Tuesday night I was sitting at Yogi's, braving the cold and my 12th drink of the day, when I came across the Village Voice's Sixth Annual Film Critics' Poll (which, sadly, didn't include any porn titles). I began thinking of the cultural impact movies have on our lives. All those people in L.A. getting breast implants and screwing directors for our benefit. It's time to give back.
One of the most socially significant movies of my time is Coming to America, the story of an African prince from Zamunda who comes to Queens to find his royal bride. (Most people go to Queens to score 10 runs against the Mets, but whatever.) The moral of the story is that people should be who they are on the inside and not base decisions on material wants. Bullshit, I know. That's why I will document some of the real lessons found in one of the most influential movies ever created.
1. God Loves Everyone
He helped Joshua fight the battle of Jericho, he helped Daniel get out the lion's den, he helped Gilligan get off the island.
2. Bath Time Is Fun
When it's time to clean the Royal Penis, best to have some help. BTW, I have a free PK.com t-shirt for anyone who actually calls his member the Royal Penis. Two shirts for any gal who has ever said, "The Royal Penis is clean, your highness."
3. Rocky Marciano Is the Greatest Fighter of All Time
He beat Joe Louis' ass. Plus, I'm white, so I just pull that out of my ass every time a trio of barbers starts talking about boxing.
4. Rent Must Be Paid on Time
Don't be pullin' that fallin'-down-the-stairs shit if you're conscious.
5. America is Fascinatingly Free
Freedom to throw out broken glass on the street is why we tossed that tea in the Boston Harbor. (Also because tea is for sissies.)
6. McDonald's Is Paranoid About Copyright Infringement
Chill out, Ronald. Golden Arcs are not Golden Arches. Big Mics are not Big Macs. And two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce and cheese sandwiches taste completely different on seedless buns.
7. When You Think of Garbage, Think of Akeem
When I think of the New York Giants, I think of Akeem.
8. Put it in the Face
I tried that once. She never talked to me again.
9. Let Your Soul Glo
Ask A.C. Green, about whom Magic Johnson confirmed in an interview with Stuff: "He once got so much grease on the balls that Pat Riley had to call off practice."
And finally, (drumroll please) ..........................
The most important lesson learned in Coming to America:
10. The Children Are Our Future!
Who else but Jackson Heights' own Randy Watson (whom you may know as Joe the Policeman in the What's Going Down? episode of That's My Mama) could, in his own unique way, hammer home the ideal that we must show them all the beauty they posses insi-i-i-i-i-id-e? Give them a sense (pregnant pause) of pride.
Randy and his band, Sexual Chocolate (they play so fine, don't you agree?), tell us that children are the greatest love of all, which is an interesting take, considering I want to kill every single one in a theater, restaurant or airplane. But, hey, to each his own.
And now I would like to give you all a great gift, a belated Festivus present: downloadable MP3 of Sexual Chocolate's Greatest Love of All!
Maybe you should ask for the no children section. I have asked for that when I know the dinner conversations will get racy.
That also reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw on a car in my parents neighborhood.
I love kids, but I still can't eat a whole one.
Yes a little sick and twisted but I am sure you can appreciate it.
H
Posted by Hilary at December 29, 2004 9:37 AM