8:39 p.m.: Even though I just walked into my apartment (you think I'm gonna come home early for this Hollywood bullshit?) Steve Martin already made me laugh out loud by saying that Lord of the Rings was "a great download." I'd call Martin a comedic genius, but he doesn't seem close enough to suicide or a drug overdose to warrant such a label.

8:41 p.m.: I just realized I committed four hours of my time to watching this crap. And I have only four beers left in the fridge after drinking at least eight earlier Sunday during Syracuse's victory and my triumph in the Amsterdam Billiard Club league. Is 12 beers gonna be enough to stomach the anti-war sentiments planted in the same speeches that thank public relations weasels?

8:49 p.m.: Wow, Keanu Reeves sounds as robotic in real life as he does in the movies. Or, in my case, movie, as I promised after Point Blank to never, ever see anything with him in it again.

8:58 p.m.: Jennifer Lopez just took the stage, and I can't decide whether she is the most overrated "sexy" woman ever or if it's Anna Kournikova. Katarina Witt used to be high on that list, but her Playboy layout wasn't bad.

9:10 p.m.: Peter Jennings breaks into the Oscars coverage, without any breaking news about the war from Iraq. I think the Oscars audience is fully aware that there are news options, and this reeks of an ad for ABC News.

9:30 p.m.: Still waiting for something interesting to happen so I can comment on it. Over the last 20 minutes, the only thing worth noting is that I am getting pretty good at playing John Mellencamp's "Lonely Ol' Night"

9:38 p.m.: A very pregnant Catherine Zeta-Jones trots her ample breasts on stage to accept the award for Best Actress in a Supporting Role. That's gonna be one lucky baby.

10:02 p.m.: Is there a Crank Yankers rerun on Comedy Central? I need something to keep me awake till past midnight. Hey, I know, online porn.

10:17 p.m.: Michael Moore just won an Academy Award for Bowling for Columbine and I'm really scared of what he's going to say in this time of war.

10:19 p.m.: Michael Moore uses someone else's stage at an entertainment event to make an outrageously inappropriate political statement. What a selfish asshole.

10:32 p.m.: Colin Farrell is presenting an award. If this man's penis has been in Britney Spears, please kill me.

10:37 p.m.: U2 just got done performing a totally uninspiring version of ... I'm not sure. This show is so boring that it took the air out of the world's most popular band. Oh, how I long for 1999 when Titanic took home everything and the most pressing concern was Y2K.

10:51 p.m.: Five seconds after thinking Adrien Broedy has no fucking chance of beating Jack Nicholson, Michael Caine and Daniel Day-Lewis for Best Actor in a Leading Role, the dude wins. I would now like to say that there is no way I'll win the lottery someday, and Syracuse has no chance of advancing to the Final Four next week.

11:01 p.m.: Eminem just won an Oscar for "Lose Yourself," and a Doug Henning look-alike is accepting the award in a Detroit Pistons jersey while an orchestra butchers the song. No wonder he didn't show up.

11:16 p.m.: Denzel Washington takes the stage to present the award for Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role. He's the first black man I've seen all night. Halle Berry has been on camera several times, but never without following a reference to how hot she is. Discuss amongst yourselves.

11:26 p.m.: Olivia de Havilland, a two-time winner of Actress in a Leading Role (1946, '49), gets a standing ovation. There's no way in hell this whole crowd knows who she is.

11:35 p.m.: The Academy completes its "portrait" of past Oscars winners, but I didn't once hear the name Rodney Dangerfield. If that's not enough of a travesty, I am now being told that I should stay tuned for an appearance by Ben Affleck. At least I have three minutes to get the barf bag.

11:54 p.m.: Roman Polanski wins the Oscar for Best Director for The Pianist and gets a standing ovation. It's the loudest applause ever given to a man who as Slate writes it "lured a 13-year-old girl to his friend Jack Nicholson's house and then, by his own admission, had sex with her."

12:00 a.m.: Steve Martin ended the show by thanking the men and women "watching overseas" and saying, "this show was for you." Yes, every single minute of Hollywood gluttony was, indeed, for those who are watching not for surrendering Iraqi soldiers who turn around and kill but to see if Nicole Kidman won her first Oscar. And I must say that while Nicole's dress sucked, I was happy for her, because it looked like her divorce was a painful and embarrassing episode.