That's also one of the bad things, because guys like me end up spending waaaay too much time tinkering with teams like the Giants, fooling myself into thinking they'll win more than six games this year. (Although, Dr. Z.'s Sports Illustrated predicts that Big Blue will go 7-9.)

In Season 1, I put my settings on All-Pro and took the G-Men all the way to the promised land, winning the Super Bowl with Kurt Warner and team MVP Paul Katcher, a 5-11, 180-pound running back with a 99 rating in everything. I had to pay for such greatness, but the handsome free-agent pick-up was well worth the salary cap hit.

In Season 2, I gave Eli Manning a shot, not wanting to get any phone calls from his dad, and he took us back to the big game, then threw five interceptions against the Patriots in a loss. Well, I went all Steinbrenner on the team, firing just about everyone but Katcher, who had another great season. Somehow I left my roster about five players short with no salary cap room and not enough patience to work things out with a number of trades. I did what any GM would do: delete the franchise and start from scratch.

Only this time, I was sick of the current Giants roster and participated in a fantasy draft, picking only young, talented, cheaply priced talent. It was like being a porn director for a day. My first five picks were Ed Reed, Jamal Lewis, Roy Williams, Todd Heap and Aaron Brooks. I wanted to be strong up the middle, where the game is won, because, unlike on the ends of the field, you can actually see what the hell is going on on the TV. The Pro Bowl safeties limited my chances of giving up a big play, and allowed me to blitz and let those guys cover receivers one-on-one. I picked up some shitty receivers whose overall ratings were in the 70s, but with speed in the mid- to upper-90s. They couldn't catch the clap from a street whore, but at times they proved to be as dangerous as the DEA at Burning Man.

This time there was no Super Bowl appearance, as it was Aaron Brooks' turn to do a Ryan Leaf impersonation, going something like 5-for-25 with four interceptions in a divisional round loss to the Buccaneers. Even though this was, as Bill Simmons has coined it, a "No Fucking Way Game" — one in which Madden predetermines you'll never in a million years win this one — Brooks had to go. Thanks to my Billy Beane-like frugality in the draft, I was $32 million under the cap in the offseason. This allowed my to pay Madden cover boy Ray Lewis whatever he wanted (including legal fees), adding him and Daunte Culpepper as free-agent acquisitions.

With my dream team of players I really don't like in real life, I started the season 6-0, then let the computer simulate Big Blue to a 14-2 record, tying the 1986 squad as the greatest in New York history. Only I couldn't get in done in the Super Bowl, losing to the Chiefs and their Joe Montana in the making, Tom Brady. I've never felt so much like a Buffalo Bills fan. Then again, I did win one out of three.

So now, we're in Season 3 of the new New York Giants, with no less than seven players with a 99 rating. Already in Week 1, I knocked out Atlanta's Kyle Boller for four weeks. Well, I didn't do it, really. Madden did. My enjoyment of team management over actual playing has gotten to the point where I had the CPU play both sides, and I just sat their and watched, like a proud papa watching his sons bully kids in a playground. Simulation has its frustrations, such as watching Madden run hook patterns on 3rd-and-12 and punting on 4th and inches (something you can convert with a QB sneak about 99.99 percent of the time.) Somehow, though, I think it's gonna be better than watching the real Giants this year.

Here's how my team stacks up, with player ratings, which I bumped through successful training camp drills, in parenthesis.

Quarterbacks:
Daunte Culpepper (95)
Ben Roethlisbergr (72)

Halfbacks:
Jamal Lewis (99)
T.J. Duckett (82)

Fullback:
Joey Goodspeed (90)

Wide Receivers:
Devery Henderson (81, speed 96)
Charles Francis (73, speed 95)
Ty Thomas (72, speed 98)

Tight Ends:
Todd Heap (99)
Dallas Clark (90)

Offensive Line:
Olin Kreutz (99)
Brian Waters (95)
LeCharles Bentley (95)
Mike Pearson (88)
Kevin Barry (84)

Defensive Line:
Kenechi Udeze (94)
Raheem Brock (92)
Cornelius Griffin (92)
Kelly Gregg (91)

Linebackers:
Ray Lewis (99)
Akin Ayodele (96)
Nick Barnett (96)

Cornerbacks:
Asante Samuel (93)
Travis Fisher (92)
Willie Middlebrooks (87)

Safeties:
Ed Reed (99)
Roy Williams (99)
Jon McGraw (92)

Punter:
Brian Moorman (99)

Kicker:
Neil Rackers (79)

I'm telling you, Rich Kotite could win a Super Bowl with this team, with Ray Handley and Barry Switzer as his coordinators.

The Weekend Link Dump

Sports:

• Yankees' Brown Breaks Non-Pitching Hand Punching Wall — Unbelievable. I don't even know who we lost. Our ace? No, that's El Duque. Our No. 2? No, that's Mussina, but he stinks. It feels like they have no chance at this point, and yet they're seven losses up for any postseason spot and two losses up for homefield advantage in the AL playoffs. On pace to win 100 games, they're pretty much an embarrassment right now. And that's irrespective of what the Red Sox are doing. Kudos, but not genuflection, to them for playing as well as they should have been all year, even if it was at the cost of running out a local hero. But the Yanks can't be dropping games to bums with a tenuous lead to protect.

• 10 Must-See NFL Games in the Season's First Month — SI.com's Don Banks' list includes such games as Indianapolis at New England, an awesome opening-night matchup (even though I'm not big on the Thursday night season-openers) and Minnesota at Philadelphia, a Monday Night affair that could see Terrell Owens make Randy Moss, by comparison, look as sportsmanlike as Barry Sanders.

• Admit it America, We're All Racist — As expected, Jason Whitlock responds to the thousands of e-mails he received criticizing his take on America's disenchantment with the Dream Team. Allow me to recap the argument. Jason: You don't like the Dream Team because they're black. America: The Dream Team embodied so little about what we admire about Olympians. We root for black competitors in other events, and my favorite athlete ever is Walter Payton/Sammy Sosa/David Robinson. Jason: I root for Tiger Woods because he's black, and that means you're racist, too.

• Giambi Officially on Steroids... — ... to treat a benign tumor in his pituitary gland, according to sources. Giambi still is not commenting, and the somewhat weird secrecy about the matter is because "pituitary tumors have been anecdotally associated with anabolic steroid and human growth hormone use, but medical experts say there has been no documented connection." I have said this all week to my friends. If steroid use had anything to do with Giambi's body betraying him to this extent, it might be nice of him to warn the public even more about the dangers of 'roids. But that's a big if. Who knows what's going on. Maybe his denials are truthful and maybe he'll pull a Kobe and deliver some bizarre apology down the road.

• Bronx Banter Interviews Buster Olney — A lengthy Q&A with the author of The Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty," about the loss to the Diamondbacks in Game 7 of the 2001 World Series. Olney provides some deep perspective on the effect the players had in the clubhouse and with the media, and how the team from 1996-2001 was able to remain so successful. He also shares some candid thoughts on the current state of affairs in the Bronx.

• 84 Reasons Why 1984 Was the Best — Bill Simmons manages to work into his latest Page 2 column 43,182 pop culture references, breaking his record by 16. Among the dignitaries noted: Christy Canyon, Jason Bateman and Menudo. What a year, indeed.

• My Photos From Yankee Stadium Thursday Night — Same kind of shots you always see me take there, so that's why I didn't feature them. Nothing too special this time around.

News:

• The GOP's Dirty Z-Bomb — The Washington Post's E.J. Dionne Jr. on Democrat Zell Miller's speech Wednesday trashing John Kerry at the Republican National Convention. Dionne tries to explain the stuff Miller "just made up" about Kerry and fellow Democratic leaders. Also, if you missed Miller's interview with Chris Matthews, you can view the video now. In it, Miller gets all flustered because he's asked such tough questions as, "Do you believe, truthfully, that John Kerry wants to defend the country with spitballs?" He also tells Matthews to "get out of my face" and (gasp!) wishes he could challenge him to a duel. From Miller's own website, an introduction for John Kerry at a 2001 dinner. Excerpt: "My job tonight is an easy one: to present to you one of this nation's authentic heroes, one of this party's best-known and greatest leaders — and a good friend."

• Britney Spears' Used Gum on eBay — Don't bother bidding. I'm gonna win it. And if you were smart, you'd throw some gum up there and just say it's Britney's. Or just put Britney + Gum in your item's header to cash in on the attention. (Thanks, Pee Wee)

• Motley Crue Members Set for Reality Shows — Tommy Lee: The Naked Truth and The Remaking of Vince Neil are coming to a TV near you. And when they do, I'll probably be playing Madden 2005. Or out getting drunk somewhere. One of the two.

• Tales of the City, Revisited — TIME magazine answers some questions about post-9/11 New York. Has Manhattan recovered yet? Not quite. How are the survivors doing? Use of alcohol, cigarettes and marijuana are up. Scars run deepest for those who were closest. What's happened to "America's Mayor?" Look no further than the consulting and investment firm Giuliani Partners, which brings in almost double the revenue per employee than Goldman Sachs.

• Katie Boring Weds Nathan Bland — The headline is like a Jay Leno wet dream.

• People Actually Trying to Cash George W. Bush $200 Bill — One cashier actually gave $50 change on this. I have to move to Roanoke Rapids, N.C. (Thanks, Art.)

• Naked Man Only One Comfortable With His Body — From The Onion: "While [Geoffrey] Danvers characterized his naked body as 'no big deal,' others dubbed it 'gross,' 'embarrassing,' and 'tragic.'"

• The AP Changes 'Boos' to 'Ooohs' in Report on Bush and Clinton — Turns out the crowd Bush was speaking to did not boo his announcement of prayers for Bill Clinton's speedy recovery.

Web Finds:

• David Pogue's Song Parodies — Some goofy years-old songs cracking on Microsoft and Steve Jobs, from an author of the New York Times' Circuits section.

• Miss Universe Accidentally Exposes Thong in Fashion Show — A photo sequence of Jennifer Hawkins stepping on her dress and ripping it off. (More.) Like something out of a Leslie Nielsen movie.

• Seniors Rule! — Yearbook photos accompanied by snarky commentary.

• eBay Store: Tickets From My Ass — Hey, at least the feedback rating is solid. Only one buyer not satisfied with tickets bought from this person's ass.

• Photo: Man's Three Willie Nelson Tattoos on Leg — Fotki.com contest entry. Not weird at all.