To my best estimation, my heart has been broken three times. Two hearts on a
couple of sudden life-changing, I've-been-thinking-a-lot-about-us,
depression-inducing dumps by women I loved who politely told me that it was
time to see what else is out there. (I hope each ran face first into a case
of herpes.) One-half heart by the crushing realization that a girl whom I
thought was going to pull me out of one funk was the most mysterious
— in a bad way — woman I'd ever met. One-quarter heart for the
girl on whom I had the longest-running crush of my life and never got shit
off of. And one-quarter heart for the rest of the broads who have blatantly
ignored my needs over the years, even though I really never cared for any of
them and just wanted cheap sex.
To all of them, I would like to say that I am not bitter. But I wouldn't
mind it too much if you all locked yourselves together in a room and fucked
yourselves. And then invited me to join in, OK?
In all seriousness, I don't hold bad feelings against any of the women I
have loved or tried to love. They didn't want to spend their lives with me,
and that's fine. There are plenty off well-intentioned women with whom I
don't want to spend my entire life with. C'est la vie. And pass the
Heinekens.
Now, if I was your average blogger, I would pull out some sappy lyrics from
a song about loving oneself, but I won't, because I don't know any songs
about masturbation. And I think most blogs are boring as all fuck.
(I can't wait to read all the reflective bullshit on blogs this Valentine's Day. Seriously, I'm going to laugh my face off at the unintentional comedy.)
Links for Horny Singles:
Man Summarizes His Day Photographing a Couple Having Sex — He says he did it for science. I say he did it to make a few hundred bucks from Nerve.com. And he used my camera, a Canon S30.
ErosBlog: 'The Sex Blog' — Finally a blog about something other than trips to Starbucks and how great pets are.
The Reverse Cowgirl's Blog — Some chick writes about sex and stuff. It's where I found Larry Sultan's artful photo gallery of life on a porn set.
Win a Trip to Hedonism III — You won't mind being
single here, though from most accounts Hedo II is wilder.
How to Avoid Strip Club Scams — In case you're heading
out to the titty bars Friday night. You won't see me there.
Adult Rentals at My Video Store That Delivers — One phone call can deliver gangbangs to my
door in under an hour. I once told a friend that I'd never seen a porno on DVD, and he questioned why I even had a DVD player and 36-inch TV.
New Talent at Who's on First — One of my friends hired a couple of busty blondes to work at his bar. Another guy I know took the pictures. Another friend posted them. We all reap the benefits.
I can't wait to read all the reflective bullshit on blogs this Valentine's Day. Seriously, I'm going to laugh my face off at the unintentional comedy.
My plans for V-Day:
Rent a few ultra-violent DVD's. Maybe something from the Tarantino oeuvre. Exchange super romantic gifts with SO; I got him a semi-auto soft pellet gun and satanic rubber ducky. Avoid the color pink in general. Eat red meat, drink beer and glory in the fact that being a girl doesn't mean I have to like hearts, flowers or maudlin poetry. Stare in wonder at how jacked people get about a stupid holiday created by the greeting card industry, designed to make us feel like shit if we don't follow their narrowly prescribed definition of romance.
Then I might egg a few cars outside the local fancy restaurants. Just for variety.
Great post, you're cool people.
Posted by Trace at February 14, 2003 2:38 AM