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Thursday, June 5, 2003

No Way Hannibal Lecter Kicks Darth Vader's Ass
When you think movie villain, who do you think of? I think of Drill Sergeant Ben Drewton, played by the hardest-hitting actor in the business, Dick Butkus, in Hamburger: The Motion Picture. But fast-food college comedies are an acquired taste, so it is no wonder that Drewton is nowhere to be found on the American Film Institute's recently released list of top 50 heroes and villains in movie history.

Amazingly, Darth Vader got the shaft, ranking No. 3 all time behind Hannibal Lecter and Norman Bates. Puh-leeze. Vader has his own fucking theme song! He had that voice of thunder and that breathing pattern that made him sound winded from a round of ass-kicking insubordinate Stormtroopers. (He also sounded like an obscene phone caller or Mo Vaughn after sprinting to McDonald's, but stick with me here.)

But the theme song, man: DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM, DUM-DUM-DUM, DUM-DUM-DUM! That was some scary shit. When he walked in the room, it was like dad coming home when all your Legos were scattered all over the fucking room. You cleaned that shit up quick.

Lecter? I'd tell that bitch to hang tight with his Italian wine, and I'd be with him in a minute.

As for the heroes, it could take a week to put into words my cynicism over the ultra-PC selection of Atticus Finch ranking No. 1, ahead of Rocky Balboa, Luke Skywalker or James Fucking Bond. Seriously, man, is there anyone out there who didn't at one point in their lives pretend to be one of those people, delivering a drunken "Yo, Adrian!" or performing a light-saber fight or pulling out an invisible 10-way gun/camera/dildo/knife on the playground. No one ever said, "Check it, watch me defend this black guy with the oratory skills of my man Atticus Finch!"

The Top 10 heroes according to AFI:
1: Atticus Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird)
2: Indiana Jones (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
3: James Bond (Dr No)
4: Rick Blaine (Casablanca)
5: Will Kane (High Noon)
6: Clarice Starling (The Silence of the Lambs)
7: Rock Balboa (Rocky)
8: Ellen Ripley (Aliens)
9: George Bailey (It's a Wonderful Life)
10: Colonel TE Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia)

Paul's Analysis: Omission of Roy Hobbs of The Natural in the top 50 a crime. Jimmy "Popeye Doyle" of The French Connection way too low at No. 44, as is Andrew Beckett of Philadelphia at No. 48. Clarice Starling at No. 6 is just as laughable as Finch. My god.

The Top 10 villains according to AFI:
1: Hannibal Lecter (The Silence of the Lambs)
2: Norman Bates (Psycho)
3: Darth Vader (The Empire Strikes Back)
4: The Wicked Witch of the West (The Wizard of Oz)
5: Nurse Ratched (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest)
6: Mr Potter (It's a Wonderful Life)
7: Alex Forrest (Fatal Attraction)
8: Phyllis Dietrichson (Double Indemnity)
9: Reagan MacNeil (The Exorcist)
10: The Queen (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)

Paul's Analysis: Good call with the Wicked Witch. She was a skank. The shark in Jaws deserves higher than No. 18. Taxi Driver's Travis Bickle way too low at No. 30. That was a one-character movie, and it's still a classic. How in the world is there no Jason from the Friday the 13th films? And Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest should be wire hanger way higher than No. 41.

See entire top 50 lists in annoying .pdf form.

(If you have never heard of Hamburger: The Motion Picture — and most of you have not except here — you might be interested in this synopsis on Reel.com: "Typically moronic 80s teen sex comedy about wacky hijinks at Busterburger U., a school for fast-food employees. Critically panned but this might entertain genre fans seeking some very cheap laughs.")

Category: News | Permalink | Post a Comment (9)


Comments: No Way Hannibal Lecter Kicks Darth Vader's Ass

When has the AFI ever made a perfect list?

Posted by Sonny Corleone at June 5, 2003 2:50 AM

could not agree more paul, Darth Vader at #3, come on, that is pitiful.
he could choke you death from across the room, what a bad ass.

Posted by carter at June 5, 2003 10:00 AM

I guess this is my own take, but the kid in the Exorcist was not the villian, she was possessed.

And where was the creature from Aliens, The Thing, The Predator, Chucky, & Jaws (Richard Kiel).

Missing heros; Audie Murphy (A real decorated war hero), Snake Plissken (Escape from NY/ A very Underrated movie), Taylor (Planet of the Apes 1968), Ben Hur.

And are they kidding me, Popeye Doyle is near the bottom of the list and Clarice Starling is near the top.

Posted by Pat at June 5, 2003 11:53 AM

I was talking with some people over lunch and someone jogged my memory.

One of the all time great villains was Sgt. Markoff from Beau Geste. It probably pops up on AMC or Turner Classic Movies once in a while.

This was Russian Sgt. in the French Foreign Legion. A great soldier but completely ruthless. Whenever a soldier was killed he'd prop him up in the parapets so it looked that the fort was fully manned. The whole garrison dies except for him and Gary Cooper.

A really great heavy.

Posted by Pat at June 5, 2003 1:52 PM

speaking of someone forgottne, don't know if any one has ever seen Flash Gordon, but where was Ming the Merciless, and Flash, both worthy additions to the list

Posted by carter at June 5, 2003 2:19 PM

I've still got Hamburger: The Motion Picture on VHS. It goes for the cheap laughs and it gets them. I watched it I don't know how many times because my friends loved it so much.

Most hilarious line of all: "PUT THOSE COOKIES BACK, MOTHERFUCKER!"

Posted by cheezwiz at June 7, 2003 12:59 AM

Found your site from a jadedgrrl on journalspace.com. I think you are absolutely right - this list has no credibility. The only person in the top 10 villians that scares me is glenn close in fatal attraction. i STILL cannot watch that movie. God - have not thought of HAMBURGER in years. And what about Bruce Willis in Armageddon? He saved the entire human race. Does that get him any credit?

Posted by lauren at June 11, 2003 11:22 AM

Darth Vader is the most recognizable villain of all time. Norman Bates was a pussy mama's boy, and Lecter, though quite awesome himself, couldn't by acting instill as much fear as Vader did by breathing.

Posted by DarthMandinga at June 18, 2003 5:46 PM

Blasphemy! Ok how is Moses from Ten Commandments not in the 1-10 range! Idiots no fucking way is Attis Finch cooler and more powerful than Moses.Charlton Heston did so well with moses that you would swear hes moses by his looks his powerful voice and words. I can understand Rocky, Indiana Jones, James Bond and Rocky are there because they are cool and are actually viewed as "Heroes" from acomplishing big thilngs and . Moses lead the jews out of Egypt and lines like "From this day on thou shall see his chariots no more!" Or "Let the lord of hosts do battle for us""Behold his mighty hand" make him my favorite. My top heroes are 1. Moses 2. Rocky 3. Indiana Jones 4. James Bond What sickens me even more is why is there NO SRG. ANDREW SCOTT(Dolph Lungren from Universal Soldier) ON THE LIST! Ok Universal Soldier may not be the best movie Its one of my favs because DOlPH LUNGREN plays Sgt. Andrew Scott who has the best sense on humor ive ever seen in a villain and is scary in the process. I just seen silence of the lambs and sure Hannibal is scary but no were as cool as or funny as Srg. Andrew Scott. Lines like "You cant run from this war soldier!not under my command(kicks Luke whos on the ground)huh,You've grown weak....You should of taken your medication(opens half of his vest showinganabolic steroids he used)its real funny stuff and it saddens me that the idiots who wrote that list never heard of him. And I can understand Srgt. Andrew Scott or Moses will never be in the #1 spot but at least put them in the 1-10 range to replace the wicked witch or clarice who both sucked. For me there are 4 villains equally good since they all have there own advanges over the others. Srgt.Andrew Scott for the best sense of humor.
Darth Vader for his scary image, theme and cool lines."I am your father"
Amom Goeth from SChindlers list with his cruelty for the jews who starts the day from sniping in his house at jewish children.
And PHaroh Rameses(Yul Brynner)with the most powerful script like "My son I shall build your tomb apon their crushed bodies"and "Laughter?I will turn the laughter of these slave INTO WAILS OF TORMENT!

Posted by Srg.Andrew Scott at July 16, 2003 3:15 PM
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