It took a lot to tear me away from the Maria Sharapova vs. Serena Williams match at the Australian Open (or, as I like to call it, the Ass Everywhere Open), but Strange Love delivered in awesome fashion with an episode titled "Balls Well That Ends Well."

In it, the happy couple finds themselves in the famously romantic surroundings of Lake Como. They're there to attend a ball, at which Ms. Nielsen is the guest of honor. Surely, they'll fit right in with the high-society Italian crowd with whom they'll be dining and dancing.

Highlights of those 30 minutes, which should immediately be submitted to the Museum of Television and Radio in New York, include:

• Flav getting waltzing lessons from a total flamer, who takes the lead in order to show Flava how to dance with a big woman. Flav admits to having never danced with a man, and his shifty body language suggests he's either telling the truth or is on cocaine. Maybe both.

• Flav dressing up in a black-and-white pimp suit that, when combined with his gold teeth and jewelry, makes him look like a tricked-out Mercedes.

• The couple being introduced to their guests, who are already seated. Maybe the most improbable words ever spoken by an Italian host to a group of socialites: "Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honor, Ms. Brigitte Nielsen, and her date for the evening, Mr. Flava Flav." Jaws on the floor in seconds flat.

• Flav acting uneasy with the delicacy he's been served. "If I don't recognize it, I don't eat it. McDonald's, I recognize. Kentucky Fried, I recognize. But I don't recognize this."

• One of the many disgusted women asks Flav, through a translator, how old he is. Using his hands, he replies 44. She says he acts 13, but the translator tells him, "She says you look 13." He takes this as a huge compliment and thanks her 100 times over, saying amid laughter, "I try. I try.".

• Flav tells a fellow diner that she looks like a celebrity in America. If you could see this woman, you'd know what's coming. "Her name is Rosie. Rosie O'Donnell."

• Flav plays some horrible shit on the piano, sings like a wounded animal, and the guests are over-the-top disgusted. Afterward, Flav and Brigitte reaffirm their admiration for each other. Flav tells her how beautiful she looked. "Yo, you looked like fucking Cinderella at the ball. You know what I'm saying, man?"

They then kissed, and I barfed. But all-in-all, a wonderful half-hour.

In Five Words or Less: A Freak Show, Indeed

Today's Entertainment Links:

• Debbie Gibson to Appear in Playboy — What did she answer a request from 10 years ago? The issue hits the newsstands on Feb. 11, so Google had better get ready. (Debbie Gibson photo gallery.)

• 20 Questions With Pauly Shore — Very funny interview with the star of the upcoming film Pauly Shore Is Dead. His answer to the first question (What are you up to?) is: "My penis is my right hand, I'm touching it, I just got off the phone with some hot, nasty stripper from West Palm... And he applauds Carrot Top because "that's gotta take a lot of effort ... just carrying all that shit around, up the stairs, you know what I mean." Oh, and he dated his first Penthouse Pet in 1988. The fucker wasn't even on MTV by then.

• Nicollette Sheridan Wasn't Even Naked in Monday Night Football Skit — Abercrombie shorts and "a contraption" covering her breasts? Now I am offended. I gotta work on getting these interview assignments for Page 3. Every time I look up, they're interviewing some hottie, and I'm writing about John Madden, George Costanza and William Perry.

• Gastineau Girls to Premier Feb. 1 on E! — The ex-wife and daughter of NFL nutcase Mark Gastineau (once romantically linked to Brigitte Nielsen) search for true love together. No doubt their offspring will have one helluva mullet. (Pictures of the Gastineau Girls.)

• U2 Concert Tickets in New York Go on Sale Monday — Not sure if it's gonna be worth getting up at 9 a.m. to pay $167 (without fees) for tickets. Absolutely ridiculous, but ya know what? People will pay.

• U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year After Seeing Partially Exposed Breast On TV — The Onion is on the scene. "No one who lived through that day is likely to forget the horror," said noted child therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "But it was especially hard on the children."

• TIME's Best and Worst 2004 — I guess I'm a month late with this one, but the Oscars nominees makes at least the movies section relevant. While they have entries for architecture, children's books and comix, there's no sports. I wrote the sports top 10s in 2003 and 2002. Clearly I'm irreplaceable.