The other day I came across a link to a free .pdf version of Madonna's Sex book, and I got to thinking, "Is there a person alive who hasn't seen Madonna naked?" From the September 1985 issue of Playboy (which contained photos taken in 1979) to the Sex book to the movie Body of Evidence to the time she strutted down that fashion runway with her boobs hanging out, we've all seen Madonna naked.
And now as I sit at my computer whilst conducting an online fantasy football draft that will take a few hours, I shall pass the time between picks by placing female celebs into categories based on our want or appreciation of their nakedness.
We're Full, Thanks: Chicks we don't need to see naked anymore.
1. Pamela Anderson — I can't believe Playboy is still putting her on the cover, the most recent being the May 2004 issue. Weren't the first 300 photos and videos with Tommy Lee and Bret Michaels enough? Who's still buying these magazines?
2. Carmen Electra — See above. And thank god there was no video of her and Dennis Rodman.
3. Shannon Tweed — Can't say I didn't enjoy her straight-to-cable work when I was a teen, but how many times can you fake a sex scene before it just turns into comedy?
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The Holy Grail: — Chicks we've never seen naked, no matter how many fake nudes you've seen on the web.
1. Britney Spears — If When she poses for Playboy to rekindle her career, which has never been about music, university computers will overheat.
2. Jessica Alba — Unfortunately, this is less of a certainty. Though it's not like she needs to build an extension on her house for Emmy and Oscar Awards.
3. Jennifer Aniston — Only if Brad Pitt cheats on her. Otherwise, forget it.
4. Stacy Keibler — The persistent mentions of Alyssa Milano on this site aside, the WWE queen and former Baltimore Ravens cheerleader might be my all-time No. 1 babe. (Pictured)
5. Cindy Margolis — Considering she made all her money posting non-nude pics on the Internet, she might be the smartest woman of all time.
6. Elizabeth Hurley — I'm not counting the paparazzi vacation shots. Imagine what Hefner's crew can do with her face and bod.
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Smart Cookies: Chicks who benefitted from their public nakedness.
1. Sable — At least for a time, she had every red-blooded male tuning into WWF's Raw is War on Monday nights. She may have had the highest-selling issue of Playboy up to that point.
2. Sharon Stone — Face it, if she didn't get all freaky in Basic Instinct, she wouldn't have nearly the fame she does now.
3. Shannon Elizabeth — Like she's known for anything beside doing that webcam show in American Pie.
4. Heather Graham — She was Rollergirl in Boogie Nights and um ... um ... some other stuff. I think.
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Put it On! Put it On!: Chicks we regretted seeing naked.
1. Chyna — The fact that Playboy featured her once was bad enough. That it did twice was enough to boycott the brand forever.
2. Tanya Harding — If ya wanna check out the honeymoon video for curiosity's sake, go right ahead. But don't say I didn't warn you.
3. Diane Keaton — I didn't see Something's Gotta Give, but I heard some bad things, man.
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Great Expectations: Chicks whose naked debuts caused big news.
1. Halle Berry — Did anyone even see Swordfish or just view the screen grabs online?
2. Elle MacPherson — Playboy reportedly paid her $25,000 a page for a 10-page spread in its May 1994 issue.
3. Brooke Burke — May have displaced Sable's as the best-selling issue of Playboy Hard to keep track.
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Surprise! Never gave 'em a second thought. Then one day a video leaked and the whole world is searching the Net for it.
1. Paris Hilton — We always knew she wasn't that attractive and that her personality was for crap. Now we know she's nothing special in the sack, either. Not the brightest bulb on the tree, she and that dirtbag filmed a keepsake with nightvision instead of, oh I don't know, turning the lights on.
2. Jenna Lewis — This chick could show a lot of L.A. runaways how to work in front of a camera.
3. Gena Lee Nolin — You know how some of these "leaked" videos are so good that you think the principles released them on purpose? This isn't one of them.
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OK, draft is over. Selecting 10th and 15th and continuing in a 12-team league, I got Edgerrin James, Michael Vick and Brian Westbrook. Took a flier on Byron Leftwich. Thought Mark Brunell could do something with Portis and Coles, whom I do not have. Charlie Garner and Issac Bruce round out some guys who might score 7-9 TDs.
So we're done here, and maybe another time I'll have room to mention Nicole Kidman, Denise Richards, Nicole Eggert, Tara Reid, Charlize Theron, Diane Lane, etc. Long live Hollywood.
You HAVE to mention Katie Holmes on this list (maybe in the Great Expectations category?). What a great movie....if I could only remember the name of it, or who else was in it, or what it was about.
Posted by Keith at August 31, 2004 8:51 AM