"What can I say? I just tip my hat and call the Yankees my daddy."

"I wish they would disappear. I wish they would disappear and never come back. I'd like to face any other [team] right now."

-- Pedro Martinez, after losing to the Yankees on Sept. 24. It was Boston's 19th loss in 30 games when Martinez had started against New York.

• I know it's unlikely for ESPN's Sunday Night Football crew to over-hype something average (or worse), Joe Theismann actually introduced the Bucs-Raiders game as a classic, old-fashioned football game and said (for real!), "God, I can't wait for this one!." For all the times the Sunday night shills have made mountains out of molehills and Montanas out of McNowns, this one has got to take the cake. He can't wait to see a 1-1 team and another who couldn't score an offensive touchdown in two losses? God, I can't wait for the mute button to kick in.

• When you golf with your buddies during a guys-only weekend, an 18-hole round will include approximately 75 farts and 20 more conversations about farts. In fact, a public golf course may be the only place where you can hear, "I look at Burps as the friendly cousins of the Fart family." (Speaking of, check out videos of superhero Laser Farter.) Every now and then I wonder what life would be like if farts were visible, if people could see their impending damage. Not a lot. Just like 12 million times.

• One of my ol' reliable January jokes — "Has the NHL season started yet?" — is looking like it'll be a legitimate question. This sucks, since I hate working on new material. And if you're a regular reader here, you already know that.

• That Colts-Packers shootout was cool for awhile. Wow, Peyton Manning is awesome! Wow, Brett Favre is awesome! And then after it's like 72-63 you start to think, "Jesus, these defenses suck a foot-long schlong." And it takes all the air out of it. Not that Chris Berman would ever notice.

• Speaking of Manning, this will show you how great he is and how great the Patriots are. Including last postseason, Peyton's stats in his last four games against teams not from New England (all of which were 2003 playoff teams): 96-for-129 (74.4% !!!), 1,328 yards (332.0 avg.), 15 TDs and 0 INTs. Ryan Leaf — the No. 2 pick in the 1998 draft, behind Manning — couldn't do that against a Pop Warner defense. In his last two games against the Patriots, Manning is a combined 39-for-76 for 493 yards, 3 TDs and 5 INTs.

• It took 15 days for the Kansas City Chiefs (0-3) to go from legitimate Super Bowl contenders to having to finish 10-3 to seriously challenge for a playoff spot. Their next four games: at Baltimore (2-1), at Jacksonville (3-0) and home against Atlanta (3-0) and Indianapolis (2-1). The home sked also includes the Patriots. Prognosis: three months to live.

• It took eight days for the New York Giants to go from being a terrible 0-1 to an encouraging 2-1. Not that the Redskins and Browns are the '74 Steelers and '85 Bears, but if they can get a split in their next two — at Green Bay (1-2) and at Dallas (1-1 as of press time) — they'll head into a Week 6 bye with a 3-2 record. And I thought that kind of start would have required a deal with the devil. Something involving losing something important, like a foot or a sperm-producing, egg-shaped body part or a Hensley "Bam Bam" Meulens rookie card.

• The trailer for the movie Friday Night Lights promises that it's "one of the most important sports stories of all time." And it is. H.G. Bissinger's 1990 masterpiece, a serious look at the often-times unhealthy obsession with the Permian Panthers in Odessa, Texas, is consistently ranked among the best sports books of all time. So why am I seeing some dumbed-down, helmet-cracking, clipboard-smashing, coach-screaming bullshit trailer that looks like every other high school football movie ever made? Already I hear Hollywood has advanced the Panthers one round further in the state championship tournament than they made it in reality, a classic phony tactic in a phony industry. Hollywood sucks, and not just a little bit.

• You know how much college football you pay attention to when you alma mater sucks as bad as Syracuse? None. I used to be so serious about the Orangemen that I'd wear a jersey every week and kick my girlfriend out of my apartment at noon kickoff, all because she was around during one game they lost. Now I didn't even think to check a Saturday score against a ranked team till Sunday night. Lost 31-10 and we covered against Virginia. The spread opened at +22 and closed at +27. Apparently, the word is out: we suck something fierce.

• Every time Donovan McNabb throws for 300 yards or tosses a TD or runs for another — he did all three on Sunday — Eagles fans should punch themselves in the balls for booing him at draft day in 1999. Philly fans should say two things before they go to bed each Sunday night: "Thank god we picked Donovan over Ricky Williams." And, "Thank god I'm an idiot."

• If you'd have bet me the Chicago Cubs would get 15 wins out of an aging Greg Maddux, acquire Nomar Garciaparra for a can of beans and still be scrapping to get into the postseason in the final week of the season, I would have given you 25/1 odds. Who was expected to be as good in the NL? The Phils? The Astros? There were two teams even in their stratosphere. This was supposed to be the one slam-dunk out of all six divisions. Must be the Yankees' fault.

Today's Sports Links:

• Bonds Randomly Tested for Steroids — Great, at least we'll finally know for sure whether ... [we interrupt this program to bring you this very important message] ... MLB.com reports that "results remain anonymous unless a player tests positive for the second time." MLB is the mother-fucking master of one-step-up-and-two-steps-back.

• George Deserves Hall Pass — Over the 31-year period that Steinbrenner has owned the Yanks, New York has won the most World Series (6), made the most World Series (10), advanced to the postseason the most times (15), and made the most money by a wide, wide margin. Not bad for a guy who bought a crappy team but one with significant brand caché, like any team from L.A., Chicago or Boston (I kinda remember NBA teams from those cities being sorta popular). I love when people talk about Steinbrenner's influence as "for better or for worse." Better for us, worse for you.

• Five Out of Six for Awesome Singh — The PGA Tour numbers these days are staggering. Singh is expected to reach a record $10 million in purse money by the end of the year. John Daly has already made almost $1.7 million more than his previous season-high of $574,783 in 13 years ago. They have one man to thank: Tiger. And one woman to thank for Tiger no longer dominating: his hot-ass girlfriend, Elin Nordegren, who, by the way, is a twin. That means there's another one out there. You can have sex with pretty much the same women Tiger does! How's that for a perfect gift for the golf fan in your life?

• Vote for Baseball's Movie All-Star Team — The Yankees get screwed by ESPN, who limited players to four per film. So Roger Dorn gets in for Major League (because nobody remembers any other movie third baseman) and Clew Haywood gets left off. The guy hit home runs to South America, for Christ's sake. An absolute travesty to leave this guy off the ballot.

• Kobe Police Interview Transcript — The day after being accused of rape, he was questioned by police. Now that transcript is public, thanks to an audio recording sent anonymously to a newspaper. (And you could probably spend a week discussing the ethics of that.) Among the things we learn: Kobe wanted to settle right quick and has experience in matters of cheating on his wife.

• MLB 2004 Screenshot of A-Rod in Red Sox Uniform — Look closely and you'll see Aston Kutcher in the dugout. Seriously, back in February, that was an awesome episode of Punk'd starring George Steinbrenner and Larry Lucchino.