Yep, I'm talking about the great game of pool and the joint at which I run racks (well, half-racks) and my mouth with equal aplomb — Amsterdam Billiard Club, located appropriately enough on Amsterdam Ave. at 76 Street on Manhattan's luxurious Upper West Side. (East Side location at 86 Street between Second and Third Aves. a former PK.com haunt, as well. It's safe to say I did not leave my mark on that joint.)

Amsterdam is a clean, modern pool hall with 30 tables, a bar, late hours and a rate that generally runs around $8/hour per person. Some contend it provides the best entertainment value in New York. Hell, you can't even get mugged around here for less than $10/hour. And just going out on a date cost as much as $50/hour, and that doesn't even guarantee sex if the girl is Catholic.

I play in Amsterdam's eight-ball league, which is popular enough to fill four nights' worth of divisions (Sunday-Wednesday), allowing players to choose the night that fits their schedule, and it costs just $12/week to get paired up against a member of an opposing four-person team and battle in a race to three of eight-ball, then a race to four in nine-ball.

Like church-sponsored singles night, more often than not you'll get paired off with a nerd. Such is how I would describe a lot of the crowd who come with their own sticks, their own three-fingered guiding-hand gloves and, all too often, their own sweatpants or ponytails. I've had a good time playing many opponents, but some are too deliberate for their talent level, surveying the table layout like it's another invasion of Normandy, only to sink two balls and miss.

But none of my friends play pool but once every few months, so I go for a weekly hour-and-a-half fix of the game I love and entertain the very, very offhand chance I might actually get paired up with a chick. Never happened this past season, but that's because the women (about 30 percent of the co-ed league) run at a 4-5 level and the guys are mostly 5-8. (The difference between a 5 and a 7 — which is my handicap, as well as drooling — is that the 5 can take two balls off the table before shooting at the eight ball.)

Registration for the 10-week (or so) spring league is Monday, Jan. 13, and if you're looking for a regular, relaxing way to unwind after work, sign up with the rest of the beginners and intermediates. And if you make it Sunday night, maybe you'll have the pleasure of getting your ass kicked by me.

Links:

Amsterdam's Crappy Website — Not updated since 1999, like Tom Arnold's love life.

Tips on Aiming — It's all geometry, like projectile vomiting.