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No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions ... again
One-of-a-kind rock star party gear...
... or maybe not
Bald chicken, coming to a freezer near you
Honeygirl participates in this week's PK.com interview
The debut album from Spitney Beers
Sports by Brooks, but boobs by plastic surgeon
Skinemax star Catalina
Jennifer
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NYC LINKS
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Meet Single Women
Wednesday, May 29 at Turtle Bay. NetWorkingGirl's own version of Sex and The City. Two hours of Smirnoff-flavored cocktails for $8 at the door, starting at 7 p.m. Quick-and-easy RSVP required.
MurphGuide.com — A daily guide to bar specials and events
Who's on First — Upper East Side bar with superstars Chaundra and Liani on Thursday nights
Mr. Hipster — Hands-down the wittiest bar and restaurant reviews in the city. If the Mr. Hipster hasn't reviewed it, it's not worth going to.
NYCBP.com — If you pick your bar depending on what hot bartenders are working, this is your resource.
NYsolo.com — Coordinates activities for busy New Yorkers. Use "Molly McMillan" as reference.
Dodgeball — NYCers rate bars and post reviews — and without the bridge-and-tunnel reviews that infect CitySearch.
* Got an NYC-centric site to plug? Let me know.
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Holy hell, I had a tough time coming up with a topic this week, but I think the Hollywood stuff goes over well, so I came up with 10 people who deserve more respect for their work on the small screen.
If you don't want to see something as bad as this next week, e-mail me topic suggestions. Or instant message me — that's cool, too.
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10. PETER TOMARKEN, Host of Worst Game Show Ever
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Only war prisoner John McCain can claim to have suffered as much torture of the host of "Press Your Luck." To recreate the trill of this game, set up a trio of trailer park trash on your couch, award them turns at slamming a nuclear-war-alert button for knowing the first name of a president named Washington and patiently wipe the blood coming out your ears as they scream, "No whammies!" 4,000 times in 30 minutes. How did this man ever last?
Link: Whammy! The Press Your Luck Home Page
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9. JODIE SWEETIN, Full House Middle Sister
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The Olsen twins and Bob Saget get all the credit, but it was this sparkplug who made "Full House" the fall-on-the-floor laugh-a-thon it was. Oh, how close I came to busting a gut seemingly every minute with jokes about such tireless topics as phone bills, homework and science class. Wait, maybe it was "The Simpsons" that was actually funny.
Link: JodieSweetin.net — The Sweet Shop
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8. DAVE PRICE, Master Meteorologist
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He's often replaced by a 70-year-old grandmother doing a guest spot and is introduced as "Milhouse" by his own news colleagues, but the "Good Day New York" weatherman is the main reason not to watch "Today." The others are that stories on low-fat butter research are none too compelling, and the 200 or so cow-milkers holding signs outside NBC's Rockefeller Center studio make me want to gag.
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7. LEE ARENBERG, Seinfeld Agitator
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After being caught calling Jerry a phony in Seinfeld's "The Parking Space," Mike the bookie tried to cover it up with this exchange...
Mike: First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad,' it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.
Jerry: Use it in a sentence.
Mike: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony.
Link: Transcript of "The Parking Space"
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6. BOBBY HEENAN, Wrestling Legend
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Bobby "The Brain" will forever be known as the man who taught me the phrase "ham and egger," which means "ordinary person." I love using it, because there's no better way to put someone down than to point out his early morning habits. And "coffee, cigarettes and a big dump" takes too long to roll off the tongue.
Link: Bobby "The Brain" Heenan Quotes
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5. ANDY DICK, Funniest Guy on TV
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They say they TV doesn't do homo-erotic comedy like it used to, but "The Andy Dick Show" is proving that not to be true. Cross-dressing and prison scenes — the formula for any successful series — make their way into 90 percent of the skits. No topic is taboo, and the jokes are on the recovering-from-everything Andy to start, which makes his parodies less venomous — and even funnier — than others'.
Link: New Andy Dick Show video clips
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4. PHIL RIZZUTO, Yankees Homer
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So what if he called pop-ups to second base as if they were headed to the upper deck? The Scooter is the biggest Yankees fan ever, whose announcing on WPIX will always be a lasting memory of my childhood. That and all the cocaine I dealt in fifth grade to support my gambling habit. Life was rough on the mean streets of Pelham Manor.
Link: Phil Rizzuto Quotes
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3. FRANK BONNER, Radio Star
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Everyone gave the WKRP sales manager shit, but who do you think was making money for that joint? Not Mr. Carlson, that incompetent boob who kept his job only because his mother owned the radio station. Not Johnnie Fever, who was so damn stoned he couldn't recognize good rock music if it crawled up his ass. And certainly not Bailey, that red-hot assistant program director with the perfect body and the innocent look ... ah, Bailey...
Link: Transcript of "Real Families" Episode, Starring Herb Tarlek
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2. VIC TAYBACK, Lord of the Diner
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Pit stains and Popeye hat aside, Mel Sharples was a corned beef hash-slinging S.O.B. on "Alice." This badass served lukewarm coffee to Henry and didn't think twice about losing a potential 35-cent tab from that tool. And where do you think Flo got those spatula scars on her rear? Mel took charge, my friends.
Link: "Alice" Links
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1. SHERMAN HEMSLEY, Dry Cleaner Extraordinaire
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Who's the genius who made "The Jeffersons" a comedic classic? (Here's a hint: It wasn't those dolts Bentley, Tom or Ralph.) It was all Sherman, baby, the man who tricked us into thinking that dry cleaners could afford a full-time maid and that two-bedroom apartments were the shit in New York. Don't mess with a Navy boxer, especially when you come into his store with puke on your coat.
Link: Listing for $30 Million Apartment for Sale in NYC
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RANDOM WEIRDNESS
* Orgasmic Calculator — It ain't hard to press all the right buttons here.
* The Onion catches up with Screech — You saw him kick the snot out of Horshack on "Celebrity Boxing." Now find out about Dustin Diamond's obsession with the bass guitar, what it's like to autograph a baby and his movie work with Urkel. (Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess)
* Silly CDs trading cards — Those who remember Wacky Packages are going to experience a flashback when they see supposed album covers for Spitney Beers, Bruce Stinkjeans and BLT (which is not the most sensitive tribute to Lisa Lopes I have ever seen).
* Game week in review: Gary Coleman goes 'Postal' — The little big man will be the first celebrity to star as himself in a video game; in one banned in 10 countries nonetheless. (See pics.)
* Why do men have trouble urinating at ballparks? — Slate investigates the phenomenon of "choking at the bowl."
* Famous Mullets — A photo collection of guys who sported mullets and still got laid all the time.
* Freedom Ship — Freedom Ship International, Inc. proposes to build a mobile floating city at sea. (Thanks, SomeIdiot)
* Iskip.com — A site dedicated to doing away "with the unspoken rule that says adults don't skip and are encouraging everyone to add more 'random acts of playfulness' to their lives." Help me.(Thanks, Kim)
* Bellybutton Lover's Page — This chick has pictures of 'em all: her belly, famous bellies, innie bellies, outie bellies. Bellies, bellies, bellies!!!
* Top 10 Puke Scenes — E! Online ranks the chunkiest, smelliest, most vomitacious upchucks in movie history. Should've caught me in the audience of "Crouching Tiger: Hidden Dragon"
FULL DISCLOSURE
Interviews with fellow webmasters. Want to be interviewed? E-mail Paul.
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Honeygirlx.com
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Who says blondes have more fun? Honeygirl does. She also has more stories from Lake Havasu, more pictures of her rubbing Oreos on her body and more fans, now that you'll be visiting her after reading this interview.
PK.COM: You claim that the new Eminem album, is "hella bomb." Clue me in, 'cause I'm about as street as the Duke brothers in Trading Places. Is "hella bomb" good, like Richard Marx good?
HONEYGIRLX.COM: Who's Richard Marx? Was he ever cool?
Read the entire interview >>>
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Related Links:
GUYCRITICAL.COM QUESTION OF THE WEEK
A guy who portends to know nothing about women, but everything about the better sex answers one question a week from anonymous women using the GuyCritical.com service.
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QUESTION: Do you think it is OK for a woman to have no pubic hair by choice?
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The part of this question that scares me is "by choice." As far as I know, the only sexually active people who don't have a choice are Chernobyl victims and altar boys.
As with all questions I get asked, it depends on the guy, but most are going to appreciate that kind of grooming. And I've gotten a lot more porn spam mail that promoted shaved women than hairy Germans. So I guess that's one indication of what men prefer.
Whatever you gals do, at least make an effort. You saw how poorly us Americans performed in the jungles of Vietnam.
Visit GuyCritical.com and sign up to answer questions from chicks >>>
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THE SPORTSDESK
* Transcript of Mark Cuban's tirade against D magazine — The Dallas Mavericks' owner went ape shit over the mag's investigation into Cuban's dating life. Right on, man. Then the mag recoded his blistering phone call, in which he threatens to "slice your fucking nuts off." Folks, there are smarter things to do than to piss off a well-liked billionaire in the market you serve.
* CNNSI.com's NBA lottery mock draft — If recent history is any indication, Maryland's Chris Wilcox, predicted to go to the Knicks at No. 7, will never be heard from again.
* Various reactions to "Is Pizza Gay?" rumors — When a pro sports athletes does come out, I hope fans show as much courage as the player and confront any drunken blockheads in attendance lashing out "jokes." I've lived and worked in gay-heavy neighborhoods, have had gay bosses and friends and walked shirtless in Miami Beach and Key West — and no one even tried to "convert" me or touch me. Imagine that. Gay people might actually be normal.
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE
The reason why we're heavy on 9/11 content this week is three-fold:
- Engineering details concerning the stress and eventual collapse of the WTC towers are coming into focus
- Cleanup at the WTC officially ends May 30
- This is a different Memorial Day
* Fighting to Live as the Towers Died — The long lead story from this past Sunday's New York Times is a powerful and haunting chronicle of the final 102 minutes of the WTC, using information collected from interviews with the few who survived in floors above the strikes, as well as e-mail and phone correspondence with the doomed. As compelling as anything I have read on the subject.
* The Battle for Ground Zero — As clean-up finalizes, TIME looks at the political and personal struggles over the future of the area. Also: Sept. 11 memorial may fill half of WTC site
* Get Your War On cartoons — I've pointed to these very cynical — and very funny — comic strips before, but now there are 11 pages' worth of "war" on terrorism irony. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry. Sometimes, we do both.
* Liars, morons or both? Ted Rall's column charges that the Bush administration either lied about what they knew or was too stupid to act on it.
* What do Democrats know now? — Raging conservative Ann Coulter blasts liberals for opposing profiling in present times of terror threats, yet insinuating that the Bush administration could have done more to prevent 9/11.
* Pointing fingers at President Bush — Linda Chaves writes that Bush knew only what every other American president in the last 20 years did — that America would be attacked on its own soil. And if Bush had gone public with a warning in the summer of 2001, "he would have been accused of fear mongering or trying to win popularity by invoking "national security."
THE NEWSDESK
* Factual error found on Internet — The Onion breaks another earth-shattering story.
* 'Copy-proof' CDs cracked with 99-cent marker pen — The economics of content has changed forever. The emperor has no clothes and we will no longer pay $18 for a CD that costs next to nothing to produce.
THE WEEKLY LADIES
* Booth7.net Babe of the Month: Jennifer — This 22-year-old smoking-hot blonde lists her turn-ons as muscles, hairless chests and boobies. So I guess her ideal partner is Nicole Bass.
* Catalina Larranaga — An actress with credits in many late-night Cinemax movies. You know, the only reason anyone subscribes to Cinemax.
* SportsByBrooks Gigography — Brooks better get these girls some t-shirts that fit. Wait, maybe not.
NEXT WEEK
No clue at all what I'm doing next week.
Send your link suggestions now.
THE ARCHIVE
Missed a week of PaulKatcher.com? Shame on you.
Hit the archive and see what you missed.
Recent issues include Spring Break, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Before that we (un)covered Mardi Gras 2002.
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