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I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I puke
Soccer fan. Aaahhh, just kill me!
A little tongue action. Very little, please
Dr. Lumpnick, the world's dumbest proctologist
Mark begs for forgiveness at the East Coast Bar Show
Surf's up for Sazzy
I wish she'd pull a Brett Favre and fall to the turf
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NYC LINKS
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MurphGuide.com — A daily guide to bar specials and events
Who's on First — Upper East Side bar with superstars Chaundra and Liani on Thursday nights
Mr. Hipster — Hands-down the wittiest bar and restaurant reviews in the city. If the Mr. Hipster hasn't reviewed it, it's not worth going to.
NYCBP.com — If you pick your bar depending on what hot bartenders are working, this is your resource.
NetworkingGirl — Christan's always organizing events for NYC singles to get in bed with each other. Go see what she's got going on this week. Also see her Singles of the Week.
NYsolo.com — Coordinates activities for busy New Yorkers. Use "Molly McMillan" as reference.
Dodgeball — NYCers rate bars and post reviews — and without the bridge-and-tunnel reviews that infect CitySearch.
* Got an NYC-centric site to plug? Let me know.
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I'm not a paranoid person, but there are times when I feel like Yossarian in "Catch-22" — Is everyone around here crazy but me?
Steffi Graf is attractive? Mobsters are cool? The World Cup is worth getting up at 5 a.m. to watch? Not in my book. Presenting some things I'd place in the "overrated" bin.
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MUSIC CRITICS
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Fantasy: People who know more about music than you do
Reality: Is there anything more personal than the kind of music you like? So why care about what someone else thinks? More than anything else, music is about feeling and emotion, and if it hits the right buttons for you, it's good. I'm none too concerned with whether the guy at Rolling Stone feels the same way.
Link: 2001 Worst Excuse for a Musical Artist(s)
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STEFFI GRAF
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Fantasy: Leggy blonde with cash money
Reality: Are you telling me that those legs are sexy enough to offset Gonzo's schnoz? I'm not buying it. For years men have wished have she'd pose for Playboy. Sheesh, wasn't seeing Chyna naked enough torture?
Link: ESPN.com Page 2's Readers' list: Classic Sexiest Athletes
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RELIGION
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Fantasy: The right way to live your life
Reality: The right way to live your life ... maybe. If there are 1,000 religions out there, 999 are wrong, so forgive me if I don't know whether to molest children, blow up Jews or burn Hindus. Count me out.
Link: William F. Buckley, Jr.: So You Want a Holy War?
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DRUNK WOMEN
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Fantasy: She's kinda cute and totally cool
Reality: She's the same below-average-looking girl with the fat butt who bumped into you three hours ago and didn't warrant a second glance. Only this time around her breath smells worse, her eyes are crossed and your standards got flushed down the urinal
Link: How Many Would it Take?
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NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL
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Fantasy: The perfect American sports team: good guys, good grades, top-tier athletes
Reality: The Irish have not won a bowl game in nine seasons, thanks in no small part to this fact: THEY SUCK. Despite two losing seasons in the last three years, NBC pumps each of its games — including the gimmies against the service academies — as Games of the Century. More like last century.
Link: Reports: Leading rusher Julius Jones dismissed from Notre Dame
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MOBSTERS
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Fantasy: Robin Hoods in pinstripes who commit crimes against only their own
Reality: Thugs who undermine America's system of justice and government, strongarm your uncle's small business, hike up construction fees and increase your taxes by requiring more law enforcement
Link: Top 50 Mobsters of All-Time
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WORLD CUP
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Fantasy: The ultimate in sport, a global obsession
Reality: The same boring soccer we're used to, only with a larger TV audience. Face it, people would watch a tiddlywinks tournament if fans of fans of both the winning and losing teams would overturn cars afterward.
Link: TIME's Joel Stein: The Rest-of-the-World Cup
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RANDOM WEIRDNESS
* Accidental Video Game Porn Archive — I don't remember ever getting aroused while playing BurgerTime, but I guess I should have paid closer attention. (Thanks, Brad)
* NYCBP.com Bachelor Party Guide — A Murder's Row of party animals — Mark, Belladonna and Kevin — share tips on everything from what to do to how to book a location and silicone-enhanced talent. Preppy white guys definitely need to read it and learn it.
* Best Cities for Singles — Forbes has New York at an unusually low No. 11, thanks to rankings of 40 (out of 40) for job growth and 39 for cost of living single. Fine, but what about all the ecstasy and S&M clubs we have?
* How to Remove a Bra (Without Injuring Yourself) — A public-service message from The Sun. I just keep scissors near the bed. (Thanks, Brad)
* Playboy.com Contest: Vegas Vacation — Enter to win a trip for four to Sin City, including dinner with Playmates. Takes but a minute. The winner gets a story that lasts a lifetime.
* How to Have Sex With a Dolphin — As a follow-up to a story on a sexually charged dolphin targeting humans, we present a guide to hooking up with said mammals, including a explanation on the difference between zoophilia and bestiality. Pass the barf bag, please. (Thanks, Joe)
* Arcada, Calif. Police Log — Not only do the coppers in this small town toss you in the slammer, but they rag on you publicly. I love it. (Thanks, Motoxgodess)
* Buy Your Fetal Pigs Here! — Perfect for when you just want to kick back, pour a glass of wine and cut a pig to shreds. (Thanks, Martin)
* North American Tiddlywinks Association — For those not cool enough for the chess club.
FULL DISCLOSURE
Interviews with fellow webmasters. Want to be interviewed? E-mail Paul.
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SomeIdiot.com
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SomeIdiot.com is one of the all-time e/n sites (everything/nothing), a genre that preceded camgirls, blogs and the rest of the current popularity-seeking online ventures. e/n sites came complete with links to video of bicycle accidents, photos of drunks and links to news about served penises. And did we mention the porn? Along the way someone figured out that posting photos of "authentic" naked cheerleaders drew more traffic than exploded heads. And some really got carried away, acting like Bob Guccione with an FTP server.
SomeIdiot.com juggled these talents as well as any site, becoming a team project along the way. This week we talk to the head Idiot about the history of his site, the endangered e/n scene in general and his site's mention on the Howard Stern show.
PK.com: How many women have sent you pictures of themselves naked in order to get promotion from SomeIdiot.com
SOMEIDIOT.com: I never really got sent that many. I wasn't really into the whole fan sign thing but for a little while. I don't like to be on that bandwagon that everyone else is on. The way I see it, is if I never change, I'll eventually be alternative again. Everything comes full circle. I haven't changed much over the years. My traffic is always increasing so, I suppose something is right.
Read the entire interview >>>
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GUYCRITICAL.COM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
A guy who portends to know nothing about women, but everything about the better sex answers one question a week from anonymous women using the GuyCritical.com service.
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QUESTION: My husband masturbates A LOT! He doesn't think I know, but I have seen him doing it, or evidence of it. We have sex 1-2 times a week. Is that not enough? Is he some kind of pervert or sex addict?
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If married couples have sex only 1-2 times a week, you'll never see me buying a diamond ring. If you want to rid your husband's penchant for spending some quality time with the purple-headed custard chucker, you'll have to give him a hand (or what have you) in hitting his climax quota for the week, which I would assume is around 4-10 times a week. I don't think there's a man alive who can get through an entire week with one orgasm — which is another reason to stay out of prison.
Visit GuyCritical.com and sign up to answer questions from chicks >>>
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JOHN GOTTI, DEAD CRIMINAL
I never looked up to thugs, cheats or criminals, and so I never gave a crap about John Gotti. Free fireworks shows be damned, I don't like paying extra taxes in order to protect fellow citizens from being strongarmed.
* NY Times Obituary — A lengthy piece that puts the focus on his many criminal activities, not quotes from doting guidos in Brooklyn and Staten Island.
* Neighbor Paid for Death of Son — The New York Daily News reports on the disappearance of Gotti's neighbor who killed his 12-year-old son in a car accident. Accident. The neighbor's disappearance was not. That is not justice. That's murder.
* Journalist Is Tortured, Slain by Rio Drug Lord — And now the alternative to hunting down organized crime bosses — a ruthless, uncivilized existence.
THE SPORTSDESK
* Videos: Maradonna's best goals — Watch the little coke junkie take a ball from behind midfield and score against England in 1986, which is considered one of the greatest goals in World Cup history. I still think Bo Jackson could have done that with his eyes closed.
* South Korean soccer fan burned critically in suicide attempt — Imagine what Red Sox fans would do if they ever won anything. Ever.
* Bill Walton, Broadcasting Genius — Slate says that the NBA's most hated announcer is also its best. That's what I've been trying to tell you people all along.
* Odds to win Super Bowl — Best value on the board: Buccaneers 15/1 (See cheerleaders). The worst: Browns: 20/1.
* Greg Colbrunn's brother sentenced to 25 years for beating trick-or-treater — I saw the Arizona's Diamondbacks' first baseman play (and lose) last Monday night. I didn't know this was hanging over his head.
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE
As I sat with my family for Father's Day in a Pelham, N.Y., restaurant, I looked over to see a tall, white-haired man at a nearby table. The last time I'd seen him he'd eulogized his son, my high school classmate and a victim of 9/11. What a Father's Day this must have been. Jolts of perspective like that should not go to waste.
* WTC design concept — A very ambitious idea from an architect that makes the World Trade Center look like something out of the Jetsons. I guess Spacely Sprockets would get the top floor of one building and Coswell's Cogs gets the other.
* Body of missing Mad magazine reporter found in Blecchistan — The Onion finds humor in terror. I guess I did, too.
THE NEWSDESK
* Castration 'doctor' committed no crime? — Detroit: the home of Motown, the Stanley Cup champs and a refrigerator full of testicles.
* Getting mom onto Internet a Sisyphean ordeal — Another gem from The Onion, including this observation: "And one time, she paged me because she got a message about accepting cookies. She was all freaked out because now she thought she was being charged for actual cookies."
* Fake MP3s pop up on file-sharing networks — It seems record companies are playing hardball by littering the P2P networks with bogus files that are named as though they're legit.
THE WEEKLY LADIES
* ChromeGlamour.com Girl: Chele — She's from upstate New York, which is shocking, because I spent four years at Syracuse University and never met any locals better looking than Alf.
* Sazzy Lee Vega — You know her as the leather-clad video vixen for the KottonMouth Kings. All right, well now you do.
* East Coast Bar Show — While I was at Yankee Stadium watching Shane Spencer drill a grand slam to beat the Diamondbacks, NYCBP.com's Kevin Fitzpatrick was at the Jacob Javitz Center taking pictures of booth bunnies. Good man.
* Ring Card Girlz — Now I'm not saying that parading in front of boxing fans with a big, cardboard "3" above your head isn't a good career move. Wait, maybe I am.
NEXT WEEK
We'll follow up Most Overrated with its drunk cousin, Most Underrated.
Send your link suggestions now.
THE ARCHIVE
Missed a week of PaulKatcher.com? Shame on you.
Hit the archive and see what you missed.
Recent issues include Spring Break, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Before that we (un)covered Mardi Gras 2002.
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