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Friday, October 15, 2004

The ESPN Sunday Night Football Drinking Game
Earlier this year, when I wrote a post titled ESPN's Sunday Night Football Crew Worse Than Gigli, I said, "I now look forward to [Paul] Maguire beginning his analysis with the superfluous and grammatically incorrect, 'I'm a tell ya what...' If you added that reference to a drinking game, the whole place would be puking by halftime."

Well, get out your barf bags.

Here's how to play:

• Set yourself up with a minimum of six beers for the three-hour game. If the Ravens are playing (and they are just about every other week), grab eight.
• Take the assigned number of swigs — about the equivalent of one ounce, or 12 swigs per bottle/can. Do NOT drink when Paul Maguire is speaking. You might spit it up.
• If any of the "chug" criteria is met, you must finish your beer, even if you have to take a leak really badly.

DRINK WHEN MIKE PATRICK...
1 - Raves over the offensive line on a three-yard run
1 - Says a player is one of the best in the NFL when you can name 10 others at his position who are better
1 - Says the home crowd is making it too loud to hear, even though your neighbors can hear him through your TV
1 - Says "What a day in the NFL!"
1 - Says "Are you kidding me?!"
1 - Describes a play as "unbelievable," "amazing" or "incredible." Important: the play itself does not have to be remotely unbelievable, amazing or incredible
1 - Refers to a player as "one of the all-time greats"
1 - Calls a player one of the most underrated in the league
2 - Makes you lower the volume
2 - Says "Let's go down to Suzy Kolber. Suzy."
Chug - Says "Let's go down on Suzy Kolber. Suzy."
Chug - Breaks your ear drum

DRINK WHEN PAUL MAGUIRE...
1 - Prefaces any analysis with "I'm a tell ya what."
1 - Says "I'm gonna tell ya something" right before actually telling you something
1 - Says the word "watch" more than twice on any instant replay, as if you were doing anything but watching
1 - Says something you didn't already know
1 - Admits to being scared of Ray Lewis
1 - Says he talked to a player/coach earlier in the week
2 - Calls Theismann "Joseph"
Chug - Calls Theismann "an idiot"

DRINK WHEN JOE THEISMANN...
1 - Utters the phrase "like a Bill Parcells."
1 - Mentions his own playing career
1 - Points out a flaw in a quarterback's mechanics, whether or not the replay backs it up
1 - Says "What impresses me most about..."
1 - Mentions Notre Dame in any capacity
1 - Says he talked to a player/coach earlier in the week
1 - Says "If I'm the [insert team here]..."
2 - Offers a team advice "if they wanna win this game," as if they're on the fence about whether or not they want to win
2 - Refers to his punting career (one punt for one yard in 1985)
2 - Predicts a penalty that goes the other way
Chug - Refers, again, to any historical genius as "Norman Einstein."

DRINK WHEN...
1 - Ray Lewis is mic'ed up
1 - Ray Lewis is mentioned when the Ravens aren't playing
1 - A special-teams coach is said to have done "a great job"
2 - One of the three announcers accuses another of avoiding dinner checks
Chug - A drunken Hall of Fame quarterback hits on a marginally attractive sideline reporter
Chug - The Ravens are playing and anyone but Ray Lewis is mic'ed up
Chug - Any of the SFL crew mentions Ray Lewis' criminal record

Other Sports Drinking Games:

Yankees vs. Red Sox Drinking Game — Four drinks each time Manny Ramirez forgets how many outs there are.

College Football Drinking Game — Not all that creative, but at least beer is involved.

Hockey Drinking Game — Good thing it's adaptable to NCAA hockey.

Category: Sports | Permalink | Post a Comment (18)


Comments: The ESPN Sunday Night Football Drinking Game

The rules of the hockey drinking game pretty much ensure that the players will be drinking non-stop. Which is, I suppose, the point. One of those creators has to be Canadian (they of the non-stop beer commercials) and no wonder- there's an ice rink in every bar in Canada. I'm so bummed about hockey- the other night I watched some minor, minor, minor (okay, high school) team play on tv. I guess the sports programmers are missing NHL hockey, too.

It took me to Joe Theismann to catch the Suzy chug. Tsk, tsk, how politically incorrect...

Posted by lucy at October 15, 2004 9:26 AM

Your gonna need more than a six pack for this my friend, expecially for the whole Theismann mentioning his career thing.

I wouldn't consider Suzy marginal, I think she is pretty hot.

Posted by Mookiew at October 15, 2004 9:36 AM

Yeah, I was thinking of changing the beer minimum. I'm gonna chart it one of these weeks. Can't do it Sunday because the Yanks are on at the same time.

Plus, I wanna add some more criteria if people leave good comments.

Posted by Paul Katcher at October 15, 2004 10:33 AM

Based on these rules, the first quarter of the game better be pretty good because I dont think you will see much of the game past that. You will be passed out on your couch with all the drinking you are going to do.

I think your next article for espn.com should be on this broadcasting crew. It may be your last but I am sure you would have 100% approval from your readers here and on espn.com.

Posted by Mr Anonymous at October 15, 2004 12:10 PM

How about when:
The Patriots are mentioned as a dynasty (2 if they aren't playing)

An offense is refered to as "high-flying"

Posted by The 7th Angel at October 15, 2004 12:31 PM

How about drink every time Manny Ramirez gets an MVP vote. Oh, forget it, you'd be drunk too quick.

Posted by David Ortiz at October 15, 2004 1:36 PM

I think Vlad G. wins AL MVP. Manny second, Sheffield third. Then a mix of Schilling, Rivera, Ortiz and Ichiro.

Posted by Paul Katcher at October 15, 2004 1:40 PM

How bout a drink when Theisman talks for 45 without anyone else getting a word in...

One for every time Theisman and Maguire argue over whether measurement will bring a first down or not...

Posted by CJ at October 15, 2004 2:32 PM

Um.. that should have been 45 seconds up above...

Posted by CJ at October 15, 2004 2:45 PM

I'm confused. Is the object of the game to be a non-stop drink-a-thon with no time to piss or talk and the potential to fall asleep in the first quarter, or a way to make these guys more tolerable and the usually meaningless game more enjoyable? Is this just to make fun of them? If it's a real game get rid of at least half of them. Has Maquire ever called Theismann an idiot? ALso, what is the difference between the two shots and the chug on Suzy Kolber? Sorry for being so literal, but this is serious stuff devising a drinking game.

Posted by Larry at October 15, 2004 4:59 PM

With regards to the Yanks v Sox Drinking game...

Chug a beer if Enrique Wilson talks Manny into missing a game so they can go catch a drink at the teams hotel bar.

That SNF game is spot on, except for your six beer guess-timate. I think a quater barrell or at least a party ball would be necessary. And cups would be a waste of time...tap-in-mouth.

I know it may just be me, but I find Suzy Kolber to be very sexy.

Posted by Nick at October 15, 2004 5:03 PM

Drink twice everytime the announcers describe a simple end-around play as a reverse.

That grates on me for some reason. Maybe 2 drinks would make is tolerable.

Posted by Dave at October 15, 2004 5:48 PM

That's a end-around/reverse thing gets to me, too. A lot of annoucers are guilty of that one.

Larry, read the Suzy Kolber stuff again. Carefully. The chug entires will not happen, but a lot of that tusff should equal out to about six beers. I'll track it one Sunday night.

Posted by Paul Katcher at October 15, 2004 8:22 PM

Yep... last week I even saw a "double-reverse!!"

Of course that mean would mean a hand off to a running back, who hands off to a wide receiver going the other way (reverse) who hands off to another wide receiver going the other way (double reverse). That never happens in the NFL because defenses are too fast.

And it's an end around when the QB just hands off to the wide receiver... not a reverse.

Posted by CJ at October 16, 2004 5:53 AM

Calling an end-around a reverse really bothers me too. Just thought you'd all like to know.

Posted by The 7th Angel at October 16, 2004 7:24 PM

1 - Every time Theismann says that a runner called "down by contact" should be a play that can be challenged.

Chug - if Carl Banks breaks Joe Theismann's leg again.

BTW this game could easily have been a 12 pack when Summerall was on there, especially if you had:

1 - everytime Summerall doesn't know what's going on.

Posted by Kevin McAllister at December 14, 2004 8:46 AM

I would like to know why you guys are so one-sided on your comments? Please just call the plays and forget the comments!!!!!!
bengal fan, sue

Posted by bengallover at October 9, 2005 11:02 PM

After watching these three make asses of themselves yet again during last night's Browns-Steelers game, I'd add "drink 3 when Theismann makes a medical diagnosis," as he did when saying that Roethlisberger's standing on the sidelines was a bad idea for a guy who's had knee surgery.

It would be funny if Theismann actually did have a secret medical degree. I'ma tell you what, with a guy like that who went to Notre Dame, Ben's with one of the all-time greats.

Posted by stackpat at November 14, 2005 5:19 PM
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