Anyway, for as much as I love Bobby Fletcher, the obnoxious, drunk job-seeker, and Danny, the nervous barfer (audio), I've got to go with a gem from Elmer Higgins, a 92-year-old who's been retired after 37 years working at Sal's Upholstery.

Some of Elmer's highlights include booking a gay cruise and complaining about a delivery man who not only peed on his door but "looked like a gay" because he was skipping.

For No. 1, however, I have to go with Elmer's call to a brothel he first visited in 1964, where he lost his heart to a woman named "Poop Chute" Ruth (video). The transcript is as follows:

Brothel: Good afternoon. This is Brianna.
Elmer: Hi there, darling.
Brothel: Hello.
Elmer: I'm callin' because I left somethin' at your place.
Brothel: What do you leave?
Elmer: My heart.
Brothel: You left your heart?
Elmer: I met a girl named Ruth there in 1964, and I was looking for her.
Brothel: She's not here.
Elmer: Ahh. I'm looking to bring some of my friends over there for a reunion.
Brothel: OK.
Elmer: Almost 40 years ago...
Brothel: Very nice...
Elmer: We congregated there and we made sweet love to a bevy of beauties.
Brothel: Wonderful.
Elmer: Ruth was known as "Poop Chute" Ruth.
Brothel: Was she?
Elmer: Yeah, because she liked it in the bottom.
Brothel: OK.
Elmer: If you know what I mean. She gave me crabs.
Brothel: Well, she's not here, but we there are a bunch of girls down here still if you want to come down.
Elmer: Oh yeah?
Brothel: Yeah.
Elmer: I like black girls.
Brothel: I have that, too.
Elmer: All right. I'll get my friends, and my brother Charlie, and we'll come down there this weekend.
Brothel: Great.
Elmer: Saturday night.
Brothel: Sounds good.
Elmer: Around 4:30 in the afternoon, cause we go to bed early.
Brothel: OK.
Elmer: And we'll make love to some black girls in the poop chute.
Brothel: There ya go.
Elmer: Just like in the old days.

Today's Web Finds:

• What I'm Buying Myself for Christmas — I'm only putting this link here because it's a cool spring/fall Yanks jacket, and if there are any smart baseball fans in your life, it would make for a pretty reasonably priced gift. If anyone who knows me only "virtually" actually buys this for me, I'll think you're a freak. So don't.

• Society for Handheld Hushing (.pdf) — Business-sized cards to hand out and send a message to cell phone users who trap captive audiences in lines and in transit into hearing their loud and annoying conversations.

• Top Amazon.com Wishlist Items — Are you telling me a Clay Aiken Christmas album is the 14th most-popular want item on all of the biggest online marketplace? I swear I don't know why I ever leave this city.

• Video: Witness Sees Cops Administering 'UPS' — Perhaps real news footage of a not-no-bright eyewitness to an accident saying what she saw.

• The Messy Desk Contest — One of my buddies could be a contender, as he was once docked 2% of his yearly salary for a messy desk. Then again, he did win Messiest Student award as a senior in high school. I think I was voted Most Likely to Obsess Over Alyssa Milano.

• Badmouth Interviews Pauly Shore — I always thought the former Wiezel was a lot smarter than people gave him credit for. In this Q&A, he talks about his upcoming film Pauly Shore Is Dead.