I've never so looked forward to the release of an album I have no interest
in buying. In fact, I could be deaf and still fully appreciate Britney
Spears, whose latest pop creation, In the Zone, hits shelves Tuesday.
Because with Britney, album releases come with official websites
depicting her in boy shorts and an unzipped leather jacket, Esquire covers featuring her half-exposed ass, and
interviews in People in which she justifies her acts of self-love. Which is only fair,
since she has done more to promote masturbation than anyone since Hugh
Hefner.
She has long been the web's foremost expert on semiconductor physics, she has
posed wearing only pearls and panties and shared her
all-over tan on the covers of both Rolling Stone and British Elle.
So much is going on in this woman's life. Half-naked here, three-quarters
naked there. Someone at Playboy has got to have the contract already
drawn up. On Jimmy Kimmel Live last Thursday, Britney said she enjoys
the "chaoticness" of her life. I like to call such condition of disorder
"chaos," but whatever. English teachers never did it for me anyway. Maybe
she'll make up another word Monday night on the Tonight Show With Jay
Leno.
Looking back at last week's Paris Hilton frenzy (and even I'm sick of it),
you
have to be amazed at the hoopla over a socialite who relatively few people
recognized well enough to identify, with certainty, in the clip. (Relative,
that is,
to the 99% of America who saw the clip and now consider her to oral sex what
Al Gore is to rave parties.) Could
you imagine what would happen if an amateur porn video starring Britney
Spears surfaced? You'd see smoke coming out of every office in America,
college classrooms would be as empty as Shea Stadium in October, and its
viewership would make Titanic look like an underground indie
flick. Only a Hillary Clinton video could come close to receiving such
attention.
Switchboard.com even hosts this profile page for Britney
Spears of Kentwood, Louisiana, but I don't know if Britney checks her
Yahoo! mail too often. You might not get a reply, but I bet you'd get on a
lot of spam lists.
Other Web Finds:
• The Greatest Album Covers That Never Were — An awesome
collection of artistry. Examples: KISS, Led
Zeppelin, Bruce Springsteen. Sorry, no Britney Spears.
• Template
Monster — Too lazy to build to build your own online shrine to Ms.
Spears? Check out this site's wealth of attractive templates available for
purchase at reasonable prices. Example: This personal page template can
be had for $28. Sure beats a lot of the ugly sites out there.
• Bud Light's Odes to Great
Men — Multimedia clips of the beer company's tributes to such
personalities as Mr. Beach Metal Detector Guy, Mr. Giant Taco Salad Inventor
and Mr. Fancy Coffee Shop Coffee Pourer.
• Bridger Mountain Man Coyote Fur
Hat — Strap a dead animal on your head and look like a fool,
all for the low, low price of $199. (Found on Gawker.)
My Bengals knocked off the Chiefs and
are now in first place, and you talk
about some skinny bleached blond with
no ass!
So she was on Kimmel. Toby Keith was
on both Leno and Kimmel last week.
Now if you wrote about Halle Berry,
Posted by Eddie at November 17, 2003 6:28 AMbizarre as she may be, then I would
excuse you!