No, I'm not kidding.

Something happened to video games between my college graduation in 1994 and Thanksgiving 2002, when I treated myself to a Playstation 2. Back then I was getting my rocks off by throwing bombs from Stan Humphries to Anthony Miller in Tecmo Bowl: Super Bowl. Now I'm throwing bombs at mall-walking grandmas, Latino gangsters and Miami beach combers — unless I have a rifle handy, in which case I might take one shot at their domes and turn their necks into geysers of blood. (And, of course, steal their money when I'm done.)

The game is described as "open-experience" — meaning there's no absolute script to follow — though one does have to complete certain missions that include motorcycles, strippers, boats, sniper rifles, helicopters, Molotov cocktails and, yes, drive-by shootings in golf carts. All that's left out is a birthday clown to assassinate.

I'm at the point where I have passed a few missions, and since they keep getting harder and harder for me, I've used every cheat code I could find to give myself an unfair advantage — and I still have to run missions 12 times before I finally complete them. What's worse is that I'm spending part of my adult life doing this. Smoking crack makes more sense than this but, like a good catfight or a Rodney Dangerfield movie, I just can't pull myself away.

GTA: Vice City Links

• Vice City FAQs & Guides — Even if you do not own the game, you much check out one of the 12 walkthroughs that are among the most scarily detailed reports of anything I have ever seen online.

• Vice City Message Board — Five new topics a minute are posted by Unabombers-in-waiting, taking a break from looking at internet porn for a change.

• Vice City Cheat Codes — I use as many as I can and I still suck at this game. To be quite honest, I'm kinda relieved about that.

• Collection of Reviews of GTA: Vice City — Everyone loves it. It's the Casablanca of video games, with more guys in suits to maim and rob.