Spam rarely catches my attention. Horny barnyard babes? I've moved on to midget amputees. Penis-enlargement pills? What, a foot isn't long enough? But this week I saw a subject line that could grab Ray Charles' attention: Colon need cleaning?
Um, probably.
Heretowith, an excerpt from the only piece of spam that truly is full of shit.
"The stool tells you a lot about your colon health. If it's dark brown in color, and it sinks, and it stinks, that's not good. And don't feel bad, that's the way most people are. What you want to see is light brown color, which means it's full of fresh bile from the liver, very mild odor, and a stool that floats. We're talking low-density here folks. The more compaction you have the darker the color and the faster it sinks. Compaction is not good. Also, moving bowels should be SIMPLE. If the veins are popping out of your neck and you feel like your doing the bench press, you NEED to cleanse your colon."
Ahhh, so that's the secret. Dense and smelly is not good. Well that explains how Ben Affleck single-handedly killed Pearl Harbor. I'll have to wait till later to see how I rate, but if you come back from the throne displeased with the subjects, here's a link to a bottle of Extreme Colon Cleanser. Be careful. You don't want to overdose on this stuff.
Other Web Finds
Miller Lite Catfight Girl on Playboy.com — You'll need a Cyber-Club membership — and no, I don't have one — but at least we can keep an eye out when the photos get released on another site.
Wanted: 6-5 African-American Woman — Loyal visitor Kevin spotted a strange ad on the same site on which a Missouri man supposedly was seeking a cheap "Big Apples" apartment on the "Upper Western Side." Anyway, if you're black, tall and have breasts, you can make $750/day without even having sex.
Hook Up New York — A service that allows people to post personal ads for too-shy friends. T minus two weeks till the site is overrun with ads of Photoshopped high school teachers posted by spiteful students.
Rent a Dwarf — Like Jimmy Kimmel said on Super Bowl Sunday, everyone should own one.
As a NYC high school guidance counselor who's students ask daily why I am single.....that hook up NY thing scares the crap outta me. Last year a student put me on Lavalife (sans picture) and kept trying to get me to go out with randoms that responded to whatever madness he had made up about me. Kid's do the darndest things.
Posted by jen at February 7, 2003 9:05 AM