There's no doubt that the Internet has made us more intelligent and our lives more efficient. That may not apply to people who spend hours a day downloading porn, but for the other 28% of us, it's true.
A few years ago a woman was telling me she was looking for a new computer. I told her to go online, do a price-comparison and order online to save on tax. She told me she "didn't have time to surf the Internet." Whatever, lady. I guess you "don't have time" to make informed decisions.
Anyway, here's some other insights said ho may have missed out on.
Shit Is Cheap, Yo
Every since eBay, Half.com and other sites kicked "location, location, location" in the balls, I feel ripped off for everything I paid for before the late-'90s. And forget about supply and demand. Demand for almost everything remained constant — save Hootie and the Blowfish CDs — but supply has increased exponentially, as we're no longer limited to products offered by local stores or merchants large enough to afford TV or print direct marketing. I don't know about all collectibles, but my interests (sports cards and old publications) have seen prices plummet as the Internet has given power to the people to host daily garage sales, without a garage or even a need to feature a significant number of products.
Have you been to an Old Navy after Christmas? They pay you when you leave the store. "Let's see, a fleece, workout pants and a couple pairs of boxers. Here's your receipt and $20."
Success is Fleeting, Even More So Than Before
Remember when AOL flat-out dominated the ISP world? They packaged the easiest-to-use e-mail, message boards, chat, web browser and content. They bought Time Warner with nothing but credit card numbers.
Then they got their doors blown off in every category but instant messaging, the only part of its product that had any sort of customer lock-in. And then they offered that to non-AOL subscribers. Amazingly, AOL still has four or five subscribers between the ages of 8 and 80. Are they even a player anymore in anything Internet-related? Have they signed up a new subscriber since 2000? Is there anyone who's hanging around for anything but the right to keep their e-mail address? Those 700 FREE HOURS CDs are gonna be a running joke in business circles till the day I die.
People Are Mad Horny
We kinda knew this before the Internet, but my god. We always had strip clubs and porno shops, and we always figured people were lying about their rate of masturbation. But, holy shit, the numbers don't lie, man. There's been one period of time in the history of the Internet where sex-related topics didn't dominate search engines, and that was after 9/11. That's a fact. Real searches used to find my own site Wednesday: "how to talk a girl into anal sex," "bukkake humour," "what is 54 single man to do," "basic instinct free download sex scene sharon stone," "Gilligan's Island Fake Nude pics" and the everyday No. 1 "milfs."
There's a Security Code on the Back of Credit Cards
You know that three-digit code you have to enter to validate your purchase of a VHS tape of Hamburger ... The Motion Picture? I never knew the damn thing was there.
People Are Meaner Than You Thought
Here we are in 2005, and the top complaints about an ever-evolving system of communication are not related to technology but people. E-mail spam, comment spam, etc., all the product of vermin. Can't we get hold of just one of these guys and hang 'em by his nuts in public? Someone's gotta go all Eliot Spitzer on these assclowns.
Somewhere Someone Is Into Something
Pissing pics, family nudism, Ashlee Simpson. Nothing is too weird for some people out there.
Today's Web Finds:
• Video: Asshat Does Shot of Dish Soap — You're not going to believe this, but he pukes. Afterward I'm sure they all celebrated with a couple of backyard-wrestling steel-chair shots.
• Follow the Bouncing Red Ball — Not Safe for Work, Not That I Care. One of those ball-under-the-rotating-cups games. If you're a male and get this one your first try, then you're gay.
• 100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases — I'm still debating whether you should pronounce the "t" in often. I trained myself into doing it, and some dumb chick at a bar was making fun of me for it. She was a bitch 100 ways over, but at least she's got that drinking problem going for her.
• The Tongue Twister Database — Some of these would actually make for a fun drinking game, where you drink for as many times as you can't run through a phrase without screwing up. Try this one: "A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk."
• McLean Stevenson, Max Kellerman and Dirty Dancing? — Yep, ol' Henry Blake of M*A*S*H played the namesake of a future wisecracking FOX Sports Net host in a TV series about a movie I wouldn't watch if my life depended on it. Found that IMBD gem after researching the M*A*S*H episode "Abyssinia Henry," which has always been regarded as one of TV's most-memorable moments. Also see: alternative endings to "Abyssinia Henry."
• Subliminal Messages — More of those optical illusions that should be good for killing 10 minutes at work. You're on your own for the other 470.
• Ikea Commercial: Kid Plays With Vibrator on Christmas — How hard up do you have to be to whore out your three-year-old to a crappy furniture manufacturer to the point where he's playing with a vibrator under a Christmas tree?
• Poker Babes — A pretty well-done, candid look at the life of an attractive poker-playing broad. The legends profiles include engaging first-person accounts, and there's some poker strategy to read up on before hitting the tables and getting gored.
• Portrait Illustration Maker — I tried it and came out looking like a transvestite, but maybe you'll have better luck.
• TV Cream's Top 100 Toys — You know the list is shit when Rubik's Cube ranks only at 93 (below Sorry!, for god's sake), when it's clearly one of the top toy fads ever. Still, I'm amazed they got pictures of all this old crap. Brings back a lot of memories and makes we wonder how simple I must have been to actually be entertained by this stuff. As previously discussed, my favorite toy ever was Intellivision. (Found on GorillaMask.net)
• RobertCat's Blog — A new offering from a PK.com reader. (You're all entitled to a plug, especially if you love the Yankees and say nice things about me on your site, as Robert did.)
I've been online since 1995, then using a PS2 and Lynx as a text-only browser. I have been primarily working online since 1996. I have had AOL since 1998, and plan to keep it for the time being.
The reasons: I have Verizon DSL, but since I work online I need redundancy from another ISP if and when that goes down. My AOL dialup account provides that. I also have AOL for Broadband, which is about a buck extra a month, less than I tip for a beer at Yogi's. I also need a local POP for when I travel and only have access to dialup. And, of course, about 14 zillion people have my AOL addresses already. Plus, I get all sorts of news alerts based on key words sent instantly to me. And AOL now provides free use of regularly updated McAfee anti-virus scanning and protection software. A secondary reason is their own content, which they are going to start making available to anyone anyway.
Of course, all of these benefits, save the convenience of keeping my long-held AOL address, are becoming less important with the advent of all sorts of new services and products, some free. And although I have their spam filters turned off, too much mail, such as press releases with attachments from people and companies I have known and dealt with for years, mysteriously never arrives, but does at my other addresses. Also, the new AOL.com sucks big-time. It is designed mainly in Flash, so you can't copy text or even control the text size, which is very important for a four-eyes like me.
So I may switch one day, but for now I'm still here for the AOL party.
Posted by Eddie at January 13, 2005 3:49 AM