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Makin' Like the Griswolds (Again). Vegas, Baby
It was only a few short months ago when I re-enacted National Lampoon's European Vacation, and now I'm about to follow in the footsteps of Clark and Ellen, Rusty and Audrey once again. Me and eight compadres are hitting the Las Vegas Strip strip through the weekend, and here's my itinerary...
1. Somehow get to the Hard Rock pool. (Live Web cam.) Apparently, they welcome local strippers to sunbathe there. Which is really gonna be annoying, since I'll be going just for the underwater music and pool-side gaming.
2. Try not to be surrounded by 20 guys at all times. I'm not holding my breath. Everything points to a New Orleans-like experience, but people assure me otherwise.
3. Bet $50 on the Yanks to win an individual game. Bet $100 on the Yanks to win the World Series. Invest $20 in a 15-1 Super Bowl darkhorse. Lay $200 that a Red Sox fan kills himself before the end of the season. (Heaven is being at a sports bar after helping two different softball teams win, seeing the Red Sox blow a late, three-run lead by leaving in a starter with the bases loaded and nobody out, and seeing the Yanks steal victory from the jaws of defeat with a ninth-inning, two-run homer and an 11th-inning game-winning homer from an incredible 1-2 punch of Gary Sheffield and Alex Rodriguez.)
4. Kick serious ass in blackjack. Have Don Mattingly come through for me at the roulette table.
5. Run into Tara Reid flashing her new breasts.
6. Set a record for most bacon eaten at a breakfast buffet.
7. Take hundreds of photos.
8. Laugh at the faux Venetian canals after seeing the real ones in May.
9. Don't think in the batter's box; just swing. Leave nothing in the tank. Have no regrets. (Fill in your own cliché.)
10. Don't die.
And now, the greatest movie quote ever related to Las Vegas. Presenting Hyman Roth in The Godfather Part II:
There was a kid I grew up with, he was younger than me. Sort of hooked up with me, you know. We did our first work together, worked our way out of the street. Things were good, we made the most of it. During Prohibition we ran molasses into Canada, made a fortune, your father too. As much as anyone I loved him and trusted him. Later on he had an idea to build a city out of a desert stopover for GIs on their way to the West Coast. That kid's name was Moe Green. And the city he invented was Las Vegas. This was a great man — a man of vision and guts. And there isn't even a PLAQUE, or a SIGNPOST, or a STATUE of him in that town. Someone put a bullet through his eye. No one knows who gave the order. When I heard it, I wasn't angry. I knew Moe; I knew he was headstrong — talking loud, saying stupid things. So when he turned up dead, I let it go. And I said to myself, this is the business we've chosen! I didn't ask who gave the order, BECAUSE IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH BUSINESS! That two million in the bag in your room. I'm going in, take a nap. When I wake, if the money's on the table, I'll know I have a partner. If it isn't, I know I don't.
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Well Paul for the bacon eating record, you’ll have to eat 4.5 pounds of bacon in one sitting. The current record holder; James Butterfield of Calf Creek Texas ate a whopping 4.5 pounds of bacon at the MGM Grand breakfast buffet on April 6th 2002. He also woofed down 15 eggs, 11 pancakes and washed it all down with half a gallon of orange juice. James died last month of stomach cancer but his son James Jr. plans on breaking his fathers record this fall by eating 6 pounds of bacon at the Bellagio.
You can do it Paul!!!
Forget the blackjack tables and head for the craps table. Craps has the smallest house margin of any game in the casino. Roulette is deadly... it's a cash cow for the casino. And whatever you do... don't play Keno!!!!
I must be getting old, I would've put #10 Don't die higher up on the list.
darn
Laugh at the faux Venetian canal? You want a chuckle, then go see the faux New York, New York.
Have a great time! I always have a blast (from what I remember) in Vegas. Hopefully you'll share stories along with your pics (what happens in Vegas doesn't have to stay in Vegas). I am glad that your itinerary does not include a quickie marriage at the Elvis Chapel. Well, then again anything is possible...it's Vegas, baby.
double down on 11 or 12....or even 13. piss off the Gamblers anonymous at your table. its fun.
Remember, there is a proper time to split 10s or hit a 13 into a dealer's 6- When the table is full and your buddy needs a seat.
Work's every time.
The tropicana pool is also very interesting. Less strippers, more bachelorette parties.
I'm heading to Vegas tonight too. I hope to come back with stories I can't tell anyone.
Have a great time- and in case you're looking for a laid-back dive bar where you can watch a hooker get her you-know-what licked by her pimp ON THE BAR (and at no charge!), be sure to check out the Double Down Saloon. What else would you expect from a place that serves a drink called "Ass Juice"?
I'll have to tell the story some time- it's a good one :)
I think I want to party with Kristi. Dang.
After Day 1, I'm down $250 (fuck you, roulette wheel; blackjack was pretty good to me), but I feel like I broke even.
Pretty fun first day. Drank for like 12 hours, wrapped up at 4 a.m. (7 a.m. New York time on a travel day). Didn't hit any red-rope clubs or strip clubs. Not sure I wanna.
Kristi, thanks for the recommendation. My friends have heard of that place, and we're doubling down tonight.
Blackjack treated me very well. One particulary good session turned $200 into $2000. Craps, sportsbook, poker & other goofy table games didn't go so well but I got my room compted and went home up $1300. Good times!
What do you expect Cass, the real thing? Of course Vegas is themed and tacky. And that's why we love it. Looking forward to it next month.
Well Paul for the bacon eating record, you’ll have to eat 4.5 pounds of bacon in one sitting. The current record holder; James Butterfield of Calf Creek Texas ate a whopping 4.5 pounds of bacon at the MGM Grand breakfast buffet on April 6th 2002. He also woofed down 15 eggs, 11 pancakes and washed it all down with half a gallon of orange juice. James died last month of stomach cancer but his son James Jr. plans on breaking his fathers record this fall by eating 6 pounds of bacon at the Bellagio.
You can do it Paul!!!
Posted by Tequila Dave at August 5, 2004 9:01 AM