Nominations have been released for the 76th annual Academy Awards (to be telecast Sunday, Feb. 29), and once again I have seen absolutely none of the movies mentioned. But that does not mean I don't know my cinematic history.
From now until Friday, Feb. 27, when I will announce the winners, I am asking you to cast your votes in the comments area for the PK.com all-time Oscars. Your categories and nominations are as follows:
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
• Kareen Abdul-Jabbar, Airplane! — You tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.
• John Cazale, The Godfather Part II — May have played the only character in the trilogy with a heart, and still Fredo tried to kill his brother. I knew it was him.
• Billy Jayne, Just One of the Guys — Remember when Buddy offered to "do the dishes" and simply knocked the pizza crumbs off the plate into the garbage? I adopted that technique for years.
• Randy Quaid, National Lampoon's Vacation — Eddie made real tomato ketchup and gave some great gifts, like white shoes for Clark and French kisses for his daughter.
• Pete Vuckovich, Major League — Portraying Yankees slugger Clew Haywood, the former real-life Milwaukee Brewers pitcher hit one to South America. Which is how it should be with the Yankees.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
• Renee Blaine, The Shawshank Redemption — One of the few women with bit parts in a great movie, she had the best role: getting shot in the sack as Andy Dufresne's cheating wife.
• Christie Brinkley, National Lampoon's Vacation — May be the hottest celebrity who never took her clothes off for a movie role or Playboy.
• Randi Brooks, Hamburger: The Motion Picture — Played the ravishing Mrs. Vunk, who had an affinity for spicy chicken balls.
• Cindy Morgan, Caddyshack — I was born to love Lacey Underall. I was born to lick Lacey Underall's face. I was born to rub Lacey Underall. But Lacey Underall was born to rub me first.
• Vickie Reigle, The Cannonball Run — Jamie Farr was so mezmerized by this waitress on roller skates that he ordered two milks. Twenty-two years later, I'm still making jokes like that in restaurants.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG
• Gonna Fly Now, Rocky — Try playing this shit on your iPod when on a treadmill. It's great.
• Nerds Rap, Revenge of the Nerds — Poindexter was on the violin. Louis and Gilbert joined in. We thought we'd seen it all. Then came a Lambda four foot tall!
• Rainbow Connection, The Muppet Movie — No one crooned with a banjo quite like Kermit the Frog. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me.
• Shama Lama Ding Dong, Animal House — It put the ooh mou mou, oh oh oh oh back into my smile, child!
• You're the Best Around, The Karate Kid — So what if it's the cheesiest song ever sung by someone other than Survivor. You got a problem with that, Mr. Lawrence?
BEST ACTOR
• Dick Butkus, Hamburger: The Motion Picture — As Drill Sgt. Ben Drewton, Butkus delivered perhaps the finest acting performance ever by a former Chicago Bears middle linebacker.
• Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School — Taught us all what college is about: hot tubs, macking professors and preferential treatment toward the wealthy.
• Matt Dillon, The Outsiders — No one starts a rumble without him. We're gonna do it for Johnny, man. We're gonna do it for Johnny!
• Eddie Murphy, Coming to America — For his quadruple performance of Prince Akeem, Clarence, Saul and Randy Watson (Jackson Heights' own, whom you may know as Joe the Policeman from the "What's Going Down?" episode of That's My Mama)
• Christopher Walken, The Deer Hunter — I think I crapped my pants the first time I saw the POW Russian Roulette scene.
BEST ACTRESS
• Paris Hilton, The Paris Hilton Sex Video — Her portrayal of a young, rich woman who really didn't know how to handle Mr. Jackhammer's equipment ignited an Internet search frenzy.
• Aylssa Milano, Embrace of the Vampire — I haven't seen the whole movie, but I have caught some parts — the good parts — on the Internet.
• Julia Montgomery, Revenge of the Nerds — Betty Childs of the Pi-Delta-Pi sorority made me really, really look forward to attending college.
• Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct — I love a woman who is not afraid to take charge. I could do without the ice pick, though.
• Shannon Tweed, Hot Dog... The Movie — I was about 15 when I was watching HBO late one night and she said, "First, we're gonna take our clothes off, and then we're gonna fuck." Well, I don't have to tell you that the next day I demanded that my parents cancel our cable subscription and get that smut of of our home.
BEST MOTION PICTURE
• Back to School — Not even a dreadful performance by Keith Gordon as Jason Melon could keep this off any list of all-time classics. Was Ralph Macchio busy or something?
• Dumb & Dumber — The odds of this winning Best Motion Picture are one in a million. So I'm saying it has a chance.
• Fast Times at Ridgemont High — The fact that Robert Romanus, who played Mike Damone, isn't among the nominees for Best Supporting Actor shows how strong that category is.
• Hamburger: The Motion Picture — There have been other rauchy comedies about fast-food colleges, but this one was definitely the best.
• Revenge of the Nerds — Booger, Ogre, Takashi, Wormser ... and Ted McGinley! What didn't this movie have?
How in the world does one chooses between the Nerds Rap and Shama Lama Ding Dong?
And how could you not include Courtney Thorne-Smith for Best Supporting Actress in Summer School? Or Kelly Le Brock in Weird Science? Or Jon Gries (Lazlo Hollyfeld) in Real Genius? Or Bob Uecker in Major League: "Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant."
Everyone's a critic.... ;-)
Posted by lucy at February 1, 2004 8:34 AM