You read the title, right? I don't have to write an intro, right? Good.
10. Phil Rizzuto, Yankees Announcer: Yeah, he spent too much time wishing happy birthdays and lauding New Jersey bakeries, but back in 1989 that was more interesting than what was going on with Mike Blowers, Wayne Tolleson and Don Slaught. The coolest thing about the Scooter, though, was that his catch phrase, "holy cow!" was genuine. Watch a replay of Ron Guidry's 18-strikeout game sometime on YES (it's on about every six hours). With around 215 holy cows, it's perhaps Rizzuto's finest "homer" performance. You know it was a great game, too, because the Scooter didn't bolt in the seventh inning to beat the traffic.
9. Tony Little, Not-Too-Masculine Exercise-Machine Pimp: It's technique! Such sage advice that's applicable to many aspects of life. Like how you rush into a restaurant to beat another approaching party to the hostess. How you dart out of a porno shop with that unmarked, brown paper bag under your arm, pretending like you just left the mobile-phone shop next door. How you party in October after your team wins a World Series (obviously not applicable to Boston readers).
8. Bobby Fletcher, Gaseous Crank Yanker: A real charmer, Jim Florentine's character gets my nod as the best in show, just ahead of Jimmy Kimmel's Elmer Higgins. Fletcher, after all, is my AOL IM buddy icon, double beer hat and all. All that's missing is audio of a couple of belches and a suggestion to "look in the book, you fat slob."
7. The Fonz, Freeloading Stud: Free music on the juke. Free food at Arnold's. Chicks by the pairs. This guy never paid for shit, never had women bothering him on the phone and struck fear in bikers who outsized him by half. You know that perv Mr. C. had a hidden camera up in that apartment, too.
6. Bob Uecker, Beer Hawker: Whoever complained when a commercial starring Uke came on? What has a .200 batting average and is red all over? Uecker in a Krylon spray paint spot. And he, along with other athletic icons, helped break down the stereotype that light beer is for pansies. Famous quotes: "Career highlights? I had two. I got an intentional walk from Sandy Koufax and I got out of a rundown against the Mets."
5. Mel Sharples, Culinary King: He ran my choice as top TV diner in the food capital of the world, Phoenix, Ariz. He was gruff and not all that vigilant against grease, but I saw him as a saint. He should be rewarded for not killing Henry, who spent like $1.20 a day on lukewarm coffee and a stale donut and complained like a whiny bitch at Spago.
4. George Jefferson, Czar of Stain Removal: As many know, I consider him TV's greatest head of household. He'd knock you out with an uppercut, remove lipstick stains from that affair with the chick in the adjacent office, and slam a door in your face if you're a weasely doorman.
3. Tawny Kitaen, Whitesnake Groupie: She rolled around on that Jaguar, back when MTV showed music videos. (Who's gonna come out with the song Reality TV Killed the Video Star?) More than enough to warrant placement on this list.
2. Cosmo Kramer: You know he's one cool cat when you're still friends with a guy after he fucks up your car with melted pizza under the hood, punches Mickey Mantle at fantasy camp, makes a salad in the shower, sleeps in your bed when Kenny Rogers' Roasters moves into town, insists that you eat Lloyd Braun's Chinese gum, drives a truckload of recyclables to Michigan, and gets fired from a company at which he was never hired.
1. Andrew "Squiggy" Squigman: And you thought I'd have only one leather-jacket-wearing Milwaukee guy with a weird name on this list? Nope. Taking the top spot is the backbone of Lenny and the Squigtones, whose music rates as perhaps the finest cultural contribution of the '70s, outside of Daisy Duke's shorts.
Shit, I forgot Schneider. Guess I'll have to do a list on chain-smoking janitors who let themselves into apartments with two teenage girls running around.
Great list, but I have two issues - first, you have to give Kramer the nod over Squiggy. As far as potentially insane neighbors who let themselves into your apartment seemingly at will, go - Kramer was in a class by himself . . . plus he worked alone. That alone should give him the edge.
And, of course, you forgot one of the greatest sidekicks ever - Milhouse Van Houten. I am convinced he is the glue that holds The Simpsons together. I'm also writing this on about 6 hours of total sleep since Friday, but I digress . . .
Still, a fine job regardless.
Posted by Rob at June 21, 2004 9:37 AM