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This week's interview is with everyone's favorite bar owner/psychopath, Mark from Who's on First
Suck it, Sosa, you 'roid-raging freak
"That's the last time you take my 'roids, mother fucker!"
This is the same paper that shocked Wallace Matthews by spreading rumors about Mike Piazza
One of three Icy Hot Stuntaz
Follow the exploits of guidos like these at NJguido.com
What kid didn't grow up with his own Koko B. Ware doll?
Who doesn't like ninjas? Me, for one
Smokin' hot Alyssa Milano shows off one of her many tattoos
Lisa Menuto
The best thing in Kansas since SU kicked the Jayhawks' asses in the 1996 Elite Eight
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NYC LINKS
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MurphGuide.com — A daily guide to bar specials and events
Who's on First — Upper East Side bar with superstars Chaundra and Liani on Thursday nights
Mr. Hipster — Hands-down the wittiest bar and restaurant reviews in the city. If the Mr. Hipster hasn't reviewed it, it's not worth going to.
NYCBP.com — If you pick your bar depending on what hot bartenders are working, this is your resource.
NetworkingGirl — Christan's always organizing events for NYC singles to get in bed with each other. Go see what she's got going on this week. Also see her Singles of the Week.
NYsolo.com — Coordinates activities for busy New Yorkers. Use "Molly McMillan" as reference.
Dodgeball — NYCers rate bars and post reviews — and without the bridge-and-tunnel reviews that infect CitySearch.
* Got an NYC-centric site to plug? Let me know.
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Inspiration for this week's topic came from no further than my coffee table: The Century, a 20th century history book by Peter Jennings and Todd Brewster. Here are 10 events that I feel not only shaped the 1900s, but have long-lasting effects into the new millennium.
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10. THE LAUNCH OF PLAYBOY MAGAZINE
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What Happened: In 1953, Chicago pervert Hugh Hefner pays $500 for the rights to nude photos of Marilyn Monroe. He puts 'em in a magazine with pages that will be stuck together within two days.
Net Effect: Burgeoning tissue company Kleenex goes from owning only a 2% share in the billion dollar paper products industry to dominating the market with 78% by 1979. There is also a population explosion of blind men with hairy palms.
Link: Ex Playboy Bunnies web site
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9. HENRY FORD MASS PRODUCES MODEL T
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What Happened: Much like Orlando now mass produces bubble gum pop bands, Detroit was the place where Henry Ford began churning out Model T cars in 1908. A few states away, in Jersey City, N.J., Henry's guido brother Rocco opened the country's first pinstriping shop, where he mass produced fuzzy dice.
Net Effect: Ford revolutionized two industries: manufacturing and transportation. But he's dead now, so who cares?
Link: Dice 'n' Stuff online shop
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8. PAUL KATCHER BORN IN BRONX, N.Y.
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What Happened: In the early morning of Feb. 28, 1973, a baby was cut from his mother's womb, soaked in amniotic fluid and attached to a placenta. Gross.
Net Effect: After only a few days, this baby had mastered the beer funnel, pledged allegiance to the Yankees and unleashed plans for a 21st century web site that would feature dominatrix clowns and 8-year-old bodybuilders.
Link: See what else happened on Feb. 28
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7. "ONE DAY AT A TIME" CANCELLED
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What Happened: If a show about women's lib lasts nine seasons and no one ever laughs, did it really happen? That's the question that stumped scientists when this show was put out of OUR misery on Sept. 2, 1984.
Net Effect: Bonnie Franklin never worked again. Valeri Bertinelli never worked again. Makenzie Phillips never worked again. Pat Harrington, Jr. never worked again. You get the idea.
Link: Tim's TV Showcase: One Day at a Time
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6. GIANTS BEAT BILLS IN SUPER BOWL XXV
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What Happened: With Syracuse University teetering on unprecedented polarity in January 1991, Buffalo kicker Scott Norwood lined up to determine whether fans from the NYC metro area (Giants) or upstaters (Bills) would celebrate the end of the most thrilling Super Bowl ever. Wide right!
Net Effect: I cranked up "We Are the Champions," while the Bills began their dynasty of Super Bowl losses. And yes, I'd rather get there once and win than lose four in a row.
Link: ESPN.com Page 2's most memorable Super Bowl moments
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5. KISS ROCKS 'N' ROLLS ALL NIGHT
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What Happened: On Feb. 8, 1974, New Yorkers Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Peter Criss and Ace Frehley release their self-titled debut album, KISS, while dressed in spandex, clown paint and platform shoes. Most people rightfully called the cops.
Net Effect: Holy hell, the gimmick worked, and the band has managed to fleece its fans of every red penny. Coming in 2003: KISS' sixth greatest hits collection, its fourth tell-all book and fifth farewell tour. I'm still a huge fan.
Link: KISS Timelines: makeups, costumes, sets, etc.
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4. THE WORLD GOES ONLINE
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What Happened: In February 1994, Stanford University students David Filo and Jerry Yang launched a guide to web sites. By fall, Yahoo! had received its 100,000th unique visitor, 93.2 percent of whom had searched for porn.
Net Effect: The search-engine concept made billionaires out of Filo and Yang, who were keenly aware that most teens did not know any pornographers and could use some assistance in finding "the good stuff." A scant number of people have also used the web for tasks unrelated to masturbation.
Link: The History of Yahoo!
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3. RED SOX SELL BABE RUTH TO YANKEES
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What Happened: In winter 1919, Boston Red Sox owner Harry Frazee, needing money to finance his Broadway shows, sells his best player to the New York Yankees for four payments of $25,000 plus interest and a $300,000 loan. What a dipshit.
Net Effect: Since the trade, the Sox have won exactly jack squat, while the Bronx Bombers have claimed 26 Wold Series titles. Not only are Boston fans born losers, they die losers, too.
Link: Ruth No. 2 on ESPN's bogus SportsCentury list
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2. ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND
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What Happened: On July 21, 1969, Apollo 11 commander Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon, a far cry from my own life, in which I am too lazy to walk to the Chinese restaurant down the street. Delivery!
Net Effect: The U.S. had won the space race, granting us the right to spend $15 billion a year to get some nice photos of the sun. Is any other country even playing this game?
Link: NASA budget hits $15 billion for 2003
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1. D-DAY INVASION
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What Happened: With Hitler guarding France with 2,400 miles of obstacles called the Atlantic Wall, General Dwight Eisenhower sets into motion Operation Overload in the early morning darkness of June 6, 1944. The largest Armada in history assaults five beaches. By nightfall nearly all 175,000 men were ashore at a cost of 4,900 Allied casualties.
Net Effect: All that freedom you enjoy ... this is why.
Link: The National D-Day Museum in New Orleans
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RANDOM WEIRDNESS
* Icy Hot Stuntaz — Three pimply faced homies pose in front of their cars, wielding cell phones and making hand gestures that mean "general equivalency degree." Search Google for a bunch of parodies of these imbeciles. (Thanks, Ned)
* NJguido.com — A site that combines all the trash of the Jersey Shore: shirtless guys in sunglasses (indoors), horrible spellers, community college diplomas and a laughably high degree of naivete to what's cool. Seaside Heights club Temptations bills itself as "the hottest club in New York/New Jersey." Yeah, I'm sure there are a lot of red-rope clubs in Manhattan just dying to achieve the rep of a Jersey Shore shit bin.
* Crank Yankers Soundboard — Play sounds from my favorite TV show, including, "I want to go to Hawaii, yaaay!" and "That's your turd!"
* Types of Dumps — All your favorites are here: The Splash Back Dump, The Encore Dump, The Cling-On Dump. This is the kind of information they need to teach more of in health class.
* Men Without Hats Talent Search — You can dance if you want to with the guys who did "Safety Dance," but you must be able to play keyboards and sing — and not be a slob. I'm 0-for-3 there, but I think I'll apply anyway just to check out the tour dates in high school cafeterias.
* How Many of FHM's 100 Sexiest Have Tattoos? — Our good friends at The Vanishing Tattoo sent me photographic evidence that 22% percent of the world's 100 sexiest women have body art. Even goodie-goodies like Britney Spears and Julia Roberts. Jennifer Aniston and Gwenyth Paltrow have "rumored tattoos," which is my favorite kind.
* Fark's Top 25 Links — The all-time most-popular listings at the portal of daily ridiculousness. PaulKatcher.com comes in at No. 26.
* The Official Ninja Webpage — On this site, I learned that the purpose of the ninja is "to flip out and kill people." Better get Johnnie Cochran on the phone. (Thanks, Jim)
* '80s Flashback: World Wrestling Federation Toys — All your favorite stereotypes are here: the dumb hillbilly, the black guy who hangs out in junk heaps, the sadistic white man with a pet snake. Hey, where are the islanders with the hard-as-rocks heads and the Russians who despise America?
* MissGleny.com Wet Sweater Index — A Jersey Shore reveler takes to the Ocean dressed in a smile and winter clothing.
* Child Supermodels — A portal for female models between the ages of 7 and 16, in that creepy Jon-Benet Ramsey sorta mold. I'm so wigged out, I can't even click further than the home page.
* Playboy.com's Dirty Dozen: Bret Michaels — The Poison lead singer answers 12 questions about the only thing we care about in glam metal: the groupies. He answers "yes" to every "Have you ever..." question. I will practice my guitar for one extra hour tonight.
FULL DISCLOSURE
Interviews with fellow webmasters. Want to be interviewed? E-mail Paul.
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WhosNYC.com
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This week we chat with Who's on First co-owner Mark, a certifiable lunatic who is the only man I know who should be arrested for breathing. I've had some memorable drunken nights with Mark this year, as well as unmemorable drunken nights. If anyone at work smells liquor on my breath, it usually means I was out late at Who's.
Mark takes it upon himself to be the life of the party each night, mingling with the crowd, working the microphone from behind the bar and pouring shots off a big, black dildo. (I do not kid about such serious matters.) It makes paying the $5 cover to the midget at the door well worth it. He recently put his bar online to attract a wider audience than car thieves from Queens, and we checked in to see how it's going.
PK.com: Who gets more ass, a bar owner, a rock star or a toilet in Grand Central?
WHOSNYC.com: Oscar, my Peruvian barback.
READ ENTIRE INTERVIEW >>>
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GUYCRITICAL.COM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
A guy who portends to know nothing about women, but everything about the better sex answers one question a week from anonymous women using the GuyCritical.com service.
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QUESTION: Would you date a girl if she will not perform oral sex on you?
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Easiest question I have ever gotten: no way.
A lot of questions come through the service about whether or not their guy is weird if he will not reciprocate. They're definitely in the significant minority and will probably pay the price if they don't alter their tastes.
Visit GuyCritical.com and sign up to answer questions from chicks >>>
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THE SPORTSDESK
* MLB's Top 30 Moments — A remarkable multimedia experience from MLB.com (watch the three-minute long Kirk Gibson clip), but the list is a crock. Ichiro's 2001 season is in there and Don Denkinger's blown call in the '85 World Series is not? My ass. Dave Henderson's 1986 playoff homer deserves it over Clemente's 3,000th hit, and any of the following should have replaced Rickey Henderson's 939 steal: Ruth's called shot, Ruth's 60th in 1927, Bucky Dent's 1978 playoff homer. And I'm not taking any list seriously that includes Sachel Paige's 1971 Hall of Fame induction. (Bogus list.)
* Syracuse hoopster Williams falls asleep at his trial's final arguments — With his college career hanging in the balance, the Orangemen's potential leading returning scorer takes a 14-miniute nap, which is 41 minutes less than the snoozes I used to take in classes there.
* National fantasy football conference coming to Chicago — Hookers across the country are already making plans to meet up with what will be the largest collection of virgins on the planet.
* Best Damn Sports Show, Period: 32 Hottest Women in Sports — They're down to four: Jamie Salé, Sue Bird, Sasha Cohen and Andrea Nagy. I was down with Salé during the Olympics, but she'd better pose for Playboy soon or else I'm really gonna lose interest.
* Tom Verducci: The Milwaukee Embarrassment — Sports Illustrated's top baseball gun kills the All-Star Game, including the postgame party that "was unlike anything since the days of Marge Schott: brats, chips and cookies." One of the best free gigs I ever attended was the post-Home Run Derby party at Fenway in 1999 — an outdoor parking lot converted into a sea of free food, booze, carnival games and a Donna Summer concert.
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE
* Sept. 11 Television Archive — I may have linked to this before: An archive of scores of TV clips as aired the morning of Sept. 11. (Thanks, Dave)
* George Weld's Firsthand 9/11 Photos — A photojournal of on Manhattanite's morning of 9/11. A photo showing the blanket of smoke pouring across lower Manhattan makes me still wonder how more people outside of WTC did not die of stampede or smoke inhalation.
* The Political Compass — An online survey used to determine how left or right you lean on the political scale. My results were not surprising: slightly more left than right.
THE NEWSDESK
* Topless car wash a hit in Idaho — Road trip!
* Blind psychic gropes buttocks to see future — I see a few smacks in the face in his future.
* TV Guide names Jerry Springer worst show of all — Pray tell, how are there seven shows worse than Cop Rock? I never saw Still the Beaver, but it sounds pretty good from the title.
* Goat's birthmark boasts Dale Earnhardt's number — The owner has seen people take pictures and get tears in their eyes. I've seen New Yorkers read this article and laugh their asses off.
* Janet Reno to host Saturday Night Live-inspired dance party — The Florida gubernatorial candidate will host a fundraiser at Level, a trendy South Beach club, on July 19. I guess she's trying to secure the 1,000 Times More Attractive Than the Candidate vote.
* Christians pay for Jews to move to Israel — One man sees "the Scriptures being fulfilled right before our very eyes." I see a bunch of sheep.
THE WEEKLY LADIES
* Lisa Menuto — A Florida-based model who has just hit the PK.com radar. Associates have already secured an agreement with her to do an interview.
* BikiniGodess.com Bikini Contest — Glynda gets my vote. Well, she would if I actually bothered to vote.
* Photos: Club Rubber Finale — The last of the Club Rubber parties in Orange County. The scantily clad revelers will be missed. OK, not the guys.
* Women of Kansas University Calendar — Tons of pictures of gals patrolling the Lawrence, Kansas, campus. There's even a bunch of videos if you actually care about hearing their goals in life.
* Yahotties! — Pud of FuckedCompany.com fame has created a portfolio of babes from the fertile Yahoo! News photo feeds.
NEXT WEEK
I'm not sure yet what I'll do next week.
Send your link suggestions now.
THE ARCHIVE
Missed a week of PaulKatcher.com? Shame on you.
Hit the archive and see what you missed.
Recent issues include Spring Break, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Before that we (un)covered Mardi Gras 2002.
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