After logging into the online lobby, I ducked into the Beginner Room, sure to be populated with novices like me, whose idea of a close game against the computer is the 1993 Cowboys against the Barcelona Dragons. On display were not only the fellow gamers' screen names but their connection speed, "quit" rate, ratio of rushing to passing yards and, most important to me, record. I wasn't about to challenge anyone sporting a 65-10 mark.

Being a newbie, I targeted another virgin to challenge: TheCremator4. His screen name's association with death didn't frighten me as much as the fact that three other people already registered TheCremator. My screen name is "Paul Katcher," which I believe you can add to your PS2 online buddy list and challenge me to a game any time you're in the mood to set scoring records.

The connection between me and TheCremator4 failed, but my disappointment faded when I zeroed in on a guy — and I can say with almost certainty that all these people are guys — with a 0-1 record. Better still, his final score was 115-6. I was already planning my touchdown dance. Alas, our connection failed, too. Finally, I challenged another member who had yet to play online. I didn't know at the time that he'd played 1,000 games offline.

He suited up the Titans, while I hosted with my beloved Giants, they of the special teams that play like the Special Olympics. Things got off to a decent start as, after a stalled drive, my punt buried him at his 5-yard line. On the next play, his first on offense, he completed a 30-yard pass along the right sideline. That was the best thing that happened to me.

Folks, it was ugly: three INTs for Kerry Collins, six TDs for Steve McNair, one offense that could do nothing (mine) and one that couldn't be stopped (him). When I lined up for that 47-yard field goal with 0:03 left in the game, however, I was ready to celebrate. Oh, it wouldn't have meant victory in the traditional sense, but I would have been thrilled to get a final jab against my opponent, who tiptoed the end zone horizontally many times.

Wide left. 70-0.

Better Luck With Golf? Before popping in Madden, I tried out the online version of Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004, a game in which I'd classify myself as "expert." No need for beginner rooms there. This time, I was challenged by someone looking for a match play game, back nine only at Bethpage Black. He hit his shots like his backyard is Bethpage Black. I lost, 3 and 1, a pitiful score for nine holes.

In Five Words of Less: Bring 'A' Game or Lose