Celebrity sex videos are all the rage, and it's hard to keep count. Pam Anderson and Bret Michaels. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. Paris Hilton and Rick Solomon. Gena Lee Nolin and Greg Fahlman. Vince Neil and Janine Lindemulder. Jenna Lewis and whomever. That foreign singer whose name I can't find. Abi Titmuss and a guy and a girl.
(I know you're probably headed to Google now, but please come back.)
But the biggest celebrity sex star of them all is none other than our righteous Attorney General, making several appearances on your monitor in Nerve.com's John Ashcroft Amateur Video Contest.
Through July 14, users are submitting their sexiest one-minute videos that include a discussion of the AG. Three are free, and the rest are available to Nerve.com premium subscribers, of which I am not one — but for $7 maybe I'll reconsider.
So far my favorite is "Justice for Puppets" by Jenny Nissenson, a hilarious clip in which two pillars of justice, in the form of silver-painted semi-topless broads, get all hot and bothered over a most decent puppet:
"He can trample my amendments any day!"
"Give me your Patriot Act and give it to me hard!"
"Strip me of my rights!"
To which the AG replies,"Jumping jihad!," before being bound and gagged and otherwise smothered in the cleavage of civil rights.
If you missed Nerve.com: Downloading Sex, on HBO Sunday night, you can catch it on HBO2 - East on July 20 at 3:10 a.m. and July 31 at 1:15 a.m. Kinda like "Real Sex," but with a few "Masturbation Studies" segments in which women entertain themselves in a private room while the camera focuses in on them from the shoulders up. User comments on the program agree those bits are a hit.
Other Web Finds:
• Assvertise — Photos of the New York Health & Racquet Club's "Booty Call" campaign, in which models display messages on their panties. John Ashcroft would not approve.
• Photos: Britney Spears in Maui — If you'd told me a year ago that we'd have paparazzi shots of a bikini-clad Britney on a beach and they wouldn't even be good, I'd have thought you were crazy.
• More Photos of Britney Looking Like Crap — Trucker hat and green cargo pants? Girl, don't go all Jennifer Capriati on us! Hefner, get on this, old man!
• Quiz: Dog Toy or Marital Aid — Can you tell the objects that your dog plays with from the ones your girlfriend plays with? (Thanks, Sam)
• Photoshop Contest: Other New York Post Exclusives — Was only a matter of time before the FARK.com community chimed in on this one. My favorite is: Titanic Docks! World's Largest Liner Arrives Safely.
• Rock Paper Saddam — The former Iraqi pres finds time to play a game on the witness stand.
• The Five Worst Sylvester Stallone Movies — Like selecting the five greenest blades of grass in Central Park.
• PCWorld.com's Microsoft Office Tips — Is it just me, or have you noticed that people who use these work apps most really aren't the most proficient computer users?
• Video Clips of Marlon Brando's Greatest Moments — Actual content on Moviefone.com. "Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you want to see?"
• The Player — Joe Concha again writes about the dynamic between horny men and horny women at the Jersey Shore. We've got to be only a week away from a "What He Says/What He Means" column. But anyway, great party, Joe. Next time let's rig up that 50-50 raffle, huh?
I got 13 of the 14 right on the dog toy v. marital aid test. It is officially safe for me to play with anyone's dog now.
Who would have thought that with all of her money and connections that Britney would allow herself to hit the wall at 22? Who the hell leaves their house looking like that?
Posted by Cass at July 12, 2004 6:05 PM