfit or the black one. X-Pac chooses black. I choose to get some TUMS.

01:30 — Scenes from a bus on a vacation to Hong Kong. Clearly, this has been directed by the same man who did the Pam and Tommy Lee video. Include a bunch of inane shit, because no one's gonna spend $30 for a 6-minute tape.

02:00 — X-Pac looks at the shaking camera and says, "Yo, check it out, I'm the craziest mother fucker you'll ever meet in your entire life." No shit, man. Not only did you have sex with Chyna, you documented it.

02:09 — Standing in Tiananmen Square, X-Pac looks at a picture of Mao and says, "For everyone back home ... Chairman Mao, I got two words for ya: Suck it!" I got two words for that scene: broken rib (after I fell off my chair).

03:15 — Good god almighty! It's Chyna in a black dominatrix outfit, smoking a cigarette and fashioning a whipping belt. X-Pac says she's "sexier than a mother fucker." Mother fuckers must look like men.

08:30 — Close-up shot of Chyna and X-Pac kissing. I proceed to download every e-mail attachment I've ever gotten, in the hopes of finding a virus that will shut down my computer.

10:33 — Sex time. If Howard Cosell were alive today, he'd exclaim, "Down goes Chyna! Down goes Chyna! Down goes Chyna!"

15:35 — X-Pac reciprocates, and I wonder if he enjoys the way Triple H tastes.

[Fast forward ... fast forward ... my god, FAST FORWARD!]

26:25 — Chyna's high-heeled feet are wrapped around X-Pac's head. My arms are wrapped around my eyes.

29:53 — Back to touristy stuff, X-Pac stands before the Great Wall and says, "The hills are alive with the sounds of music." Doesn't sing it. Says it. Damn, another broken rib.

31:00 — X-Pac again walking the streets of China. Relevant to nothing. Apparently, there is a plot development here. Is Hulk Hogan gonna crash through a fish market?

31:35 — We now know that Chyna's penis is pierced. I make sure nothing is in the way between me and my toilet.

32:49 — X-Pac goes for a late-night snack, Chyna moans, and I again hit fast forward.

36:31 — Chyna puts Paris Hilton to shame with her oral skills. X-Pac says she/he's, "so fucking incredibly gorgeous." That she is. For a man.

37:15 — Chyna has pimples on her ass. You don't want to know how I'm aware of this.

[Fast forward ... fast forward ... my god, FAST FORWARD!]

43:20 — Chyna watches her mirrored image being pleasured from behind. X-Pac is holding a camera slightly smaller than one to be used at the Super Bowl. Looks like it weighs 140 pounds, and god knows why the shoulder strap is still affixed.

46:35 — Woman, if you're gonna shave, then shave! What's up with the 5 o'clock shadow?

51:20 — X-Pac's new finishing move is The Back Door Body Slam. I take another swig of beer, hoping not to puke it up.

55:40 — X-Pac's done. I can't describe it. I enjoy my readership and really hope you come back.

55:51 — X-Pac, again before the Great Wall, says, "I guess I've had as much of China as I can handle." You and me both, brother.

56:49 — Video ends.

56:50 — I delete file from my computer. Go straight to the shower.

Other Chyna-X-Pac Sex Video Links:

• Adult Video News Review — Snarky and on the money. Hard to pick out a highlight, but we'll go with this: "Joanie, on the other hand, gets so hot she turns over and starts power-thrusting back on Sean's member, doggy-style. The insta-porn stars rut like sweaty gay men, pushing to and fro and grunting, as we can't take our eyes off the acne-riddled ass of Joanie."

• Something Awful's Review — They give it a -43, which ain't bad for a straight porno involving two guys.

• Howard Stern Interviews Triple-H About Chyna — When asked about the video starring his famous girlfriend, Triple-H said, "It's her with a friend of mine. I've not seen it, and I'm not interested in seeing it. She didn't have pimples on her ass when I was dating her."

• Howard Sterns Interviews Chyna — Man, I wish I could write this stuff up myself: "Howard took a call from Chyna Doll's ex-boyfriend, Sean Waltman. Chyna Doll wouldn't let the guy talk, she just kept interrupting him. Sean told Chyna to just come back to the real world. Chyna Doll claims that he made a deal to put that porn tape out behind her back. She said that she was disgusted with herself after seeing it. Chyna Doll also went off on Vince McMahon, calling him "Vince McDick" and saying that he owes her some royalties and stuff."

Porn News of the Day:

• Download Jenna Jameson Ring Tones — Dude, you know you've hit it big when people are paying to hear you mean on their phone. Remember when I asked, Would You Do Porn For $15 Million a Year? Well, I would. Who'd want to be a senator when you're worth that kind of dough? I'd guess porn stars get asked for their autographs more than senators anyway.

And Finally...

If you wanna see a picture of a ton of WWE guys getting ripped on booze — The Undertaker, Steve Austin, Paul Bearer, Jerry Brisco, Triple-H, Scott Hall, Sean Waltman and more, you can't do better than this:
http://www.seanwaltman.com/sean_friends/pages/WWF%20boyz.html