• Rocklopedia Fakebandica — A database of fictional bands and singers from TV and movies. Remember Willis Jackson's funk band The Afrodisiacs? How 'bout Zack Attack from Saved by the Bell? I'm huge on Lenny and the Squigtones from Laverne & Shirley, but there is no band on the planet, real or imaginary, that can hold a candle to Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

• Cough Stuff: A Web Site About the Passion for Coughing Women — Oh, I'm getting so horny looking at these pictures. Oh, baby, don't stop hacking. Louder. Faster. Not in my face. (Thanks, Punchy)

• Flash Movie: Do Your Boobs Hang Low? — If you've got 45 seconds to see a dancing, animated grandma smack herself in the face with drooping tits, I suggest viewing this one.

• List of Chat Acronyms — From BRB to TTYL to ROTFLMAOWPIMP, all those stupid, stupid geek-speak shortcuts are here. Here's another: WDTFHTHUIFOGS - "Why do those Frenchies have their hands up in front of Girl Scouts?"

• The Playboy Advisor — The second-best part of the magazine is now online, and since the first can be downloaded just about everywhere a week after the pictures are published, there really is no reason to buy the magazine. Although they keep sending it to me. (My last issue was supposed to be three months ago.)

• Lung Cancer Risk Assessment Tool — It's really only for people aged 50-75, which is about three of my visitors, but it's always fun to predict death.

• 50 Most Memorable Lines in Movie History — With Crocodile Dundee in the top 10, you know not to take this ranking seriously. If we were, No. 1 would certainly be, "Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow," said by the great Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School A close second would be "Why don't you call me when you have no class?"

• eBay's 2003 Community Conference — Because you can never be surrounded by too many Beanie Baby-collecting nerds.

• How to Get Through Jail Time — A consultant to white-collar criminals participates in Business 2.0's "expert" series. My advice: Stay away from Bogs.

• New Robot Fido Doubles as a Dildo — Doggie. Bone. So many directions to go here. (Thanks, Punchy)

• 10 Best Gossip Sites — For those too lazy to walk to the store for a copy of People.

• Zurich's True Beauty — Warning: heavy picture load. But they're pictures of hot-ass women. (Thanks, Kevin)

• "Don't Be an Ass-Clown" T-Shirt — I saw this t-shirt on the rack in the WWF store in Times Square and I think it took like 10 minutes to stop laughing. Get one for your little camper today!