Nonetheless, I catch the show on Comedy Central re-runs and through Internet clips. The latter is how I came across a video of a 2001 sketch starring Robert DeNiro as National Security Director Craig Fenson. In what could best be described as a mix of Bart Simpson and Osama bin Laden, Mr. Fenson warns Americans to be on the lookout for "nefarious terrorists" with some obscene-sounding names.

Very funny stuff that translates best in video, but here's the transcript:

Craig Fenson: Good afternoon. In the past few weeks, through our national hotline, we have collected hundreds of names of suspected terrorists, and I'm proud to say that most of the calls have come from high school and college students nationwide. In fact, we received over 475 calls alone regarding this man: M'Balz Es-Hari. We also received information on such nefarious terrorists such as Graabir Boubi and Haid D'Salaami. And let this be a message to you, Haid D'Salaami: we will not play your dangerous games We are also currently searching for a man we believe to be a al-Queda lieutenant: Hous Bin Pharteen, his cousin I-Bin Pharteen, and their close companion, I-Zheet M'Drurz. Question over there?

Reporter No. 1: Is there a way to identify Hous Bin Pharteen?

Craig Fenson: Our operatives have picked up his scent. Also, according to our intelligence, he is targeting gas refineries, fertilizer plants and, oddly enough, baked-bean canneries. He is a silent but deadly killer.

Reporter No. 2: What can you tell us about I-Zheet M'Drurz?

Craig Fenson: We're told that, when he was fleeing the scene of his last attack, he left skidmarks. He is extremely dangerous. Our sources say that he is planning on attacking the New York City sewer system with what we believe it is to be a dirty bomb.

Reporter No. 3: Do you have any other names you're willing to release?

Craig Fenson: Yes. Please call our hotline at once if you have any information on the following men: Shaif Hirboush. Al-Suq Akweer. Mustaf Herod Apyur Poupr. I hope I got that right. Awan Afuqya. Yul Strokheet Al-Wauch. Apul Madeek, who we believe will be targeting adult bookstores sometime in the near future. And this man, the notorious Yuliqa M'Diq, A.K.A. Uwana M'Diq, A.K.A. Usuqa M'Diq. Thank you, that is all. And live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Other Web Finds:

• Blowjob Follies by Tucker Max — The rudest, crudest real-name blogger I've ever come across, recounts some less-than-satisfying experiences in the sack. Special guest appearances by skidmarks and vomit.

• Funny Halloween Costumes — Time to start getting ready. And if your costume of choice is Fulla Bologna, Blow Me Tissue or a Toilet Seat, you're in luck.

• How Bush Did in Debate No. 1 — A five-minute, highly-edited video showcasing Bush's bumbles, stumbles and fumbles in Miami. I'm sure someone can produce the same for Kerry if they're willing to do the "hard work" necessary to produce it. Really, it's hard work. (Did I mention it's hard work?)

• JibJab's Good to be in D.C. — The guys who brought you the ultra-popular This Land political Flash sketch are back. I'm like Burger King here; I'm not really lovin' it. I mean, they wouldn't just force out another one just because the first did like 50 billion hits, would they? (Thanks, Pee Wee)

• Joe Bob's Conical 'Hooter' List — One of the most influential men of my teen-age years lists just about every euphemism ever uttered for "breast." Let's hear it for girls with big milk mountains and real chesticals. Ordering two eggs, sunny side up!

• Planet Photoshop Tutorials — After you're done visiting the other useless shit I throw at you, go learn something.

• Poker Odds Calculator — Odds of you having a life and beating those pros in Vegas: 0%

• Presidential Candidate Selector — Get past the talk of flip-flops and war service and learn which candidate is likely to best serve your interests related to foreign policy, the economy, drug laws and more. My survey came in strongly for Kerry. Not a surprise. (Thanks, G. Joe)

• Stern Show News Archives — An insanely detailed daily account of Howard Stern's radio show from MarksFriggin.com, a very popular site since about the time Al Gore invented the Internet.

• Fly a Virtual Aerial Show — I don't know how to describe this self-directed paper-plane/colorful flying paper-majig-or-whatever, but it's pretty cool if you don't have plans for the next 10 seconds.

• JasonWatts.org — Shameless plug for a PK.com reader. Everyone is entitled to one, ya know. "Always right when trying to make sense of the left," is the tagline for Jason's blog, which features links and commentary supporting our fearless Commander-in-Chief, Mr. George W. Bush.