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Ozzy settles the love triangle between himself, Kermit and Miss Piggy
And the award for Outstanding Performance From a Crotchety Old Woman goes to ...
Available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs ... for $500/hour
Bush's FBI re-org includes a post for the Iowa Pork Queen
The last guy who pinched her ass hasn't been heard from in nine years
Don't laugh, Mike Tyson got up and cashed an $18 million check
I don't even want to know who he sees in the crowd
Nell McAndrew
Urinal.net — the site's a pisser
Short people have big reason to smile at Who's on First
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NYC LINKS
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MurphGuide.com — A daily guide to bar specials and events
Who's on First — Upper East Side bar with superstars Chaundra and Liani on Thursday nights
Mr. Hipster — Hands-down the wittiest bar and restaurant reviews in the city. If the Mr. Hipster hasn't reviewed it, it's not worth going to.
NYCBP.com — If you pick your bar depending on what hot bartenders are working, this is your resource.
NetworkingGirl — Christan's always organizing events for NYC singles to get in bed with each other. Go see what she's got going on this week. Also see her Singles of the Week.
NYsolo.com — Coordinates activities for busy New Yorkers. Use "Molly McMillan" as reference.
Dodgeball — NYCers rate bars and post reviews — and without the bridge-and-tunnel reviews that infect CitySearch.
* Got an NYC-centric site to plug? Let me know.
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Hair. We all have it. Though some of us just don't know what to do with it.
Here's proof...
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The COMBOVER
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Description: Guys that are bald only on top grow out one side so that it can be combed over the top to hide the chrome dome. The result: no one is fooled. And I can only imagine what this looks like in the shower.
Can Be Spotted At: Most horse racing establishments
Link: Tribute site to combovers
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The TOUPEE
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Description: Rugs aren't just for floors anymore. For pennies per square yard, you can affix one of these babies to your head. Or just go out to the backyard, shoot a squirrel and glue it on after the blood dries.
Can Be Spotted At: The place where I rented my prom tuxedo. On the heads of Marv Albert, Ted Koppel and Sam Donaldson.
Link: Wigs, hairpieces and toupees for men
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The KENNY ROGERS
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Description: Nobody embraces going gray like Kenny Rogers, and the Gambler has his own set of clones. No matter that these guys like look a white-haired ewoks, the style is becoming more and more popular.
Can Be Spotted At: Bait and tackle shops
Link: Men who look like Kenny Rogers
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The FLOWBEE
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Description: Save time and money by vacuuming your head ... just like movie stars do! As seen on TV — and laughed at by millions — Flowbee is an essential hair care product for white trash.
Can Be Spotted At: The closets of trailer homes
Link: Flowbee Online
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The FARRAH
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Description: Long, curly blonde hair flowing down the back of one of the hottest bods in the go-go '70s. This was well before she went crazy, so plenty of gals copies her style, just like the did the lovely Bea Arthur around the time of World War I.
Can Be Spotted At: '70s retro clubs
Link: Farrah Fawcett pictures
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The BEDHEAD
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Description: Spotted atop those waking up from a 12-hour drinking binge, this rat's nest can only be killed in the shower. But since aspirin, water and a pleading with roommates to not share details take precedence, the bedhead rears its ugly head way longer than it should.
Can Be Spotted At: My beach house around 9 a.m. Sundays
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The MULLET
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Description: The hairstyle you love to hate, the mullet is a veritable dynamic duo — business in the front; party in the back. Even though every mullet-sporting dolt is a potential victim of a web site parody, there seems to be no stopping carnies and fans of Dale Earnhardt Jr. from letting the good times roll in the back.
Can Be Spotted At: KISS concerts and motor sports events
Link: Mullet classifications
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RANDOM WEIRDNESS
* The Herd of Star Wars Nerds — Watch a 10-minute video of Triumph the Dog going to town on the dorks who waited in line for "Attack of the Clones" at the Zigfeld theater in NYC.
* Urinal.net — The best place to piss away time online, this site combines photos and news about urinals all over the world. Among the top 10 urinals are those in the historic McSorley's in New York. (Thanks, Marty)
* Am I Fugly or Not? — The answer, for most of these freaks of nature: Hell, yes. (Thanks, Jodi)
* The Irritating Fish — Big Mouth Billy Bass' estranged cousin belts out a tune for you. (Thanks, Brad)
* Crank Yankers — Sample some prank calls from Comedy Central's new show, featuring Dave Chappelle, whom I saw live a few years back. Funniest comic I've ever seen, including Chris Rock.
* Roger's Profanisaurus — A dictionary of amusing euphemisms for the sexual organs, sexual activities and bodily functions, including chocolate iceberg, lip ring, and beef curtains. (Thanks, Brad)
* How to Attract & Date Asian Women — A course offered by the Learning Annex right here in NYC includes 11 things you should never say to an Asian lady. (Insert insensitive joke here.)
* Sex and the Single Superhero — Slate examines the lack of sex drive common among Spider-Man, Superman and Star Wars Jedis. Hey, don't forget about their fans.
* Popcorn Fork — Sounds like a Cosmo Kramer invention, but it's real. Real stupid. (Thanks, Andrew)
FULL DISCLOSURE
Interviews with fellow webmasters. Want to be interviewed? E-mail Paul.
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SportsByBrooks.com
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What do you get when you run a site that focuses on sports, babes and beer? For starters, you get an e-mail from me saying, "Please do an interview for my stupid-ass site."
This week, we chat with SportsByBrooks.com maestro Brooks, who updates daily with news not already mentioned on SportsCenter and, more importantly, posts pictures of fake-breasted L.A. hotties wearing his cutoff shirts. Let see what's up on the left coast...
PK.com: You know how NBC drums up the annual Notre Dame-USC game as "a continuation of one of the most storied rivalries in sports?" Is that a load of crap or what?
SPORTSBYBROOKS.com: Yeah, it's pretty much dead at this point. SC football has been on the wane for awhile and we all know about the decline of ND football. My whole family went to ND and now I work with the USC flagship in L.A. so it's cool to be in the middle of it. For the schools and players it's still a special game but it's importance has faded from view on the landscape of college football.
Read the entire interview >>>
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GUYCRITICAL.COM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
A guy who portends to know nothing about women, but everything about the better sex answers one question a week from anonymous women using the GuyCritical.com service.
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QUESTION: If you go home with a guy you don't know well and you don't "deliver the goods" is that being a tease?
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When guys walk girls home and get the call up to the big leagues, we're digging into the batter's box, ready to swing for the fences. We'll settle for a double off the wall, but we're not going home happy if you give us an intentional walk. Just making out was fine for the Milwaukee nerds on on Happy Days, but we're not looking for an Inspiration Point-type atmosphere at your place. And no matter what we say, we didn't come up to see your cat, Beanie Baby collection or artwork.
Now, that's if we find you to be a one-nighter. Which is nothing to be ashamed of. But I always suggest going slower with someone with longterm potential to avoid the sobered-up guilt that could run things early.
Finally and most seriously, you never have to anything you don't want to do.
Visit GuyCritical.com and sign up to answer questions from chicks >>>
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THE SPORTSDESK
* 10 Burning Questions for ... Bill Walton — I was too young to remember him play, but Big Red remains one of my all-time favorite sports people — maybe No. 1. Among his opinions: Kareem was better than Magic, Larry and Michael, life is all about growth, and earning a spot as NBC's lead analyst was the greatest accomplishment of his life.
* 10 Burning Questions for ... Jim Bouton — The author of the baseball classic "Ball Four" is also one of my all-timers. A thinking man's athlete, this guy exposed hypocrisy among major leaguers, breaking down myths of America's supposed heroes.
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE
* Architects suggest ideas for rebuilding and memorializing the WTC — See pictures of how the future World Trade Center site could look. I would like to see a vibrant, diverse commercial area for art, music, writing and crafts surrounding a peaceful park for people to discuss ideas, culture and freedom.
* Build Them Back! — Ann Coulter sees skyscrapers as "monuments to human brilliance and creativity" and wants to see us give terrorists the biggest F-U we can, in the form of New York's tallest buildings.
THE NEWSDESK
* 'Black Hawk Down' video game planned for holidays — I was just thinking today that were will, someday, be a movie about 9/11, just as there are for Pearl Harbor and the sinking of the Titanic. No event of any magnitude is safe from commercialization.
* Dolphin luring swimmers off for sex — I've seen some hard-up whales as NASCAR events, but nothing like this.
* We'd rather die than take our clothes off, disaster planners say — Possibly the only perk of biological attack: The most effective means of decontamination is removal of clothing. Though the thought of Tom Daschle naked pretty much turns my stomach.
* Woman loses case over 'bin Laden' hairstyle — Wait till she gets the Arafat facelift.
* Fingertip found in Japan rice ball — And get this: They didn't even charge extra.
* Arafat offers cabinet posts to Hamas — One giant leap (back) for mankind.
* Who was she to kill herself? — A wheelchaired insurance salesman contemplates the suicide of someone whose rates had been raised. A very thoughtful piece from Salon.
THE WEEKLY LADIES
* Nell McAndrew — I think she's the Lara Croft of Great Britain or something. Whatever. She's hot. More.
* Who's on First Photos — A new batch of photos from the Upper East Side's craziest bar are up for your viewing pleasure. All the staples are there: hos, midgets and black dildos. If you missed Pasties Night last Thursday, you missed Chaundra and Liani at their hottest.
* Pick the Hottie: Top 20 Gals — Time to take another look at who rules the charts. My favorite of the bunch is hosted on a Match.com server, which means she's single. (Or a pig is pretending to be her.)
NEXT WEEK
I might do "Things That Are Overrated." I could use some help with that one.
Send your link suggestions now.
THE ARCHIVE
Missed a week of PaulKatcher.com? Shame on you.
Hit the archive and see what you missed.
Recent issues include Spring Break, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Before that we (un)covered Mardi Gras 2002.
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