I've yet to meet Dave in person, but I've seen his name in lights — on the screen of a cash register at American Trash, the Upper East Side biker joint. Any old fool can earn a nameplate on the spot at the bar where he drank himself to death, but how many customers' tabs are programmed right into the permanent register display, right next to "domestic bottle" and "premium shot?"

And how many of them could pump out songs like My Little Rugburns, You're Pretty Sick for a Mother of Two, You Need Dick and I'm a Pain in Your Ass? Straight-up hard rock, AC/DC-like riffs with Al Goldstein-like lyrics. Order a free copy of The Day After You, and you'll be blown away. Unless you've got no sack and hang out in bars that play '80s pop and other crap that panders to women, while making guys' ears bleed.

Here's a sampling of Tequila Dave's lyrical wizardry.

From Pushing 38 (download .mp3):

Now I'm pushin 38, the shit still sounds great
Rock 'n' roll might've took my soul
But your fat, white ass took all my drugs and cash, oh yeah

From Cumming on You:

$5.95 for a book with your picture
$5.95 for a picture of you
$5.95 my dreams come so cheaply
Next thing you know babe
I'm cumming on you

From I Gotta Bang Her (download .mp3):

She got one thing I have to admit I never was expecting
A clean apartment, her dishes done, I’m heading in the right direction
She got no roommate, no animal that I see
If I can win her it’ll only be me
So if there’s one thing I gotta do

I gotta bang her

From Do-Able Mommies:

She’s well kept, rich, the kid even looks clean
She’s hot, white, a mommy sex machine
Turning me on the way she hands out the snacks
She got the ring already
I’m in love; somebody help me

I’m hanging in the playground checking out the do-able mommies

Is anyone else smelling Grammy? I think we know exactly who's playing at my next birthday party. And next time I'm at American Trash, I'm breaking jukebox protocol and playing both albums straight. And hopefully this time, some whacked-out crackhead chick won't be sitting next to me.

Also do yourself a favor and poke around all of Tequila Dave's website, which includes bios of the band members ("Tequila Dave has over 28 years experience in the consumption of drugs and alcohol"), some scary-ass photos and a history of favorite sexual positions of the wives and famous girlfriends of Harpoontang (some of whom have not even died).

Hey, Dave, send me the guitar chords to this stuff so I can start practicing Do-Able Mommies and jam with you guys.

In Five Words or Less: Long live rock!