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An Afghan heads to his first post-Taliban strip club
Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy
Old Blue Eyes, down at the precinct in 1938
The new cheesy calendars are out for 2003!
Bikini contest time at Johny D's in Toledo, Ohio
My all-time No. 1 babe, Alyssa Milano, in FHM
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NYC LINKS
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MurphGuide.com — A daily guide to bar specials and events
Who's on First — Upper East Side bar with superstars Chaundra and Liani on Thursday nights
Mr. Hipster — Hands-down the wittiest bar and restaurant reviews in the city. If the Mr. Hipster hasn't reviewed it, it's not worth going to.
NYCBP.com — If you pick your bar depending on what hot bartenders are working, this is your resource.
NetworkingGirl — Christan's always organizing events for NYC singles to get in bed with each other. Go see what she's got going on this week. Also see her Singles of the Week.
NYsolo.com — Coordinates activities for busy New Yorkers. Use "Molly McMillan" as reference.
Dodgeball — NYCers rate bars and post reviews — and without the bridge-and-tunnel reviews that infect CitySearch.
* Got an NYC-centric site to plug? Let me know.
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What do you get when you combine an oversexed pig, a maniacal drummer and a daredevil with something long, purple and hooked protruding from his body? You've got the basis of one hell of an orgy ... or a wildly popular children's show!
I'm a huge fan of the Muppets. I know all the words to the theme song. And now I share my thoughts on 10 of the best characters...
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KERMIT THE FROG
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Profile: Man, have you seen the pig this guy hangs out with? Besides that tragic flaw, Kermit is a more prodigious entertainer than P. Diddy. He sings, he dances, and he's shared the stage with Liberace and Elton John. Hell, he's like Gregory Hines with an assful of stuffing.
Link: Kermit's 1996 commencement address at Southampton College
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ANIMAL
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Profile: A fellow drummer, Animal bangs away for the Electric Mayhem band with more energy than a pack of drunk frat boys on Viagra. Among his influences are John Bonham, Keith Moon and tons of cocaine.
Link: Animal "Want Woman" t-shirt
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BEAKER & DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
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Profile: Wanna put the future of science in the hands of two guys who couldn't heat up pizza in a microwave? Be my guest. For now, I'm steering clear of this S&M team whose brains have needed a recharge for decades.
Links: Beaker profile | Dr. Bunsen Honeywell profile
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THE SWEDISH CHEF
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Profile: Armed with a blood-stained set of kitchen knives and a slightly better command of English than Emeril, the chef is a jolly ol' fellow, but an animal rights activist's worst nightmare. His best meals are the ones in which the food is actually dead.
Link: The Swedish Chef page
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THE GREAT GONZO
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Profile: Part of the often-misunderstood Whatever species, Gonzo goes full throttle at anything he decides to do ... poorly. He punctuates the end of the Muppet Show theme song with a note that sounds like it's coming out of a Taco Bell bathroom, but we love him anyway.
Link: The Great Gonzo t-shirt
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FOZZIE BEAR
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Profile: His comedy act is slightly less funny than Gallagher's, but we admire Fozzie's perseverance and apparent ignorance that his crowd is either asleep or warming up their cars. Reminds me of Shea Stadium in late September.
Link: Fozzie Bear home page
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MISS PIGGY
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Profile: Frankly, I don't know how Kermit puts up with this overbearing wench. Isn't there anyone hotter on The Muppet Show? What about Janice? I mean, I know she's a little too granola and all, but I can see her being a better in the sack. Like, fer sure.
Link: On location with Miss Piggy
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SAM THE EAGLE
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Profile: The moral guardian of The Muppet Show, and like most ultraconservatives, boring as all hell. Aside from being the the most patriotic dude this side of Lee Greenwood, Sam champions values and decency ... then goes home to his impossibly huge stash of porn.
Link: See Sam's lookalike, UNC coach Matt Doherty
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STATLER & WALDORF
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Profile: I don't have to see a psychic to find out what my life is going to be like in 40 years. I've already seen it in the form of two old curmudgeons who ditched the wives for a couple of hours to get drunk and rain down insults on puppets. God, I hope I'm around to enjoy such pleasures.
Link: Statler & Waldorf profiles
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SCOOTER
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Profile: The nephew of the Muppet Theater's owner, Scooter is hardworking, diligent and a total peon. Having a full understanding of his place on the food chain — below Dr. Teeth, for Christ's sake — allows ol' Scoot to fulfill his random duties (make sure guest star is comfortable, mop up puke in bathrooms, serve as Kermit's fluffer) with a smile.
Link: Buy a Scooter bust
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* Which Muppet Are You?
* Who Would You Kill on The Muppet Show?
* Fark regulars Photoshop new Muppet ideas. (Heavy page load.)
* When did The Muppet Show jump the shark?
* The very best of The Muppet Show on DVD
RANDOM WEIRDNESS
* Things Overhead in NYC Bars — Words of wisdom from people who are going through life fat, drunk and stupid. And right in my friggin' neighborhood. A sample: "I'm old enough to be your father. But that doesn't make me a bad person. There are other things that make me a bad person, but that's not one of them."
* Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy — A transcript of the hilarious Saturday Night Live skit in which Jimmy Fallon played a totally condescending tech guy. Not that we know any of those. Watch the video. (See more SNL transcripts.)
* Junk Busters — A wealth of tips on ridding your life of telemarketers, junk mail and junk e-mail. It was from there that I found the New York State Consumer Protection Board's "Do Not Call" Registry Website. I guess I won't be returning those junk voicemails and telling them to "never fucking call me again."
* Buy a Framed Krispy Kreme Stock — For that special pig in your life.
* Your Bible Answers: I've found porn on my teen son's computer — Sage advice from those who make decisions based on 2,000 years of Telephone. Part of the diagnosis: "Your son probably feels guilty about what he has been looking at..." Um, don't be so sure.
* The Smoking Gun: Mugshots — Arresting images of the rich, famous and mostly stoned. (Also see Metal Sludge's rock star mugshots.)
* Salon Book Review: What It's Like to Book Guests for Daytime Talk Shows — The worst job on the planet? Try sweet talking the lowest of the low to make public their demons.
* Motorcycle Hearses — Go out like a badass. No rice burners.
* Brief Guide to Fake IDs — Time to relive the best part of college: strolling into bars at age 17.
* New York Con Games — You'd have to be a real jackass to fall for any of these, but it can be very uplifting to know there are people more foolish than you walking the streets.
* Guidette From Birth — More unintentional comedy from my favorite site for refrigerator repairmen, NJguido.com.
THE SPORTSDESK
* Steinbrenner ringing up his little people — Around 30 lackeys who work for the Yanks in both NYC and Tampa are still waiting for their 2000 World Series rings. It's estimated that it would cost Steinbrenner $250,000 to take care of them. I can't believe these people are entitled to them in the first place. (Found on SportsByBrooks)
* CNNSI.com's 2002-03 NHL Expert Picks — Even though I think hockey should be banned in the U.S., I'm a sucker for predictions. All six contributors pick the Avalanche to win the Cup, but a word of warning: I copied Sports Illustrated's World Cup bracket pick-for-pick in my office pool, and I came in LAST.
* Arizona morning DJ prank calls Darryl Kile's widow during Diamondbacks-Cardinals series — Honestly, the most vicious act I have ever heard of from a supposed entertainer. If anyone sees Beau Duran on the street, please crack him in the mouth. Said Cards manager Tony LaRussa: "If we (the Cardinals) could get our hands on them, we would deal with them physically."
* Fleer Die Cast Collectibles — Who could ever get through life without his very own San Francisco 49ers Cadilac Escalade, Ohio State Winnebago, or New York Yankees Helicopter?
* Harris Poll: Packers the nation‰s favorite NFL team — The Cowboys used to have a stranglehold on overall popularity, but now even the Giants are creeping up on them. You know, the team that got beat at home by Doug Johnson and the Falcons.
* A-Rod donates $3.9 million to University of Miami's baseball program — I'll never understand people's donations to private, profitable colleges &3151; let alone the sports programs — but I guess there are worse ways an athlete can spend his money. The funny part is that Rodriguez never attended UM.
* The List: Bliss for Yankee haters — ESPN's Page 2 lists the 10 greatest moments for those who can't stand seeing the Yanks win (and win, and win, and win). Hey, I got 26 more moments for you chumps.
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE
* Why Terrorism Works — From Salon: Alan Dershowitz says the world community opened the door to al-Qaida by rewarding Palestinian terrorists — and makes the case for national I.D. cards and torture.
THE NEWSDESK
* Italian-American Rudy Giuliani defends "The Sopranos" — He says all the hoopla about it reinforcing negative stereotypes is blown out of proportion. Ya think?
* Snoop Dogg stops smoking marijuana — Yeah right. And I stopped hitting Gray's Papaya drunk at 4 a.m. every weekend.
THE WEEKLY LADIES
* Alyssa Milano's new spread in FHM — When I saw my favorite gal on the cover of FHM, I started writing out my postman's Christmas bonus check. But the pictorial was a little disappointing. If I wanna see that much clothes, I'll hit an Ann Taylor.
* J Greely's Glamourcon 8 snapshots — One man's memories from those pin-up gal conventions that attract mostly men who haven't gotten laid since their first wives left them.
* Johny D's Summer 2002 Bikini Contest — We don't have these contests in NYC, and I'm gonna have to talk to Bloomy about that.
* 2003 Glamour/Pin-up Calendars — All your favorite themes are here. Spice up your office walls with 12 months of Hot Buns, Garage Girls or Construction Chicks.
DUMBEST THING I READ ON A MESSAGE BOARD THIS WEEK
Found on PEOPLE.com...
Topic: Julia Roberts, happy at last??? Give Me a Break
Oh please, with Julia and her new conquest. This woman changes her men faster than someone can say pretty woman. Wow, PEOPLE must have really been hurting for cover stories with this nonsense.
I agree. What nonsense. I mean where are those other respectable PEOPLE cover stories, like Katie Couric's new look, George Clooney's personal life and Jennifer Aniston's career after Friends?
KID ROCK LYRICS OF THE WEEK
From "WSCR," a duet with the legendary Snoop Dogg...
I'm on a private jet out of JFK
Sippin' the Beck's — And feeling A Okay
Looked across the aisle and who did I see
Bill motherfuckin' Clinton sittin' next to me
We kicked it talked had a couple of laughs
The stewardess walked up and asked us for our autographs
I thought I was mackin' gave her two free shirts
Bill stuck five fingers up in her skirt
So, I stuck five and that made ten
Shit two roosters and only one hen
Billy winked at me — It was all too sweet
We tag teamed that freak at 30,000 feet
You think anyone in the 1860s was rapping about double-teaming chicks in a horse buggy with Abe Lincoln?
PARTING SHOT
No one under 21 allowed in Central Park this weekend.
NEXT WEEK
Not sure what next week's topic will be, but I can always use some help.
Send your link suggestions now.
THE ARCHIVE
Missed a week of PaulKatcher.com? Shame on you.
Hit the archive and see what you missed.
Recent issues include Spring Break, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Before that we (un)covered Mardi Gras 2002.
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