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Thursday, January 16, 2003

WWF Raw Turns 10, and I See Triple H's Bare Ass
Tuesday night I saw the 10th anniversary special of the WWF's "Raw is War," the super-successful prime time pro wrestling show that I watched religiously from 1999-2000 to see which of the bimbo valets were going to wind up in a bikini mud match.

It was broadcast live from Times Square, the mecca of pro wrestling — because so many people from Ohio are there visiting — and it was one of those spotting-your-third-grade-teacher-in-public experiences. The wrestlers were sitting at banquet tables dressed in regular clothes. Where are the Speedos? Where are the knee-high leather boots? For god's sake, where are the singlets? It all lacked the homoerotic authenticity of pro wrestling.

I saw Classy Freddie Blassie for the first time since we shared a table at a Japanese hibachi restaurant. Me and my brother got his autograph. That was classy of him. He was known as the Fashion Plate of Wrestling, which should tell you about the dressing habits of the other guys, 'cause Freddie wore gold leisure suits and medallion necklaces.

I have many great in-person wrestling memories: Iron Sheik vs. Sgt. Slaughter at sold-out MSG when I was around 12 years old. When Sarge won, it was like V-E day in Times Square again. Years later, my brother grabbed the microphone from Sarge and yelled to the audience, "We're gonna bomb the commies!" And, of course, that Monday night in New Haven when I experienced an entire arena filled with 10-year-olds screaming, "It's time to get on the Ho Train!" and "'Pimpin' ain't easy!"

And I didn't even mention Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry's affair with 78-year-old Mae Young, who gave birth to a hand on television as Gerald Brisco vomited next to her.

The lowlight of the anniversary show was when Triple H told Stephanie McMahon to close her eyes and pucker up. That's when he dropped his pants and the camera zoomed in on his no-fat bare ass. The homoeroticism had returned, after all!

Also in Sports:

Future NBA Star Gets Hummer for Birthday, Scores 50 Points — High school hoops sensation LeBron James has come under scrutiny for receiving a $50,000 2003 Hummer H2 as an 18th-birthday gift from his mom, making him the last guy on the team to get a hummer from her. (Ouch!) He also broke the school record for most points in a game (50) and most egotistical comment ("When I'm in the zone there's nothing anybody can do. I don't need to show anybody anything. I got the whole package.'').

Ron Dayne's Agent Demands Client's Trade From Giants — Shit, where are we gonna get a guy who can run into the back of someone's ass and fall forward 10 inches? Wait, I know. Me, after gorging on Taco Bell Gorditas for four months.

Guy LaFleur Goes Disco, and Other Swinging Singles — Maxim reviews some of the most heinous penalties in sports history: when athletes record music.

Kings of the Microphone — ESPN.com's Page 2 ranks the sports dignitaries who were at their best (or worst) at press conferences. How they left Dick Vermeil — who Rick Reilly once wrote "will bawl at the retirement of a blocking sled" — off this list I'll never know. And the "honorable mention" Hal McRae longjohns-wearin', toss-the-phone-like-a-discus, "I'm sick of all this bullshit!" rampage was the most classic moment of unintended comedy of all time, sports or otherwise.

Sports' Worst Hair — Another list from ESPN.com Page 2, chronicling the follicle follies of the likes of Gene Keady, who has a wife while I don't. If she's better-looking than a bowl of stew, I'm killing myself.

Category: Sports | Permalink | Post a Comment (2)


Comments: WWF Raw Turns 10, and I See Triple H's Bare Ass

the superbowl preview is so not even going to be a problem ;)

Posted by gnome-girl at January 16, 2003 12:24 AM

i feel so completely empty inside, i have NO real life rasslin' experiences. none. ziltch. zippo.

of course, this might have something to do with the fact that i wouldn't recognize a rassler if he smacked me down (is that the proper lingo, btw?)

and, like a MULLETT isn't bad enough that bosworth had to make it DAY GLO?? that was some scary shit on that page....you should have WARNED me before i looked!

Posted by jen at January 16, 2003 12:46 AM
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