Beginning at 9 p.m. Eastern, when Dubya commences his recap of what everyone knows — the whole world hates us — you (the drunk) are expected to swig once for each mention of “men and women in/of our armed forces” (adding one each time the phrase is preceded by "brave"), twice for any reference to "bipartisan" or "bipartisanship" (could probably add "fantasy" to that one) and three times for every instance of the word "deficit." Might as well add "rimjob" to that last one. Each has the same chance of being spoken of.

FOXNews.com, Bush's other official re-election site, has an interesting article on how "Lobbyists Await Mention in State of Union Address." I imagine being a Washington lobbyist is like being an L.A. talent agent, only with less sincerety. Good luck to the American Bankers Association in getting Bush to discuss the importance of savings accounts. Seems like a worthwhile cause, what with that job market kicking ass and the tons of money people have flowing out of cookie jars.

C-SPAN's website has transcripts of every State of the Union Address since Harry S. Truman delivered his in 1945, a day after Franklin Delano Roosevelt was laid to rest. Harry said, "The armies of liberation today are bringing to an end Hitler's ghastly threat to dominate the world. Tokyo rocks under the weight of our bombs." Those were heavy times, man. Especially if you were Nazi-groupie Eva Braun, seeing your sexy man Hitler's reign come to an end. Must've done wonders for their sex lives.

Enjoy the speech, everyone! Wake me when it's over!

Other Web Finds:

• 100 Most Often Misspelled Words — I thought it was hilarious around the turn of the millennium, when like nobody knew there were two n's in it. The words I have difficulty with now are Manny and Ramirez. I keep spelling them a-s-s-h-o-l-e.

• Photos of Ft. Lauderdale's Trapeze Club for Swingers — Ever wanted to see what's on the buffet in one of these places? Now's your chance!

• Stuff's 39th and Sixth Winners — Five regional winners live their dreams — to add to the world's online masturbation material.

• Website Mixmaster — Choose any two websites, one for content and one for layout, and see the Reese's peanut butter-cup like results. You got your al-Jazeera in my Onion!

• Buy Tickets to Playboy's Super Bowl Party — Only $2,000, and you get to watch the Panthers! I hear Wilt Chamberlain scored an NBA record 534 "points" at just 10 of these.

• Porn Star Selena Silver's "Adult Jobs I Want" Page — A detailed "services offered" page delightfully broken out into such sections as "Sex Acts I Do," "Pre-Shoot Requirements" and "My Rates." According to the rate card, there's a $200 premium on anal. Which, according to Andy Dick, is the going rate.