I'm a big fan of Bon Jovi and here's why: You see the guy on the right posing on a beach with an unplugged electric guitar, a foam hat, calf-high tube socks and all-white velcro Reebok high-tops? I think his name is Richie. Well, he fucks Heather Locklear. And his Jacuzzi — where he fucks Heather Locklear — is bigger than your bedroom. You think Richard Simmons or Jared is motivation for fat people? Not like the guys in Bon Jovi are to this aspiring guitarist.

My New School teacher once asked my small-group guitar class, "Who's taking this course for credit?" I said, "Credit? I'm taking this course for girls." Every seasoned guitarist, from my friends to my doorman, asks me what style of guitar I like to play. I reply, "Whatever gets me laid." Let's face it, Gene Simmons is one of the ugliest things to ever emerge from a uterus. Seriously, there are placentas that are more attractive than him. And he ranks No. 3 on the all-time hit list, behind Wilt Chamberlain and Hugh Hefner. And he plays the bass, which nobody likes. Plus, he's not even that good.

I'm already doing the calculations. I'll be 30 in less than three weeks. I can probably get pretty good in five years. Is 35 too old to cash in on musical prowess? I'm banking on no. So Monday night, when I escort three drunken Jersey chicks to see Bon Jovi and they pay me no mind even though I hooked them up with tickets, I'll seek solace in the fact that in five years I could be doing as well as the guy with the tube socks at a beach.

P.S. The after party is at Coyote Ugly, where Char is celebrating her one-year anniversary. Don't miss it. You can be sober at work the next Tuesday.

P.P.S. The Bon Jovi picture does not accurately depict Hedonism II in the slightest. If it did, everyone would be naked and someone in the background would be getting a hummer. Not the LeBron James kind.

Other Music-Related Web Finds

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Mocks Bon Jovi — One of the most popular viral videos of the past year. I was at this concert in the summer of 2001, the happiest period of my life. Feels like 10 years ago.

20 Questions With Dee Snider — I respect the Twisted Sister frontman as much as any celebrity. And I don't even know much of his music. But he's consistently a forthright, smart, responsible fan-friendly showman who's not afraid to fight back against brainwashed soldiers of religion and corporate media hypocrites. I saw him and his hot wife at a Yankees game once, so right on, fellow supporter of all things pinstriped. In this interview he calls out Axl Rose, bags on Vince Neil and surmises that Pee Wee Herman is not as gay as he once was.

2002 Sludgeaholic Choice Awards — The no-holds-barred glam/metal site delivers results from its year-end visitors' poll. Breaking news: Axl sucks.

Photos of Guns 'N' Roses Guitarist Buckethead — I went to the July 18, 1992 Metallica-GNR show at Giants Stadium and it was something out of rock history, even if Axl & Co. sucked and foreshadowed their disintegration into oblivion. Now they sport a guitarist with a bucket of KFC on his head. Shit, Sambora's doing a lot better than that.

Bon Jovi Refuses to Acknowledge Bassist — Even on the band's official site, bassist Hugh McDonald, who replaced Alec John Such, is not recognized. I have a couple of Bon Jovi shows on DVD and noticed that they almost never show this guy. This cheap business decision — apparently to dupe fans — has inspired a petition to give McDonald credit for his work.