The NBA's Christmas Day showdown between the Heat and Lakers has been called the most anticipated regular-season matchup in years, and I have to agree.
Of course it's the most-anticipated matchup in years. It's the only anticipated regular-season matchup ever. Yo NBA, no one gives a shit about your regular season!
Seriously, can you recall more than two details from any regular-season game in the history of the NBA? Um, Michael had a cool dunk, the Bulls won, and that's all I remember.
Anyway, we're all looking for the same thing in this game: blood. Could be Shaq's blood. More likely's Kobe's blood. Perhaps even Jack Nicholson's blood, if he comes to Kobe's aid when the Corvette hits the brick wall.
Personally, I'm expecting Kobe to go full-on O.J. in the very near future. Maybe he won't actually murder two people, but I'm talkin' a police chase ("It's Vlade, damn it. You know who this is!"), two 60 Minutes interviews 10 years apart, Hall of Fame induction debate, the works.
Here's a brief FAQ, as I see it, on the Dec. 25 (3 p.m. ET) matchup:
What kind of ovation will Shaq get upon introduction?
Huge, huge rousing one, like Ron Jeremy on a month's worth of Viagra.
How will Kobe react?
He'll want to kill everyone in the stands.
How will the two players greet at half-court before tip-off?
Like two guys who accused each other in the national media of being unfaithful to their wives. In other words, like they absolutely hate each other.
Will there be a fight?
I expect both teams to hire a cut man for the game.
How will the NBA respond?
Shaq and Kobe will both be suspended till their next meeting on March 17 in Miami.
Who will be some of the dignitaries in the crowd?
Jack Nicholson, Dyan Cannon, Dr. Ferdie Pacheco, Ron Artest, Hulk Hogan, Ivan Drago, Jamal Tinsley and his dustpan, the Gooch, Chuck Zito, Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds, Lou from Back to School, and Rocco Graziosa (who clocked David Wells in Gracie's Diner in 2002).
Other Sports Links:
Phil Jackson Q&A on Kobe-Shaq Showdown The Zen Master recommends for Kobe a book titled When Bad Things Happen to Good People. I would recommend How to Keep it in Your Pants and Try to Co-Exist With the Best Player and Coach in the League So You Don't Find Yourself Going From Matching Jordan's Six Rings One Day to Being Lucky to Make the Playoffs.
Five Worst Teams in NFL History Let me tell ya, the No. 1 spot is certainly up for grabs. Great intro from Don Banks, who points out that the Redskins, if things fall into place this weekend, could control their own playoff fate (at 6-9!) next weekend.
Derek Jeter: All-Star Ladies' Man A chronology of the shortstop's loves, if you define "loves" as really hot women you had sex with before moving on to other really hot women to have sex with.
The 'Privilege' of Covering the Jets Rich Cimini of the Daily News remembers some instances such as being cursed out by Bill Parcells for reporting something accurate when covering the Jets was not the privilege Chad Pennington claims it to be. Also, Boomer Esiason recounts helping a woman involved in a fender-bender after a bad game and getting yelled at by angry fans.
Talkin' About the Hall An ESPN.com roundtable discussion on who deserves to be inducted into Cooperstown next summer. Boggs is a definite, Mark Langston should go for serving up that meatball to Tino Martinez in Game 1 of the 1998 World Series and, of course, Don Mattingly, the Greatest Living Ballplayer, should be the first player ever voted unanimously.
Cuban: Pennington Needs a Blog The Mavs owner says the Jets QB can relieve himself from being at the mercy of the media by simply having his own self-edited forum.
SportsByBrooks Holiday-Themed Pics The gals don Santa hats as visions of their breasts sugar plums dance in my head.
I'm not a basketball fan, but I hope Shaq kicks some ass. He was one of the top athletes asked in the latest Sports Illustrated which other athlete they admire the most and would pay to see. Shaq's choice: Randy Couture, the Ultimate Fighting light heavyweight champion. He says it's "because he's old and when all the young guys come down, he still kicks their asses. I've been to his last four fights. He's the Shaq of Ultimate Fighting." So look out Kobe!
Posted by Eddie at December 24, 2004 6:43 AM