When I retrieved the current issue of FHM out of my mailbox, I nearly dropped to my knees. There she was in all her bronzed glory, the best thing to come out of Wycoff, N.J., Tara Reid, one of my Top 5 favorite babes of all time (trailing Alyssa Milano, Nicole Eggert, Liz Hurley and Heidi Klum).
I'm trying to think where this ranks among my favorite magazine covers of all time, but I'm not ESPN.com's Sports Guy, who remembers every fucking thing that he's ever seen. Off the top of my head, the three coolest magazine covers in my possession are Michael Jordan's first Sporting News, Larry Bird's first Sports Illustrated and Magic Johnson's first Sports Illustrated. Love the concept covers. Now everything's an action shot. But I digress.
Back to Tara Reid's breasts. I figured that FHM would not waste such a cover if only crappy content resided inside. Let's see if I was right:
Page 32 - Letters: — Kyle Boorstyn from Atlanta writes in to bitch at FHM for not giving enough credit to mailroom workers. "It's a tough job," he says. (I'll write something after I get done laughing.)
Page 32 - More Letters: — Joe Margiottiello of Brooklyn sends in a picture of a large tattoo he got of December 2002 lingerie model Vida. Dude, wait till you see the December 2003 issue!
Page 48 - Hometown Honey: — Looking hot and somewhat store-bought in her sky-blue bikini, Olivia Wellington of Miami, Fla., brags on South Beach's Fourth Street Beach as the place where "we can sunbathe topless." There and the rest of the damn beach. That's why I call it the World's Largest Outdoor Free-Admission Strip Club. But seriously, the guys with video cameras are too skeevy for even my tastes.
Page 58 - Ask Jenna and Isaac: — A best man in Virginia asks advice after the groom-to-be's fiancé has forbidden strippers from the bachelor party. Ted Lange says get strippers anyway. Jenna Jameson says go for hookers.
Page 58 - 100 Women Can't Be Wrong: — Eighteen out of 100 women would have sex with John Madden for $1 million dollars. I will now take a 10-minute break to vomit.
Page 84 - Simeon Rice Interview: — The Buccaneers DE says that he is "definitely not freeballing" on the field because his "nuts are precious." I read in Tim Green's The Dark Side of the Game that NFL players abandon jockstraps to save speed. He later affirmed that in an interview with me.
Page 114 - 20 Best Places to Be on Football Gameday: — Seeing LSU's Tiger Stadium at No. 8 reminds me of a great quote an opposing coach once made about playing night games there. The toughest part, he said, was not being able to see the whiskey bottles flying at you.
Page 128 - Tara Reid Photo Spread: — Eight pages of T&A.
Page 136 - George Maloof, Jr. Interview: — The owner of the Palms casino and Sacramento Kings says NBA players stay at his place. He also says the place makes six figures a month off ATM fees and that Suge Knight was a helluva college football teammate at UNLV.
Page 169 - Ultimate Sunday Gadgets: — Bushnell's Image View binoculars feature 10x magnification and can take up to 80 digital pics. This product is reviewed under the guise of a "sports fan's" gadget.
Page 169 - Bobby Abreu's Workout: — Ham-and-eggers see David Wells and think baseball isn't very physically demanding. Till they read stuff like the Phillies outfielder's bench press workout: "Three sets of 12 reps, maxing out at 405 pounds." And this is a guy who's averaged over 30 steals over the past four seasons.
Paul's Recap: Wow, what an issue! You can see why Wal-Mart is terrified of selling it. Imagine how twisted this world would be if young people had access to Simeon Rice's brain and reviews of picture-taking binoculars.
In Five Words or Less: Tara Reid Beats Robert Reed
I had the exact same reaction when I opened my mailbox and saw my issue two days ago!!! One of the finer issues of FHM I can recall!!! Nice post!!
Posted by Ryan at August 13, 2003 9:33 AM