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Happy 76th to the man who put Kleenex on the map
Bonham readies to take over the world in March 1990
Well, I have my Halloween costume already picked out
Celine Dion looking as sexy as ever
Get this man a Subway sandwich pronto
The pubic hair museum hits the road again
Tourists pay the Naked Cowboy to put his smelly shoes back on
Nicole Eggert, one of my all-time faves
Party time at Club Rubber
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NYC THIS WEEK
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Deep River Meltdown is back in the city playing great original rock music April 13 at Kenny's Castaway on Bleeker Street. I'll be in the audience, for sure.
Sean of MurphGuide.com has some summer shares available in the Hamptons and Jersey Shore. I'll be drinking my face off in Manasquan, N.J.
Who's on First — Upper East Side bar with superstars Chaundra and Liani on Thursday nights
Mr. Hipster — Hands-down the wittiest bar and restaurant reviews in the city. If the Mr. Hipster hasn't reviewed it, it's not worth going to.
NYCBP.com — If you pick your bar depending on what hot bartenders are working, this is your resource.
NetworkingGirl — Christan's always organizing events for NYC singles to get in bed with each other. Go see what she's got going on this week.
Dodgeball — NYCers rate bars and post reviews — and without the bridge-and-tunnel reviews that infect CitySearch.
* Got an NYC-centric site to plug? Let me know.
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Tuesday, April 9 marks the 76th anniversary of the day a litte, bloody Hugh Hefner was pulled out of his mother's vagina. It's an event that will not go unnoticed on this site, because this week we (as in me) are ranking the greatest men of all time.
(The entire list will be posted in the message board, and you freaks can debate the worthiness of each.)
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8: Tom Wolfe, kickass author
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Contribution to Men-dom: The only guy who could wear a white suit without getting his ass kicked, Wolfe writes with a journalist's attention to detail and a novelist's flair. From "The Right Stuff" to "Bonfire of the Vanities" to "A Man in Full," Wolfe's books serve as an entertaining history lesson of the '60s, '80s and '90s.
Bibliography: Covers, synopses and excerpts of Wolfe's work
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7: Derek Jeter, jewelry collector
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Contribution to Men-dom: Six full seasons, four championship rings. Yeah, there's room for improvement, but I guess some other team has to win a couple of championships each decade. Jeter's the only player who could make me think that maybe Don Mattingly was a scrub.
Insane Fan: DerekJeter.org
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6: Gene Simmons, Demon Child
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Contribution to Men-dom: Take an ugly man and add clown paint and spandex. What do you get? A sex machine. If I tried that, I might be arrested, but somehow the KISS bassist has managed to get Shannon Tweed to share his bedroom, while still getting some on the side.
He Wishes: Gene Simmons' Celebrity Bedroom
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5: Scott Baio, L-E-G-E-N-D
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Contribution to Men-dom: Pulled off a rare double-feat by screwing a yet-uncontaminated Pamela Anderson while not ending up in your underground porn collection. Has also been linked to Erika Eleniak, Nicole Eggert,
Natalie Raitano, Nicolette Sheridan, Brooke Shields and Heather Locklear. He's Charlie Sheen without the toxin dependency.
Latest Chachi Developments: Where is he now?
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4: Alyssa Milano, piece of ass
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Contribution to Men-dom: Yeah, I know she's not a man, but she's that hot, so cut me some slack. Went from Who's the Boss? to Who's Downloading All Those Pictures of Me Topless on My Honeymoon? The sound you hear is people leaving this site for Google right now.
Official Site: Visit my future wife
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3: Wilt Chamberlain, scoring machine
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Contribution to Men-dom: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar may have made more baskets, but the Big Dipper is the NBA's all-time scoring champ, a feat he accomplished by bedding an average of 74 women a day for four decades. I think he's still getting laid, and he's been dead for years.
CNNSI Tribute: Wilt Chamberlain — Center of Attention
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2: Hugh Hefner, playboy
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Contribution to Men-dom: How's this for a business plan? Screw your employees and get women to beg to pose nude for you. Jack Welch, my ass. This is a guy who knows how to run a company — and host some kind or orgy. Plus, he made Kleenex a household name.
Playboy.com: Hef's Ladies
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1: Rudy Giuliani, former NYC mayor
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Contribution to Men-dom: Screw Kid Rock, this is the real American badass. He took down the mafia and common thug, inspired a nation on Sept. 11 with his candor, compassion and leadership, pledges allegiance to the flag and the Yankees, and told a disingenuous Saudi prince to shove a $10 million check up his ass.
Related: TIME's 2001 Person of the Year: Rudolph Giuliani
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RANDOM WEIRDNESS
* What Would the Fonz Do? — In times of crisis, it's reassuring to know that the wisdom of Arthur Fonzarelli is there for us.
* Grillo's Clown Links — Find out where scores of clowns make their homes on the web. Perfect for scaring the kids, or getting yourself aroused, if you're that much of a freak.
* Random Thoughts of March 1990 Issue of Metal Edge — Metal Sludge breaks down the now-hilarious content while breaking just about every copyright law on the planet. You gotta go to see the pics of glam rockers who you may have seen on MTV before it turned all pop.
* The Naked Cowboy — The home page of the (more accurately) mostly naked guitarist who performs in New York's Times Square. The next time I'm in Times Square, which will be never, I'll check him out. (Found on Fark.com)
* FHM's House of Horrors — A collection of blooper videos that are funniest at work, 'cause you're getting paid to watch them. Their pain is your gain.
* Quiz: What's Your Fetish? — I'm calling bullshit on the diagnosis that "Fiction turns me on. I'm a Hentai freak!" Both couldn't be further from the truth.
* The Pud Index — Business 2.0 does a "by the numbers" on the new book by the founder of FuckedCompany.com. Among the highlights: "Total number of profanities (excluding coined terms like "douchemonkey"): 125"
* Photos: Riots on campuses of Maryland, Indiana — Part of the reason I got out of sports media — too many people who take sports way, way out of perspective. As angry as people think New Yorkers are, we remained peaceful after the Rodney King verdict and all of the Yankees' recent World Series victories.
* Maxim.com Redesigns — See the new HTML layout surrounding Caprice's still-perfect body.
THE SPORTSDESK
* Top 10: All-Time Clutch Performers — ESPN.com Page 2 has MJ, Joe Cool and Elway at 1-2-3. I've always said that the 1996-2000 Yanks, who won 14 straight World Series games, deserve a joint entry in debates like this.
* NFL Draft History — Check out every draft since 1982 by round, team, position, school and alphabetical order, including every one of the Jets' crappy picks.
* Miami football playbooks stolen, posted on Internet — Greg Brady would never stand for such a thing.
* 1999 Duke Basketball Roster — While looking through some old mail, I found a link to a non-championship-winning team that featured William Avery, Shane Battier, Elton Brand, Chris Carrawell, Nate James, Trajan Langdon and Corey Maggette. Plus, a host of McDonald's All-Americans. Now how is Syracuse ever supposed to win anything?
LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE
* Could Suicide Bombings Happen Here? — TIME examines the issue.
* Revoke the Prize — An online petition to rescind the 1994 Nobel Peace Prize awarded to Yasser Arafat. After you sign, but a roll of anti-terrorist toilet paper with Arafat's mug on it.
* Al-Qaeda, Taliban Offer Cash for Dead Westerners — You know, they could use the money on building schools and houses or something.
THE NEWSDESK
* Multi-colored money on the way? — To thwart counterfeiters, the U.S. contemplates making you carry a rainbow in your wallet. Even the straight people.
* Tawny Kitaen busted for kicking Chuck Finley's ass — Hell, the Yankees have been doing that for years. See Kitaen's mughot and her and Chuck in the '99 SI swimsuit issue. Vote on whether Tawny Kitaen is annoying.
* Teen sentenced for superimposing ex-girlfriend's head on nude body — You know how I feel about phonies. The Internet, and society, would crumble without trust.
* E.T.-Mad Woman Sees the Film 773 Times — That's more times than anyone saw Waterworld.
THE WEEKLY LADIES
* Gabriella of Motor City Bar — Clay Waters' tribute to the lovely bartender at Motor City, recently named one of New York City's best bars.
* Club Rubber's Glitter and Glam Party — Back to L.A., where girls wear bikinis indoors at night. Searching Orbitz.com now for a flight.
* Nicole Eggert — I don't do much celeb stuff down here, but I'll make an exception for my favorite person on "Charles in Charge," save Buddy.
* Katie's World — Lord almighty, there are a ton of photo sets from a gal looking to make it big on the Net. And if she can make it there ... (Everyone!)
* The Braless Photo Gallery — It's a little nipply in here.
* Kylie Minogue Tournament of Poses — Help determine which of the pop singer's publicity shots make her look most like a slut. And I mean that in a good way.
NEXT WEEK
Next week, it's a celebration of Hugh Hefner's birthday, if he's still alive. I had some other good ideas, but I can't remember what the hell they were.
Send your link suggestions now.
THE ARCHIVE
Missed a week of PaulKatcher.com? Shame on you.
Hit the archive and see what you missed.
Recent issues include Spring Break, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Before that we (un)covered Mardi Gras 2002.
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