|
Wanna see a guy lick a 19-year collection of finger and toe nails?
Like the real Patrick Swayze, this guy can't act, either
The greatest player in the history of video game football, Nasty Bo
Contest time at the Century Club
Kaylee Tanner
Kerri
|
NYC LINKS
|
|
Tuesday, Aug. 20
MurphGuide.com's Summer Happy Hour
* Free admission
* $5 Cosmos
* Live music
5 - 10 p.m. at Coda
34 E. 34th St. (Madison Ave.)
RSVP to MurphGuide@yahoo.com
MurphGuide.com — A daily guide to bar specials and events
Who's on First — Upper East Side bar with superstars Chaundra and Liani on Thursday nights
Mr. Hipster — Hands-down the wittiest bar and restaurant reviews in the city. If the Mr. Hipster hasn't reviewed it, it's not worth going to.
NYCBP.com — If you pick your bar depending on what hot bartenders are working, this is your resource.
NetworkingGirl — Christan's always organizing events for NYC singles to get in bed with each other. Go see what she's got going on this week. Also see her Singles of the Week.
NYsolo.com — Coordinates activities for busy New Yorkers. Use "Molly McMillan" as reference.
Dodgeball — NYCers rate bars and post reviews — and without the bridge-and-tunnel reviews that infect CitySearch.
* Got an NYC-centric site to plug? Let me know.
|
|
Living in New York, I get to see just about everything. But not all of it is good. Following are things I have seen that still leave scars...
|
6. PRETTY BOYS IN WAR MOVIES
|
|
The Skinny: There was this event on Dec. 7, 1941. Thousands of Americans were killed in a sneak attack. Across the globe, Jews were being exterminated by the millions. Jerry Bruckheimer turned it into a sappy love story containing this highly laughable quote: "Not anxious to die, sir. Just anxious to matter." I was embarrassed walking out of the theater.
Link: N.Y. Times: War Is Hell, but Very Pretty
|
|
5. NEW YORK ICONS IN DRAG
|
|
The Skinny: First Rudy Giuliani dresses in drag for a role in a satire of "Victor/Victoria," then Derek Jeter does the same for a Saturday Night Live skit. As Susan Powter would say, "Stop the insanity!" I don't need any more confusion in my life.
Link: Episode Reviews: Derek Jeter on "SNL"
|
|
4. CARL LEWIS' NATIONAL ANTHEM
|
|
The Skinny: Francis Scott Key never penned the words "I'll make up for it." But the Olympic legend inserted them in the middle of his botched rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner before a Bulls-Nets game in 1993. It was the worst national anthem in history, making Rosanne's scratch-'n'-spit version in San Diego sound like butter.
Link: Memorable Star-Mangled Banners
|
|
3. WOMEN'S LIB COMEDY
|
|
The Skinny: Here it is, my monthly crack at "One Day at a Time," the unfunniest, so-bad-it-makes-me-squirm "comedy" about a trio of women trying to make it on their own in Indianapolis. And if you can make it there, you can make it in, well, places a lame as Indianapolis.
Link: When did "One Day at a Time" jump the shark?
|
|
2. KISS LIP SYNCHING
|
|
The Skinny: The closing ceremonies of the 2002 Winter Olympics proved to me that no one was safe from ridicule. For almost 30 years, KISS had remained cool to me, despite spandex, clown paint, relationships with Cher, songs about 16-year-old girls, 12 greatest hits albums, four farewell tours, 19 guitarists and the dicso beat in "I Was Made for Loving You." Then came the lip sync of "Rock 'N' Roll All Night" in Salt Lake City and I tossed my Paul Stanley guitar pick out my 11th floor window.
|
|
1. MARTHA STEWART LIVING IN MEN'S ROOM
|
|
The Skinny: There is a phony in my office. A fraud. A fake. Someone who has been pretending to me someone he's not. There it was, sitting on the floor of stall No. 1 at work: a shiny, new copy of "Martha Stewart Living," the magazine for decorating and baking enthusiasts everywhere. It was the most shameful thing I have ever seen, and a full-scale investigation has been ordered.
Link: Martha Stewart/Star Trek nerd combo site
|
RANDOM WEIRDNESS
* My Toenail and Fingernail Collection — The most disgusting site I've ever linked to: one man's collection of 80% of his fingernails and toenails since 1983. See pictures of him licking a whole bunch. Do not view this site on a full stomach.
* Naomi's Celebrity Lookalikes — I never get tired of this topic. Take a phony Tiger Woods out to your country club and beat his ass. Dirty dance with a phony Patrick Swayze (or just beat his ass, as well). Pick up cross-dressing hookers with a faux Eddie Murphy, and have a gay 'ol time with Bette, Elton and Madonna.
* Y2Khai: One Loc'd Out Asian — The living version of Crank Yankers' Moo Shoo (he no wigger; he chigger), Khai is a combination of "Weird" Al Yankovic and the guy from "They Call Me Bruce." And when he play joke, he do pee pee in your Coke. (Thanks, Robbie)
* Joe Rogan Experiences Extreme Elvis — The "Fear Factor" host, who runs a pretty good website, shares pictures from an event that celebrates Elvis as he left us: fat, disgusting and naked.
* What Are the Odds of Dying? — The National Safety Council reports on the lifetime odds of meeting your maker via various manners of accident or injury. You have a 1-in-197 chance of being murdered. You have a 1-in-344 chance of being poisoned to death. And the Red Sox have a 1-in-9,765,322 chance of ever winning a World Series again.
* World Sexual Records — Everything you ever wanted to know about the size of a blue whale's vagina (6-to-8 feet), the world's oldest mother (63 yr., 9 mo.), youngest grandfather (29), cheapest hookers (28 cents) and largest human penis (mine) but were afraid to ask.
* Austin Powers Audio — Tons of .wav files for fans of the AP trilogy. I just saw Goldmember, my first movie in half a year. It wasn't as funny as one episode of Crank Yankers.
* 10 Things You Don't Know About Women — Thanks, Esquire. Now how about following up with the 879 other things we don't know about women, including why they are all clinically insane.
GUYCRITICAL.COM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
A guy who portends to know nothing about women, but everything about the better sex answers one question a week from anonymous women using the GuyCritical.com service.
|
QUESTION: How can you tell when someone is interested and just not being friendly? Any signs?
|
|
First of all, guys are interested 90 percent of the time, so the first sign that he wants to get with you is that he's breathing. Apart from the customary staring at the rack, body positioning is also a tell. If a guy is standing so that he's in your view, it could be that he's trying to get your eye. Or maybe the Yanks are bashing someone's brains in on a TV set directly above your head. But enough with the high school mind games. Take action. Compliment his shirt, shoes, whatever. Tell a story about going out with your other single friends. Mention a few places you like to visit around town and see if he likes the same. The result: the guy knows you're interested in him, you're single and like his style — and he knows where to take you on a date. It's the perfect plan.
Visit GuyCritical.com and sign up to answer questions from chicks >>>
|
THE SPORTSDESK
* The Sports Guy's best football video game players ever — Bill Simmons and I are in complete agreement about the best football player in video game history: the Nintendo Tecmo Bowl badass known at Syracuse University, Brewster Hall, Floor 5 as Nasty Bo, the incomparable, incredible, fast-as-a-mutha, toss-your-defenders-off-the-screen, guess-his-running-play-on-every-down ... the Los Angeles Raiders' Bo Jackson. Lawrence Taylor sacked the QB 89% of the time and blocked every kick, and he still wasn't jack compared to Nasty Bo, a player that made us have to ban kids from "being" the Raiders.
* Little League World Series shouldn't be bigger than life — CNNSI.com's Jon Wertheim is right on the money: anything that turns a baseball game among 12-year-olds into a media circus is not healthy.
* Women sprinters who have sex shortly before competing run better — And this is why, in my next life, I will come back as a European track coach.
* ESPN.com Top 10: Best NFL Teams Ever — Favors more modern teams than Dr. Z's column on the same subject. Again, the 1986 Giants get no love, even though they'd be No. 1 on a list of Best NFL Teams Whose Star Linebacker Never Played Sober.
* Colorado player who provided minors with alcohol leaves program — I guessed the details before I even read it: he was entertaining recruits (and probably doing what he was told). and since he's not a starter, he gets the boot. College football is so predictable.
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE
* 9/11 Newspaper Covers — A collection of front pages on Sept. 12, 2001.
* The mystery of Flight 93 — Let the who-shot-JFK-like independent studies into the fate of the plane that crashed in Shanksville, Penn. begin. The local coroner's death certificates read "murdered" for the 40 passengers and crew; "suicide" for the four terrorists.
* Toby Keith's 9/11 song puts him on top of the charts — Slate writes about the two-fisted 9/11 anthem "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)." Seriously, how can you not laugh at this lyric: "Cause we'll put in a boot in your ass. It's the American way."
* America, Be Angry — The National Review Online's Rod Dreher says this is no time to get over 9/11. Amen. This is no time to pat ourselves on the back for using the credit card and going to Disney Land. I'm still pissed.
* Amid terror, a drastic decision: Clear the skies — The USA Today takes a comprehensive look at the FAA's decision-making on Sept. 11. They were, of course, the first to know that America was under attack.
* 9/11 anniversary observances can rekindle hope — An assistant clinical professor of psychiatry recommends actively observing this anniversary, presenting a four-point case that we will benefit from from what is sure to be an uneasy time.
* Esquire's Sept. 11 Photos — Incredibly moving images from the day.
THE NEWSDESK
* 'Opie & Anthony' fans busted for having sex in St. Patrick's Cathedral — Trying to rack up 30 points in a public-sex-for-prizes, a woman kneels at the altar and begs for mercy. Newly added: my apartment, worth 100 points. (Thanks, Cory)
* Lizzie Grubman to get 90 days in jail for mowing 16 people down in Southhampton. Bitch.
* NASA loses contact with $160 million spacecraft — U.S.: Let's spend $160 million to get pictures of a comet. Other countries: Make me doubles.
* Woman killed after leaping into Thai crocodile pit — Life got you down? Get a Snickers. Or jump into a vat of 100 crocodiles that will tear the hell out of you.
THE WEEKLY LADIES
* The Century Club — The bad news is that the site hasn't updated since 2000. The good news is that they left up the bikini contest pictures.
* Kerri — Looks a lot like our friend Cowgirl Haley. I'd like to see them both in the same place.
* Kaylee Tanner — A Canadian born model who is "available for photoshoots all over the world."
* Storm and Birdsey's Homemade Bikini Contest — So economical, and so skimpy.
NEXT WEEK
I'm not sure yet what I'll do next week.
Send your link suggestions now.
PARTING SHOT
So what's scarier, the trigger or the butt plug?
(Thanks, Gideon)
THE ARCHIVE
Missed a week of PaulKatcher.com? Shame on you.
Hit the archive and see what you missed.
Recent issues include Spring Break, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Before that we (un)covered Mardi Gras 2002.
|
