As you must know, I'm an Internet junkie. Have been since 1996. Apart from the obvious frivolities — like those Mastercard Priceless photos that stopped being funny like two years ago — the Internet is a valuable tool that's made our lives more efficient and, hopefully, more intelligent,
I know some people view the online world as a big porn-viewing arcade, but I'm here debunk that myth with a list of some of the truly valuable uses of the Internet:
Maps: Gone are the days when directions are dictated from people who "know how to get there but don't know the street names." No longer must you rely on a friend who tells you to stay on a road for two miles when it's really eight. Think of how much time has been saved by people who hit the road to attend porn conventions in unfamiliar cities.
Tracking Packages: Say you see great deal on three-packs of Jenna Jameson videos. It used to be that you had to time the order so that it arrived on Saturday, so you weren't stuck at work upon delivery, leaving all 225 minutes of cinematic magic sitting idle in the mailbox or, worse, coming home to a note from the postmaster that no one was home to receive the package. Now you can track the order's trail from Delaware to the cesspool that is Jersey City and schedule a sick day just right.
eBay: I'd say "auction sites," but there really is only one. Now you can turn your used junk into cash: CDs, fake autographs, even those old Playboys you never opened because instead of that elusive Britney Spears layout, Hef gave you the Sexy Ladies of Latin TV. Thanks, old man.
Instant Messages: Who wants to waste valuable cell phone minutes to do some heavy breathing? Or pay long-distance charges to see when that chick's gonna be back in town to visit her old college roommate, only to spend the night at your place? And how else could you ever talk to three potential casual hook-ups, with none having any clue about it?
So there you have it, the Internet is not all about viewing porn. I don't know why people think that way.
Maps and directions.
Favorite line in directions.
Go to where the (fill in the blank), used to be and then turn left. The thing or place isn't there anymore and you're not from there. Lots of help.
Posted by art at June 24, 2004 6:45 AM