You're suitable for neither Olsen twin.

You're either a sleazeball, or you're just really boring. Sorry, the test doesn't lie. Well, better luck next time. Maybe you'd be better off trying to figure out which Hilton sister is the right match for you. We're working on www.ParisorNikki.com right now.

In the meantime you can get your Paris Hilton fix watching "The Simple Life."

Well, excuuuuuuuse me! I can handle the "sleazeball" tag. I know it's not true; it's not like I watched Mary-Kate and Ashley in Action! (2001). But too boring for the Olsen twins? That's like being too dumb to have a conversation with Manny Ramirez, too conservative for Ann Coulter and too perverted for Annabel Chong. I really can't see the Olsen twins hanging out with a dude and thinking, "This guy's a dud. Let's get out of here and play with our make-up."

On the good side, it appears I'm more of a perfect match for a Hilton sister. Not that Pairs doesn't make me retch every time I see her, but Nikki has promise. I wonder if she likes White Castles cheese fries or simply the plain ones.

Other Web Finds:

• How Grammatically Sounds Are You? — Test your knowledge of the English language. My result was "master," so if you combine with the quiz above, I'm a masterful, boring sleazeball. (Link found on Living Reflections)

• eBay Find: Cooking in the Nude — Semen as an Ingredient — Bidding has ended (at $30!) for a book that contains real recipes that call for a tablespoon of semen. Sure beats some chick knocking on your door for a cup of sugar.

• Penis Owners Instruction Manual — I'm not sure how accurate this info is. The average length of an erect penis is 5.1 inches? The average volume of ejaculate is 0.5 to 1 teaspoon? The farthest medically recorded ejaculation is 11.7 inches? All seem pretty low. Maybe you chicks out there can comment anonymously, since you'd know more than me.

• Maxim Gallery: Paintball Girls — A pictorial of hot chicks who are the "brightest — and hottest — young stars of the burgeoning professional paintball circuit." Here's a Paintball.com article on one of the broads. I've had only one paintball experience, a company outing, and it was pretty fun, except for taking a shot from close range that hit only a few inches from my manhood. Apart from getting to shoot up annoying co-workers and bosses, though, I don't have much of a desire to return. Maybe a Yanks vs. Sox fans outing would be fun. I'd go Rambo on those Massholes. The facemasks would at least muzzle their incessant whining.

• Game: Playboy Breakout — A twist on the classic video game, in which a picture of naked woman is revealed. And if you think it takes three minutes to view a picture of a naked woman online, you're obviously an idiot.