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Monday, April 12, 2004

Three TV Shows Adult Males Can No Longer Watch
When Catherine Bach (born March 1, 1954) portrayed the lovely fashion pioneer Daisy Duke on The Dukes of Hazzard, she was 24 years old. It was perfectly natural for men of any age to think impure thoughts of an evening with Ms. Duke. You can still do it today while watching re-runs. No so with the three shows I detail below, each of which featured a teen gal who was of similar age to me. As an adolescent, I would dream about taking these girls on a Karate Kid-like date to Golf 'n' Stuff. But now, after the B movies and FHM photoshoots and those glorious indecent pictures on Google Images Search, watching those re-runs is just creepy, considering the girls' ages at the time. Let's review:

CHARLES IN CHARGE
Too-Young Actress: Nicole Eggert as Jamie Powell
Birth Date: Jan. 13, 1972
Her Show Debut: 1987
The Skinny: Probably the most attractive too-young actress of all time. There was no debate about whether she would grow up hot. She was hot. I didn't envision her dating high school boys or even college guys. More like Wall Street types with an affinity for such unlawful acts as insider trading, coke dealing and dating 15-year-olds. Off the screen — presumably when of age — she was romantically linked to the show's star, Scott Baio, reducing the number of women who've never been in the sack with Chachi to three.
Best Work Since: Sugar Ray's CD cover of Lemonade and Brownies | Stuff Photoshoot | And the kicker ... the 1992 flick Blown Away, when she was naked all over the place as a 20-year-old and had sex on screen with both Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!

WHO'S THE BOSS
Too-Young Actress Alyssa Milano as Samantha Micelli
Birth Date: Dec. 19, 1972
Her Show Debut: 1984
The Skinny: I was only 11 at the time, so I don't think I thought of Alyssa as anything more than someone I'd really like to play video games with. As opposed to now, when she's someone I'd really like to make home videos with. They made her a tomboy on the show — someone had to play the role of male child, as Danny Pintauro certainly couldn't — but there was no doubt she would overcome that Teen Steam disaster and turn into a legitimate sexpot.
Best Work Since: Stuff Photoshoot | Another Stuff Photoshoot | FHM Photoshoot. And the kicker ... take your pick: Embrace of the Vampire, Poison Ivy 2, those paparazzi topless beach pics. Let's see Judith Light top that. (On second thought, let's not.)

SAVED BY THE BELL
Too-Young Actress Tiffany Amber Thiessen as Kelly Kapowski
Birth Date: Jan. 23, 1974
Her Show Debut: 1989
The Skinny: Have you ever met a Tiffany or an Amber who wasn't hot? What a combo. I wonder if she would've turned out as well if her parents had named her Gertrude. Anyway, I would have never told a Polish joke in front of Ms. Kapowski. OK, maybe something about a Polish sausage. Remember Kelly's evolution from perky but not-quite-filled-out high school girl on Saved By the Bell to 19-year-old sex kitten on Saved By the Bell: The College Years? It happened to coincide with my college years and I can assure you all my housemates remember. We sure as shit didn't tune in for Zach.
Best Work Since: FHM Photoshoot | And the kicker ... those see-thru pics that came out around the dawn of the Internet and helped make it the invaluable information, commerce and T&A tool that it is today.

And for comment fodder, here are some more TV daughters you guys — though not necessarily me — may have been enamored with when you were both teens. (I stress both. I don't want to hear stories from 40-year-olds who are still watching One Day at a Time.) Valerie Bertinelli, Christina Applegate, Justine Bateman, Lisa Welchel, Jennie Garth, etc. As for you chicks, post your shit on Scott Baio, but make it quick.

Category: Deep Thoughts | Permalink | Post a Comment (18)


Comments: Three TV Shows Adult Males Can No Longer Watch

Paul --

Strangely enough, I have seen Judith Light top that. My wife and I went to see "Wit" in 2000, but we didn't realize that the original actress, Kathleen Chalfant -- who won numerous awards for it -- was no longer with the show.

Enter Judith Light.

Well, the play is about a professor with cancer, and as you can guess, she dies, being this is a play not a movie. But at the end of the play, to show that death leaves you alone and naked, the actress playing the professor strips to nothing and stands in a glaring spotlight.

Well, yes, I was eighth row center and there was Judith Light in the light, naked as the day she was born. Not partially, totally.

I sarcastically say: "Good times, good times."

Maybe Alyssa should think of doing "Wit."

Posted by Rob at April 12, 2004 10:45 AM

I just found a webpage dedicated to Judith Light's performance in "Wit." The lead pic is of her shaved bald. On her head, people. On her head.

http://www.safesearching.com/judithlight/features/wit_reviews.shtml

Posted by Paul Katcher at April 12, 2004 10:51 AM

I just say Milano on TV the other night. I was watching the Marlins vs Phillies and apparently she is dating Carl Pavano. Carl Pavano, according to his talent level should be dating Tina Youthers, not Alyssa Milano. A guy like Beckett should be dating Milano. Even mediocre starting pitchers score some pretty nice tail.

Posted by Jim Gannon at April 12, 2004 1:49 PM

Oh, I forgot about they were together. Made the World Series even worse.

A pic of them together:
http://www.thedemonsjumble.com/pics/Alyssa/alyssa-2003-carl-pavano.jpg

Posted by Paul Katcher at April 12, 2004 2:46 PM

Beside the Olsen twins (who are millionaires for some reason that evades me) and Drew Barrymore, are there any other child actors who went on to have any films to their credit other then mug shots or straight to video?

BTW Nicole Eggert starred in a robo-cop type movie of no renoun (dont remember the title.)

I have seen Charmed and it is not the worst WB series, in fact it must be into a 5th or a 6th year run by now.

Tiffany Amber Thiessen might as well have her picture on a milk carton.

And FYI the other girl from SBTB is on broadway in Sly Fox, and I've heard she isn't half bad.

Posted by Pat at April 12, 2004 4:44 PM

BTW

IMO the greatest TV hotties were

Lynda Carter, Loni Anderson, Julie Newmar, Farrah, Carol Wayne (she used to work the Tonight Show,) and none of them were built like 15 year olds.

Maybe two or three 15 year olds squeezed together.

;)

Posted by Pat at April 12, 2004 4:57 PM

Looks like it's the other SBTB hottie, Elizabeth Berkely, who's in Sly Fox Don't know if it's worth checking out at $70 and $90 a ticket.

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/thr/reviews/review_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1000478179

Those girls like Lynda Carter are in another category. It's still safe to watch those re-runs today. Catherine Bach takes the cake there.

Posted by Paul Katcher at April 12, 2004 6:52 PM

speaking of Loni, and her ever-present high beams.I always had a crush on the mousey girl in the studio...i think her name was jan. she eventually married James Brolin. and we all know who he married next..... BABS

Posted by Grant at April 12, 2004 11:39 PM

Okay, I will admit it. I would do Scott Baio. Again.

Posted by PeeWee at April 13, 2004 12:03 AM

i'll give you tiffany and amber, but is there a chick out there named ashley thats not hot either?

Posted by scott at April 13, 2004 3:07 AM

How Scott Baio ever became the most sought after man by hot starlets and playmates will always astound me. He is untalented, unattractive and hasn't worked since the early 80's. Joanie loves Crotchy was the worse show in the history of tv.

I met Alyssa Milano once. She is even prettier in person, and very nice.

Posted by Cass at April 13, 2004 8:28 AM

What, no Shirley Hemphill from "What's Happening"?

Posted by Jeff at April 13, 2004 12:25 PM

Yes, the woman from WKRP in Cincinnati besides Loni Anderson was named Jan Smithers. And yes, she was very hot, but the producers wanted Loni to have the rep as the hot chick on the show, so they made her wear glasses until the last couple of years.

Posted by James at April 13, 2004 5:14 PM

I was an adolescent when Baio was on the cover of Tiger Beat. He and Leif Garrett -- who, if you ask me, was and is just butt ugly -- were competing for top teen idol at the time [good gawd, this sooooo dates me].

[Donny Osmond was the cutest, btw, but he was too old for me.]

I had Scott Baio pictures all over my room. He was very cute, from a twelve-year-old girl's perspective. I think he's okay looking now, so I don't get what all the fuss is over him or how he ends up with so many beautiful women. I mean, he's a B-level "star" all the way, so it can't be his Hollywood connections, can it? The money? There are lots of better looking guys with more.

He must just be great in the sack.

[Sorry, was that comment too long?]

Posted by bhw at April 14, 2004 9:00 AM

Jan Smithers was indeed hot. Here's proof. (This page contains a link to a geocities page, which has some lovely and wholesome pictures of beautiful Jan. Sadly, we're not allowed to post links directly to geocities pages here, even though this one is clean.)

Posted by DV at August 5, 2004 2:56 AM

Oh, and Lynda Carter wasn't bad either. Beautiful and sexy without being slutty. I like.

Posted by DV at August 5, 2004 2:59 AM

Blown Away is Eggerts second hottest film.Her hottest is on a shelf gathering dust.Not only is she nude three times more its the way she gets nude.Nicole plays a stripper who is talked into becoming a hooker.She ends up killing a guy that mistreated her.Shes caught and goes to jail.Cute little Nicole in jail.Strip search,group shower,guards getting her nude,inmates getting her nude.The best NC-17 movie made and we will never see it.It was filmed in 1995.

Posted by ken at September 8, 2004 3:36 PM

I agree about Nicole Eggert, but I never understood Alyssa's appeal. Maybe it's just me.

Tiffani-Amber was quite stunning in her early years, but for some reason, I feel that she's lost some of her appeal.

Posted by Erg at October 7, 2004 8:07 PM
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