I don't know why kids say they want to be police officers and teachers when they grow up. Who looks forward to being sprayed with bullets and spitballs? Clearly, the three best professions in America are far more prestigious and lucrative. I just can't decide which is best. Perhaps you can help with a comment:
Sports Star
Pros: The only profession where champions are rewarded with parades, as if they're war heroes. Invaded Normandy? Hit a big Game 6 home run? Same thing!... Decades after your greatest feat, middle-aged men will run over kids to get your autograph... Via endorsement contracts, you're viewed as an expert on all fluids. Is there a major athlete out there who doesn't pimp some kind of soda or energy drink?
Cons: Short career span. And guys like Ray Lewis are looking to make it shorter on every snap... Having to listen to Joe From Queens — a guy who thinks nothing of waiting on hold for 30 minutes to get 30 seconds of air time on a sports talk radio show — critique your value in a multi-billion-dollar industry... Having to keep in shape in the offseason when there are all those strip clubs to visit... Nothing is scripted. Can't run another take after missing that 47-yeard field goal in Super Bowl XXV.
Rock Star
Pros: Instead of being vilified for drinking, drugging and screwing around, you're celebrated for it... Looks apparently don't matter to women. Have you taken a peek at Gene Simmons, Nikki Sixx and Rick Ocasek lately? Compare them to Shannon Tweed, Donna D'Errico and Paulina Porizkova. Now that's trading up... The riders. Whatever you want — red M&M's, lobster cocktail on ice, 20 cases of Budweiser — you get. Who's gonna fuck with your drug-fueled idiosyncracies?
Cons: Short life expectancy. And even when you're alive, you might look dead... Those dastardly kids who download music, limiting your income to windfall from $100 concert ticket prices... People saying you suck when they'd brag to their friends for years on end if you played their birthday party... Cocaine isn't a great financial investment.
Hollywood Celebrity
Pros: The most you'll ever be asked to do is act. Or maybe something as strenuous as reciting the nominees for Best Supporting Actress... No one cares what's between your ears. The hardest question you'll ever be asked is, What's it like to work with Ben Stiller?... Dearth of quality original programming means plenty of residuals from your work portraying Cliff Claven.
Cons: Fans will always identify you with your characters. Hey look, there's Tim Robbins! He crawled through a pipe of shit in The Shawshank Redemption!... Can't leave the house without paparazzi looking for that exclusive shot of you starting up your car... Losing auditions to the chick in the micro-mini-skirt... Having to live in L.A.
The fact that I'm lazy and probably not the most attractive guy out there, I'd have to go for the Rock Star. I like M&M's and Budweiser too so that's a huge plus.
Posted by West at May 26, 2004 3:01 AM