It is with great sadness that I post a fond farewell to a friend that's been with me, like a period, every month since 1996. The final issue of my current Playboy subscription arrived and I *sniffle* *sniffle* have already decided that it's best we no longer see each other. The reason: not enough celebrity ass.
I never got Playboy for the articles. I got it because there were pictures of naked women in it and, most importantly, pictures of naked women that I could not see anywhere else. Now, with a DSL connection and access to approximately 1.5 billion pictures of naked women online, there is no need for Playboy, unless it capitalizes on its ability to lure never-before-seen-nude celebrities to pose.
There was Kim Basinger in February 1983. Madonna in September 1985. Cindy Crawford in April 1993. Elle MacPherson in May 1994. Shannon Elizabeth in August 1999. Hell, I even thought the Dian Parkinson and Downtown Julie Brown shoots were hot. And then came the Jump the Shark moment for which I will never forgive Hugh Hefner: WWF's Chyna, a man with fake breasts and thighs that could choke an ox, who posed not once (November 2000) but twice (January 2002). I have not accepted a single one of Hugh's party invites since.
Playboy and I have been through a lot together. Kleenex, especially. And I've got to hand it, quite literally, to Stephanie Seymour, Paula Barbieri and Donna D'Errico. But the last few months have brought Clint Eastwood's daughter, the naked-everywhere Jordan, the few decent-looking Enron and WorldCom women and "The Sexy Ladies of Latin TV." I didn't even know there was Latin TV.
I'll miss the Playboy Advisor, but not the wine questions. I'll miss the interviews, but only the ones with athletes and comedians. And I'll miss the "Next Month" page, which I would check first, ironically, to see if I could look forward to seeing Charlize Theron (May 1999). Alas, it was usually a promo for the next OK-looking college feminists of the Big 12.
Where the hell is Kelly from Real World New Orleans? Where, pray tell, is Jules Asner? Jennifer Garner? Jennifer Aniston? Is Elizabeth Hurley too much to ask? They should have an entire department working on securing a "tasteful" shoot with Britney Spears. Instead we're supposed to be impressed with another pictorial of Pamela Anderson, like I haven't seen her naked. Or sucking off a rock star ... twice.
So long, Playboy. Thanks for the mammaries.
(By the way, the Charlize Theron issue is going for quite a price on eBay. I've never thrown an issue out. Time to cash in.)
WTF? No mention of the Dahm triplets? Or a gold-covered Farrah? What about the reliable Jessica Hahn or Darva Conger? Hasn't Hef pulled us all out of sticky situations before? Where's the loyalty?
We need to keep the subscribers' numbers up so Hef can continue to afford to lure in the big fish (Britney, Christina, Shakira, Jeri Ryan). Paul, if you and others stick around for a couple of more years, we can all push for the highest paid modelling gig in history; a nude photo layout of the Olsen Twins. Now, I don't want to get all Pete or PeeWee on anyone, but those teeny-boppers are smokin'!!
Posted by JC at February 4, 2003 9:43 AM