Being that I have only a 36-inch TV, I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to see all of the show, if you catch my drift. Alley claims that she tipped the scale at a personal best (worst?) of 203 pounds over the summer. Factoring in women's propensity to fudge such numbers, you can safely assume she weighed somewhere between 380 and 1,245 pounds.

Apparently, the show is more "laugh with me" than "laugh at me" and Alley doesn't seem to present herself as a blameless victim — personally, I'd blame the double-fudge cookies — so maybe viewers will sympathize in her quest for weight loss and work, a stark contrast to The Anna Nicole Show, in which we tuned in to see if she'd fall down a flight of stairs drunk.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some leftover Chicago Classic deep-dish pizza in the oven, and we'll see if I get to what remains of the Grilled Buffalo Chicken Quesadilla.

Other Notes From Tuesday:

• The whole time I thought the Randy-Johnson-to-Yankees three-team deal would hit some kind of snag, and I was right. It just reeked too much of A-Rod-to-Boston in 2003. The Dodgers pulled out of the trade, and I wonder if the Red Sux or the Mutts are gonna get their grimy hands involved in all of this. When are these teams gonna learn that what's good for the Yankees is good for baseball? We should be getting Johnson for a back-up minor-league catcher and a couple of scorecards, and not a penny more.

An interesting fact on the Big Unit that I discovered today on his Baseball Reference profile page is that only twice has he ever placed among the top-10 vote-getters for MVP and never has he finished in the top five. (Cue Mike Patrick.) Are you kidding me?! Five Cy Young Awards and a pitcher's Triple Crown (wins, ERA, Ks) in 2002 and never has he been one of the top-five most valuable players in the league?

By comparison, Roger Clemens, winner of seven Cy Young Awards, has one MVP, only one other top-five finish and six overall top-10s. Pedro Martinez has only two top-10s, second place in 1999 and fifth place in 2000. Greg Maddux about the same: fifth in 1994 and third in 1995. Among those four future Hall of Famers you've got 19 Cy Young Awards and only six top-five finishes for MVP. (Cue Stuart Scott.) That ain't right!

Bob Feller alone had five top-five MVP finishes.

• I swear I received this message via e-mail and it wasn't spam: "You mean you're passing up the slave auction and gang bang? I'm sure it will be a freakshow. I'll tell you how it goes."

When you have an eclectic group of friends, you get invited to some unique holiday "parties." Well, at least I know the party photographer, and he wasn't even the author of the line above.

• Here's how my sports viewing went Tuesday night. Tune in to ESPN at 7:30 p.m. to see my alma mater, Syracuse, take on Georgia Tech in the Champs Sports Bowl, which is one small step above the Toilet Bowl. Gave up on that crap when we're down 21-6 in the first quarter. Give newly purchased ESPN College Hoops 2K5 a run (see below). Tune back to ESPN: We're down 35-6 at halftime. Switch to Knicks-Mavs for final five minutes. Knicks are down 42 at home. (Cue Bill Walton.) This is horrendous.

• I couldn't find a place that rents ESPN College Hoops 2K5, so I just gave in and bought a used copy for $17.99. Now, it's never a good thing when sports games are already returned to stores a few weeks after release, but it was cheap, so whatever. And 'Cuse has a strong team, an 86 overall rating, I think the same as Duke, which I invited into the Carrier Dome for my virginal game. Unlike most basketball video games, this one wasn't 99% dunks. I really only got off one good one. Hakim Warrick pumped-faked his defender and just posterized J.J. Redick, who was last seen ducking for cover like a donut shop owner when Kirstie Alley walks in. Even though I was 0-for-9 from beyond the arc, I was able to get off on an early second-half run and cruise to victory before the home crowd. (I'm sure this is all wildly interesting.)

• Yanks tix went on sale to the public at 10 a.m. Tuesday and I was able to score four tickets to each of the three Cubs games in June and the third game of the year against Boston. Had no luck getting any Mets-Yanks tickets. It's getting harder every year, since brokers around the country are no doubt buying ducats simply to put them on eBay.

• Why, pray tell, do I keep getting issues of Black Enterprise magazine in my mailbox?