I never knew just how much unconditional support my brother lends me in life until he sent this instant message to me Tuesday morning:

PK.com Brother: I downloaded Jive Soul Bro off the Internet
PK.com: And now I can die in peace

Jive Soul Bro is, after all, the greatest entrance music in the history of professional wrestling, produced in the '80s, when the "superstars" lent their own voices to the tunes, and the storylines were at their stereotypical peak. As if you couldn't tell from the black guy in the pimp outfit eating fried chicken, for Christ's sake. Nothing like having the kids see that on Saturday mornings.

It's hard to put into words how hard I've searched for this audio over the years. I've tried Google. I've tried Kazaa. I've visited countless WWF-related personal websites that are run by virgins who make Howard Stern minions cool by comparison. I've tried every applicable keyword combination: "slick + theme," "jive + soul + bro" and "alyssa + milano + naked + hardcore." All this time, and nothin' ... till now.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the greatest audio clip since Lee Elia's f-bomb tirade against Cubs fans, in which he says about Chicago's daytime fans: "The mother fuckers don't even work. That's why they're out at the fucking game"...

DOWNLOAD AUDIO TO JIVE SOUL BRO NOW!

Uh, to be honest, it's not really the whole song, but it's good enough. Follow along with the lyrical wizardry below.

Well, I met this lady
And I told her quite a story
Said I'd love her forever more

But the trouble is
I tell the same ol' story
To every girl that walks through the door

It's the Slickster talkin' at ya, honey
Yeeaahh!

Well, first they love me
And then they don't
Sometimes they do it
And sometimes they won't

So I said to this girl
"Hey, you, get out"
And she got to a peed (?)
And began to shout

You're a jive soul bro
A jive soul bro
And you're always lyin' to you friends
You're a jive soul bro
A jive soul bro
And you'll never get nothin' in the end

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, ladies?
This is the Slickster talkin' to ya
I don't do nothin' but tell the truth
Heh, heh, heh, heh

Well, they thought this dude might learn a lesson
But I didn't learn a thing at all
Late last night I was out there messin'
With a lady that was seven feet tall

Other Web Finds:

• Meet Educator Shit Fun Chew — If you don't laugh at this National Institute of Education bio page, I don't think we could ever hang out. I can imagine greeting her as "Ms. Chew" and her saying, "Please call me Shit Fun." (Found on GorillaMask.net)

• Random Thoughts on VH1's "100 Most Metal Moments" — Witty commentary from Metal Sludge on every moment, including No. 10 Return Of The Thunder God ... "About Rick Allen losing his arm. That really sucked for him because it meant he could only beat women with one arm then! Oh yeah, like I'm a dick for saying that. He gets arrested for domestic violence but I'm a dick for saying it. Please."

• Collection of Bruce Springsteen's Greatest Lyrics — I was thinking of doing this myself, and maybe I'll still give my top 10 at some point. Off the top of my head, how can you beat this? "Someday, girl, I don't know when. We're gonna get to that place where we really wanna go, and we'll walk in the sun. But till then, tramps like us, baby we were born to run!"

• I Am The Phantom Shitter — A Washington D.C. area-person makes a confession on Craig's List. Sounds like a good use of time to me.

• Viking's Exotic Resort — Got an extra $3,900 laying around? Spend four days and three nights in the Caribbean with an escort at your side. From the FAQ: "For most of our clients it's a whole new sexual experience, but remember this is much more then just a sexual service, you will be sleeping with your girl, waking up with your girl, having breakfast, enjoying activities etc." And ... "We have 7-8 international girls at our resort, daily changes of your companions are always possible within our program at no extra charge." Not safe for work, but quite interesting.

• My Secret Life as a Prostitute — Generally a more interesting read than chicks who just bitch about the coffee at their workplace.

• 22 Questions With Nikki Sixx — I'm currently reading that Motley Crue tell-all book that came out a couple of years ago. So I did a web search on Nikki Sixx, who grew up druggin' and thuggin'. And, wouldn't you know it, this lame interview reads like it was conducted with a guy who has half a brain left.

• World Star Gazette An e-zine that features some of the best blog entries of the day. A certain post about Ann Romano of One Day at a Time made it on Tuesday's front page.