All of them.

I can see where an Amazon wish list, which is basically a personal registry, could maybe, possibly, almost be of service to those with a large, dispersed family. Short of that, it's just another tacky, monkey-see-monkey-do aspect of the Internet akin to worthless, self-gratifying Flash intros (may they rest in peace) and the posting of song lyrics after a vague disclosing of some kind of heartbreak (I love those! If I can't come up with words to describe how I'll rebound from Jenny not calling me back, maybe the Smashing Pumpkins can say it for me! And inspire the online community at the same time!).

But, if I did have an Amazon wish list for my 30th birthday tomorrow (Friday), you know it wouldn't be a normal one. Beg for a Norah Jones CD? Please. If strangers are gonna buy me shit, it's gonna be stuff I'd be too embarrassed to order on my own. And then I could throw it away in 10 minutes after my curiosity has been fulfilled.

These are actual items sold on Amazon.com, the profits of which go into the pockets of 1999 TIME Person of the Year Jeff Bezos.

(By the way, nobody is to buy me any of this stuff.)

A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting — A book by Deborah Addington, who I'm guessing has had more fun with her nights than watching The Gilmore Girls.

Night Owl Night Vision Goggles — An $800 pair of goggles with no stated reason for use, not even in the user comments. So I'll just come out and say it: this product is for people who like to watch their neighbors fuck.

The Worst Team Money Could Buy: The Collapse of the New York Mets — A book about the Mets' disastrous 1992 season. Hey, where's the 2002 version?

Erotic Survivor — A reality show with fake breasts, if you will. Now on DVD!

Hulk Hogan and The Wrestling Boot Band — Be the first one on your block — hell, be the first one in the world — to own this 1995 musical release.

Complete Guide to Oral Lovemaking — A VHS tape about which one insightful viewer writes, "There are two parts in this video, the first part is women on men, the second part is men on women." What, no third part showing midgets on farm animals?

Ragdoll Cats 2003 Calendar — 'Cause god knows I'll go insane if I go a single day without looking at a ragdoll cat.