In anticipation of Sunday night's 2004 Oscars ceremony — which I will not watch, as I continue to protest the Motion Picture Academy's snub of Hamburger: The Motion Picture in 1986 — I present the winners based on your voting (and my over-ruling if I felt like it).

And the all-time Oscar go to...

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Randy Quaid, National Lampoon's Vacation — It's Cousin Eddie in a runaway, defeating the likes of NBA-superstar-turned-pilot Roger Murdock and Yankees slugger Clew Haywood. Listen to Eddie's thoughts on Hamburger Helper and more at this Vacation sounds page.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Christie Brinkley, National Lampoon's Vacation — Another landslide victory for the film, and perhaps an upset considering Brinkley didn't get naked for the part. What the hell were those producers thinking?

BEST ORIGINAL SONG
Gonna Fly Now, Rocky — Even listening to it in a cheesy MIDI format makes me wanna beat somebody senseless and make millions of dollars doing it. Anyone got Ben Affleck's number?

BEST ACTOR
Eddie Murphy, Coming to America — This phony Oscars is a bunch of garbage. And who do you think of when you think of garbage? That's right, Akeem! Murphy wins big for showing us just how funny he was (is?) at his best.

BEST ACTRESS
Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct — The voting wasn't even close. Obviously, the panel is partial to crotch shots. Has the title of the movie ever been explained? Or is it just assumed that a basic instinct is to whack off to this flick?

BEST MOTION PICTURE
Hamburger: The Motion Picture — Boy, it sure looks like Fast Times at Ridgemont High got more votes, but the accounting firm of Pedro, Manny & Other Boston Dopes have ruled that zero is more than many. And so I am pleased to announce that my favorite movie of all time — porn or not! — wins. This movie had it all: a Hall of Fame linebacker wielding a spatula and tossing out insults like "ketchup crotch," a pickle torture chamber, a sexpot named Mrs. Vunk and a fat dude named Prestopopnick. Don't let the 3.2/10 rating on IMDB.com fool you. That is a slander campaign led by the nation's largest vegetarian group that apparently doesn't appreciate gratuitous nudity. Instead read the IMDB.com user reviews — written by true fans of fast-food-college films — including mine toward the bottom of the page.